Having trouble adjusting to having an 'old mom'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really relate as my mom who is 79 just had a spinal fracture and while I’m hoping for a recovery I don’t know if that’s likely. She sounds a lot like your mom. Previously she had some mobility issues from back problems but was super social and totally independent. The parent really becomes the child in these situations and it does feel like you don’t have a parent anymore. It’s very painful to watch this kind of decline in someone you love.

This just happened to my mom recently so I’m still hoping she recovers but I don’t know how likely that is - based on your story maybe not likely.

op - this is pretty much exactly what happened to my mom. It has rendered her totally immobile and in excruciating pain, made worse by mental health issues. they are now saying she needs fusion, but fusion i think needs some resilience to get to the other side of and i'm concerned aobut that piece.
i'm sorry to hear about your mom - is she able to walk around at all? It's so hard.

She can physically get around her condo but she’s in tremendous pain doing so. She’s widowed and we’ve had to hire an aide to help with meals, getting dressed, etc….for when I can’t be there. She knows she had prior compression fractures (they were seen on old imaging) but she was never aware she had those, this one is the bad one but there’s so much wrong with her back I don’t know if something surgical is an option. This just got bad about 10 days ago so still trying to be optimistic but I don’t know…

A fusion is tough although your mom is young enough that she might come through okay.

pp how old are your kids and how are you dealing with her needing you so much?
I have a super full on career and 8 and 10 year olds - AND am in a different country. no idea what to do about all that.

It just so happens I am on vacation for 2 weeks so instead of going away I’m with my mom 24-7 and I’m local (she’s like 40 min away). My kids are teenagers so it’s okay temporarily but after Jan 1 she is going to need to be much more reliant on hired help. I can come over several times a week but I can’t sleep there regularly or be there everyday.

Can you have someone live in with her? How about moving her closer? I’ve been begging my parents to move closer to us for a while but they don’t want to - which is understandable - but means my mom may end up completely incapacitated in a foreign country which is obv not ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're experiencing grief for the person she used to be, OP.

My 73 year old father was a super functional and confident person until the pandemic lockdowns, and emerged from them anxious and forgetful, and we think, in the very early stages of dementia. It's a shock seeing him unsure of himself, bedeviled by OCD and germophobia, and refusing to budge from the rigid routines he created these past few years.

This happened to my mom as well. It’s so heartbreaking. She’s not the same person at all anymore, dementia that started during pandemic lockdowns, now she’s very frail. It breaks my heart. She’s only 75, and I always expected that I would get to enjoy her company for at least another 10 years - especially when I would have time to spend without little kids, just her and me. It’s hard and makes me very sad.

[Anonymous]

Op - it’s nice - albeit sad - to know I’m not alone.
The stress of all this - plus my full time, very intense job (am the breadwinner) and the 2 kids plus being in a foreign country - has now sparked some super unwelcome panic attacks. I am just completely overwhelmed looking over the precipice of having so much responsibility, some of which is overseas - and while I keep resolving to just man up and deal - my wimpy subconscious is freaking out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're experiencing grief for the person she used to be, OP.

This. And the person YOU used to be. It's called life.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

This is why women need to maintain strong bones by lifting heavy when they were younger.

[Anonymous]

Me too, OP - my parents are early 70s and grandma is still alive, but they have taken a sharp downward turn in the last year. Mom has Parkinsons and my Dad has a leg issue. They've rapidly lost weight and muscle. It's hard.

I just spent 2 weeks with them at Christmas and I felt it really helped our relationship and my view of them. When we're apart I don't see all the things they can still do, I only hear about / worry about the problems. When we're together, I see how they've aged but I also see them getting around ok, making jokes, washing dishes ... it helps.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP with a mom with similar problem as OP. OP, out of curiosity what surgeries or interventions has your mom had or are being recommended?

I think you said your mom lives abroad so that might impact what medical options are under consideration of course.

[Anonymous]

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP with a mom with similar problem as OP. OP, out of curiosity what surgeries or interventions has your mom had or are being recommended?

I think you said your mom lives abroad so that might impact what medical options are under consideration of course.

Op - they are recommending fusion after a couple mos of bone strengthening medications (things like zoledronic acid etc). She is very depressed about living with the pain in a wheelchair for another 2 mos

[Anonymous]

Just some hugs and commiseration, OP. My dad was recently diagnosed with dementia at 75. We thought we would have another 5-10 years based on his parents and their siblings. I'm 42 and it feels too soon to be looking into assisted living for him. My parents were in their 60s when their parents passed away.

But along the same vein, seeing him as "old" let me reframe a lot of his behaviors that were frustrating me. I kind of treat him like a toddler and have lowered my expectations similarly. That may sound condescending, but that's life. He's back to being a child. I have to gently take his arm and pull him away from things and distract him during the transition. But reframing it helped me be more patient.

[Anonymous]

op of this thread - am reupping bc i had some troubling health news today and really felt the fact that I can't talk to my mom about it any more. Up until like 5 mos ago I would have been able to no problem. Yesterday I called her and sort of hinted at my issue and she just sounded totally nonplussed and out of it.
no questions - just... it's sad for her and sad for me too. blarg. I just wasn't ready.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t your mom learn to do some strength training exercises? Set her up with a PT and that will help her osteoporosis.

[Anonymous]

OP, Osteoporosis is genetic. Make sure you get a bone scan yourself and start lifting weights yourself depending on your scores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Osteoporosis is genetic. Make sure you get a bone scan yourself and start lifting weights yourself depending on your scores.

yes i have an appt for this week with spinal/ ortho and will ask for dexa scan.
fun times.