My moms text to brother seem like slap on face

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is the golden child- although he never comes around my parents- ever- yet despite 20 years of never coming around he is golden.
We both live out of state.
So my parents are visiting at Xmas and looking to move here by my family… they are starting to need care.
Yet tonite in looking at my moms phone, I’m shocked to see her and my brother ripping on me- and she asks my brother for advice on everything- even asking him to weigh in on things I’ve said - like advice for them on their home etc. asking to weigh in on what I said.
I’m so hurt - but also feel like screw them- honestly if they feel like my brother is the all knowing person, they really should love my him.
Don’t I have the right to feel like it’s probably better they move near him??

Why were you reading her text messages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is the golden child- although he never comes around my parents- ever- yet despite 20 years of never coming around he is golden.
We both live out of state.
So my parents are visiting at Xmas and looking to move here by my family… they are starting to need care.
Yet tonite in looking at my moms phone, I’m shocked to see her and my brother ripping on me- and she asks my brother for advice on everything- even asking him to weigh in on things I’ve said - like advice for them on their home etc. asking to weigh in on what I said.
I’m so hurt - but also feel like screw them- honestly if they feel like my brother is the all knowing person, they really should love my him.
Don’t I have the right to feel like it’s probably better they move near him??

Why were you reading her text messages.

Because OP is smart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?

And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.

Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?

Agree. It is super weird you were reading your mom’s messages. Inappropriate. We all have texts we wouldn’t want open for public viewing. You have boundary issues. What would you do if your mom took your phone and went through your messages? I’m sure you have some dialogue about her to others you wouldn’t want her reading

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

You went through your mother’s phone and read her private messages??? No wonder they don’t like you.

[Anonymous]

How do you know your brother enjoys being a sounding board multiple times per day? Does he enjoy living on your mother's short virtual leash? He may find it quite unenjoyable. Maybe she guilt trips him into this heavy level of enmeshment. The golden child doesn't have it all great since he or she can never escape the narcissistic parent's grip and is always an orbiter. They'll never get away, and that's sad. I write this as a scapegoat who could never do right.

If I were you, I wouldn't want my parents living anywhere near me. It would offer my mom the opportunity to abuse both me and my far-away sibling, only in different ways. I would be a source of fuel for this parent: look what she's done this time. No. I moved 3,000 miles away to get away from that. You decide how far the narcissist treads into your world.

[Anonymous]

^^ The family scapegoat has it hard, but the role comes with a huge upside: you're the strongest one in the family, emotionally. You are the one most emotionally equipped to walk away and assert very strong boundaries -- with work. Your brother will never be able to do that, he is stuck in his role of golden child forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?

This

[Anonymous]

OP the texts that you’ve specifically mentioned just don’t seem that bad to me, not enough to get worked up over. I’m sure all of us would be at least slightly hurt by texts about us if we snooped and read them. It doesn’t mean you don’t love someone. Your mom thinks you downplay her dementia fears about your dad and is looking for support from her son after your response. Big deal. Unless there’s more hurtful exchanges in there it feels to me like you are overreacting. And it’s REALLY inappropriate to snoop like this in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Stop inviting for Christmas.

And for gods sake, do not move them near you. My husband’s ungrateful parents moved near us (into a house we pay for) and it’s a total nightmare. We literally found the house (it’s the nicest place they’ve ever lived) and pay everything and all they do is criticize us. No interest in our kids, just nonstop nasty complaints. And they need to go to assisted living and will not even discuss it. It’s horrible.

[Anonymous]

With him being the POA for everything and the ultimate decision maker in their eyes, start suggesting it would make much more sense for them to move near him. Don’t get caught up in being the primary care giver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With him being the POA for everything and the ultimate decision maker in their eyes, start suggesting it would make much more sense for them to move near him. Don’t get caught up in being the primary care giver.

Exactly. Do NOT become primary caregiver. This also means make certain you are not closer or easier to get to then than your brother, because everything will default to you, c and the excuse will be that you are closer. Don't let her use that

You can be intermittently attentive, supportive, and a good child without being taken advantage of. Stay at a distance, and decide how much and how often you want to be involved without any enmeshment.

[Anonymous]

I had an older brother who I constantly bail out financially.
I found out about an insulting conversation he had about me with our cousin.
An older and declining health Aunt accidentally shared with me when she was mentally confused.
I was not invited to a family reunion they had held.
I immediately communicated to cousin what support I had been providing to brother including significant $$ that apparently he used a small part of to travel to the family reunion. I wanted him to know just how he got there.
Then I shared with brother I would no longer provide any "help" to him and told him not to contact either me or my family going forward.
Suddenly, many members of Aunt's family and my brother made attempts at reconciliation. My brother said and I quote "you need to let go of your anger about this".

I immediately cut off all contact with brother, Aunt, and Aunt's family. Its been 4 years now and sticking up for myself and family has been the best decision I've ever made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the texts that you’ve specifically mentioned just don’t seem that bad to me, not enough to get worked up over. I’m sure all of us would be at least slightly hurt by texts about us if we snooped and read them. It doesn’t mean you don’t love someone. Your mom thinks you downplay her dementia fears about your dad and is looking for support from her son after your response. Big deal. Unless there’s more hurtful exchanges in there it feels to me like you are overreacting. And it’s REALLY inappropriate to snoop like this in the first place.

I’m less concerned with the snooping but other than that, this PP hits the nail on the head. The example you have is truly not that big of a deal. But it is a big deal for you to dismiss your mom. She spends way more time with your dad than a 15-minute visit with a doctor. The medical community can’t do anything about dementia, but if it’s coming, it’s best to be prepared and dismissing your mom’s concerns isn’t helpful.

[Anonymous]

If a grown adult family member that wasn’t my spouse was snooping in my phone and reading my messages, I would feel so violated I’d probably never that to engage with them
Again. You are low OP