Having trouble adjusting to having an 'old mom'
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Anonymous
| This probably sounds absolutely ridiculous given that I'm 45 and my mom is 75, but until a year ago, my mom was completely active and in many ways didn't seem a day over 50 (walked everywhere/ shopped and generally seemed 'young'). It was only 9 years ago that she lost her mom, and only about 11 years since my grandma (who died at 96) was 'old' enough to need significant care. However in the last year, due to osteoperosis and a spinal fracture, followed by extreme pain, followed by extreme anxiety and a lot of medication, that my mom has transformed into a facsimile of my 95 year old grandma. She can barely walk, shakes and often seems 'out of it'. I realize that I should have maybe been prepared for that to happen given mom is in her 70s - but I totally wasn't (and I guess on some level thought 70s in 2023 is not 'so old'). My dad and I are working really hard with a dr/ surgeon/ round the clock nurses, PT/ therapist to try to deal with the issues that have arisen, but I don't see a world where my mom 'comes back' from this fully. Would love to hear from others who have had this happen quickly and maybe sooner than they had anticipated. I keep finding myself randomly throughout the day having out of the blue anxiety attacks and I think just my brain trying to adjust to maybe never having my 'mom' back. |
Anonymous
| I feel for you OP. It sounds like you’re doing all you can to right the ship. While you work toward that goal, maybe try to focus on the parts of your mom that are still there, and things you can still do together. Can you watch an old romcom or weepie together? Go through family photo albums and reminisce? Drive through a scenic area and have a good car chat? Try to make memories and focus on the good moments. Hugs to you. |
Anonymous
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You have my sympathy, OP. My own Mom didn’t seem Really Old until she was in her late 80’s, and began to have multiple serious medical issues after surgery. It was a shock — to me as well as to her. While she often struggled physically, her sense of humor remained intact, and her desire to be a Mom remained intact. We talked a lot (I wish I had thought to do recordings), and I learned a lot about her, so our relationship continued to grow.
It’s hard, OP, sometimes horribly hard. But there will likely be moments that sustain you and opportunities to build memories that you will both treasure. At one point, when she was in her 80’s, my Mom had surgery. My very independent, funny, social, opinionated Mom, could barely sit up and seemed frighteningly unfocused. Fortunately, her surgeon referred her to NRH — to their cardiac rehabilitation program, and she was able to almost completely regain her quality of life. They —and she — truly performed miracles, and she maintained these improvements and her independence for about a decade after her NRH stay. I say this because “coming back” can happen. It sounds like your Mom is in a lot of pain, and on a lot of medication— both factors that can hugely impact well-being. In your shoes, I would see if NRH has an appropriate inpatient program (not the outpatient rehab) that can address pain management and quality of life issues with intensive therapy. If not, I would see if they can provide assessments and recommendations. I apologize if this is less then helpful, given your mother’s concerns. I do want you to know that you are very much not alone in dealing with all of the emotional and logistical complexities that you’re facing now. Wishing you the best OP! |
Anonymous
Op - thank you so much both! PP, she is not in the US, but I will look into their version of it where she is. Part of the issue is she needs surgery again so is kind of just in a holding pattern until she can do it and slowly going insane 
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Anonymous
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My brother and I went through (still are) with our mom, OP- I get it.
Mom is 77 and was pretty active -walking normally, going places with me and my kids, events, ect-until 75, when she broke her hip caring for our Dad (he has parkinsons and fell over on her, knocking her down). She hasn't recovered fully her mobility (for various reasons, some mental) so it is what it is. I can't 'make' her do more therapy for it so here we are. In fact, just this morning I was planning my day, going to go to some stores for last minute gifts and thought, oh I should see if Mom wants to come? Then I remembered-it would probably be too much walking, what if she stumbles, what if someone bumps into her...I'm going alone. I'm grateful to have my parents here with me still, but it's defenitely a weird road to navigate. |
Anonymous
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Really relate as my mom who is 79 just had a spinal fracture and while I’m hoping for a recovery I don’t know if that’s likely. She sounds a lot like your mom. Previously she had some mobility issues from back problems but was super social and totally independent. The parent really becomes the child in these situations and it does feel like you don’t have a parent anymore. It’s very painful to watch this kind of decline in someone you love.
This just happened to my mom recently so I’m still hoping she recovers but I don’t know how likely that is - based on your story maybe not likely. |
Anonymous
| You and your Dad can build a strong bond, which will include you learning about your Mom from his perspective and memories. He needs you. Although life will be different without her present or as present, there can be happy future memories to build with your Dad. |
Anonymous
| Ugh i feel for you OP. It can definitely be tough when this stuff happens quickly. It may be helpful to process this with a therapist. |
Anonymous
op - this is pretty much exactly what happened to my mom. It has rendered her totally immobile and in excruciating pain, made worse by mental health issues. they are now saying she needs fusion, but fusion i think needs some resilience to get to the other side of and i'm concerned aobut that piece. i'm sorry to hear about your mom - is she able to walk around at all? It's so hard. |
Anonymous
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My mom is 80 with Parkinson's and VERY limited mobility, and I am really struggling with this, too.
I'm 50 - I feel like we went from my mom being my mom, to my mom being so frail, basically overnight. Anyway - my heart's with you and your mom. This aging thing is no joke. |
Anonymous
Op - that’s what I wasn’t prepared for. The sheer rapidity of the decline. It’s so hard - I’m sorry for you also. I really thought I had more time. Plus just so rough for her. |
Anonymous
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You're experiencing grief for the person she used to be, OP. My 73 year old father was a super functional and confident person until the pandemic lockdowns, and emerged from them anxious and forgetful, and we think, in the very early stages of dementia. It's a shock seeing him unsure of himself, bedeviled by OCD and germophobia, and refusing to budge from the rigid routines he created these past few years. |
Anonymous
She can physically get around her condo but she’s in tremendous pain doing so. She’s widowed and we’ve had to hire an aide to help with meals, getting dressed, etc….for when I can’t be there. She knows she had prior compression fractures (they were seen on old imaging) but she was never aware she had those, this one is the bad one but there’s so much wrong with her back I don’t know if something surgical is an option. This just got bad about 10 days ago so still trying to be optimistic but I don’t know… A fusion is tough although your mom is young enough that she might come through okay. |
Anonymous
pp how old are your kids and how are you dealing with her needing you so much? I have a super full on career and 8 and 10 year olds - AND am in a different country. no idea what to do about all that. |
Anonymous
It just so happens I am on vacation for 2 weeks so instead of going away I’m with my mom 24-7 and I’m local (she’s like 40 min away). My kids are teenagers so it’s okay temporarily but after Jan 1 she is going to need to be much more reliant on hired help. I can come over several times a week but I can’t sleep there regularly or be there everyday. |