Hardest working kid on the team with the least talent

[Anonymous]

It’s becoming clear that my DD is the hardest working member of her team but that she has the least amount of talent. Over the years, some coaches have loved and valued the hard-working side of her. Now sports are competitive enough that the talented kids are the stars in competition and in the eyes of the coaches. It’s hard to watch. She loves her sport and is capable enough to stay on the team and in her league, but just barely. She also happens to have some teammates who are the very best not just on the team or in the league, but will probably grow up to be the best in the state and highly ranked in the country.

Any advice or encouragement I can give her? Everything I think of sounds so trite and invalidates what she’s actually experiencing.

I remember when she was a baby and hoping that she would be born with a talent or two to smooth her way in life. My heart hurts for her when she says that she wishes she’d been given the talent of [specific teammate’s name] or [other teammate]. We are Catholic but I can’t think of the answer when she asks why god gave her teammates natural gifts but didn’t give it to her.

[Anonymous]

This is my DD also. We disengaged from sports as parents, but she stuck with it and absolutely loved it. She knew she wasn’t as good as other girls, but was well/liked anyway and made great friends.
The key was playing down a level. So Frosh/Soph team in 9th and 10th. JV in 11th where she may not get a ton of play action, but that’s ok. She has to change her mindset.

[Anonymous]

Have her watch Rudy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my DD also. We disengaged from sports as parents, but she stuck with it and absolutely loved it. She knew she wasn’t as good as other girls, but was well/liked anyway and made great friends.
The key was playing down a level. So Frosh/Soph team in 9th and 10th. JV in 11th where she may not get a ton of play action, but that’s ok. She has to change her mindset.

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. Mine is young enough that down a level is instructional/rec. After reading your comment, my hope for her is that if this remains something that mostly brings her joy, she’ll hang on for long enough to get to HS and make any level of team. Or get to HS and be able to access a new sport that might be as compelling as this one.

It sounds like your DD’s gift is being positive, being a good teammate and friend, and finding joy in the sport itself rather than success. I hope my DD will one day see that she doesn’t have to have a talent to be special and worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my DD also. We disengaged from sports as parents, but she stuck with it and absolutely loved it. She knew she wasn’t as good as other girls, but was well/liked anyway and made great friends.
The key was playing down a level. So Frosh/Soph team in 9th and 10th. JV in 11th where she may not get a ton of play action, but that’s ok. She has to change her mindset.

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. Mine is young enough that down a level is instructional/rec. After reading your comment, my hope for her is that if this remains something that mostly brings her joy, she’ll hang on for long enough to get to HS and make any level of team. Or get to HS and be able to access a new sport that might be as compelling as this one.

It sounds like your DD’s gift is being positive, being a good teammate and friend, and finding joy in the sport itself rather than success. I hope my DD will one day see that she doesn’t have to have a talent to be special and worthy.

Isn’t this a talent? Not everyone can do this. How about telling DD to appreciate her own talents? Teams work best when people with bf attitude are on it, and so she’s been key to her team’s success all along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my DD also. We disengaged from sports as parents, but she stuck with it and absolutely loved it. She knew she wasn’t as good as other girls, but was well/liked anyway and made great friends.
The key was playing down a level. So Frosh/Soph team in 9th and 10th. JV in 11th where she may not get a ton of play action, but that’s ok. She has to change her mindset.

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. Mine is young enough that down a level is instructional/rec. After reading your comment, my hope for her is that if this remains something that mostly brings her joy, she’ll hang on for long enough to get to HS and make any level of team. Or get to HS and be able to access a new sport that might be as compelling as this one.

It sounds like your DD’s gift is being positive, being a good teammate and friend, and finding joy in the sport itself rather than success. I hope my DD will one day see that she doesn’t have to have a talent to be special and worthy.

Isn’t this a talent? Not everyone can do this. How about telling DD to appreciate her own talents? Teams work best when people with bf attitude are on it, and so she’s been key to her team’s success all along

Bf=her

[Anonymous]

Well my dd had talent in her sport but didn't work hard. She eventually quit because she never loved the sport. I would have preferred that she be the hard working kid with grit, I think those qualities benefit a person in the future, moreso than raw talent. Sounds like your kid will do well in the future. Think of this as practice for things outside the sport. Grit, resilience, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her watch Rudy.

Rudy was talented- just short.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. Sometimes I think it’s more painful for the parent than the child in these situations. There is nothing wrong with being on the high school team or playing in a rec league for the pure love of a sport. Many student athetles will not play their sport past high school anyway and even fewer will play past college. I’ve had more than one parent of twenty-somethings tell me that they wished that they hadn’t spent so much time running around for x travel sport. It wasn’t a great return on investment in terms of time. Good luck to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like my son also - but FWIW his grit serves him well in other areas. I worry less about him than my one who is more sports talented but gets frustrated and wants to give up the moment anything gets difficult - since he is so used to things coming easy - he can't handle it when it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Can you reframe both your mindsets that the point of youth sports isn’t to be the best but to use your body and have fun?

My response to her comments would be “well yes, we’re all born with different talents and it must be fun for Janey to be so naturally talented at puckleball - but it’s really unlikely any of you are going to end up playing professionally. It’s pretty impressive that you’ve worked so hard and keep up with her! I’m so glad you’ve found a sport you enjoy”

And then keep the sports talk about having fun, being part of a team, getting better - not how amazingly talented some kids are or advancing to the next level, getting more playing time, etc. It won’t totally get rid of the sting but might help her make peace with her talents and continue to have fun and keep playing.

I say this as a naturally very competitive person who dropped out of sports as a kid because I wasn’t good and really regret it, as I realized later when I joined friends in rec leagues in college and grad school that I loved playing. I missed out on great experiences because I let a desire to be one of the talented ones blind me to the other elements of playing I enjoy. I wish someone had been helping reframe that voice in my head! Once I was older and realized it was okay not to be the best (or even to be one of the worst!) I had so much fun and could appreciate what I was getting out of it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her watch Rudy.

As long she never hears what actually happened. Joe Montana says that almost all of it including the players turning in their jerseys and the crowd chanting is made up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well my dd had talent in her sport but didn't work hard. She eventually quit because she never loved the sport. I would have preferred that she be the hard working kid with grit, I think those qualities benefit a person in the future, moreso than raw talent. Sounds like your kid will do well in the future. Think of this as practice for things outside the sport. Grit, resilience, etc.

Totally agree. My DC had the talent so as a result didn’t work hard often enough It was frustrating for coaches. As a young adult he exhibits the same tendencies, always just a little short of his potential. Definitely commend your DDs grit and hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my DD also. We disengaged from sports as parents, but she stuck with it and absolutely loved it. She knew she wasn’t as good as other girls, but was well/liked anyway and made great friends.
The key was playing down a level. So Frosh/Soph team in 9th and 10th. JV in 11th where she may not get a ton of play action, but that’s ok. She has to change her mindset.

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. Mine is young enough that down a level is instructional/rec.[b] After reading your comment, my hope for her is that if this remains something that mostly brings her joy, she’ll hang on for long enough to get to HS and make any level of team. Or get to HS and be able to access a new sport that might be as compelling as this one.

It sounds like your DD’s gift is being positive, being a good teammate and friend, and finding joy in the sport itself rather than success. I hope my DD will one day see that she doesn’t have to have a talent to be special and worthy.

OP, it sounds like she is in a travel league or something similar. Maybe it’s time to go back to rec league if she is lamenting her level of skill. My DD played travel, realized she wasn’t as good as most of her teammates, went back to rec and got a real shot of confidence from it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you are the problem. We have four kids, and it never once occurred to me while we were pregnant with any of them that we hoped that they had some kind of talent to get them through life. All we cared about was that they were healthy and happy and halfway intelligent. it seems like you are projecting your own insecurities on your kid, and maybe that’s part of the reason why they are working that hard in the sport. They want to please you as much as themselves. Look inward. I feel sorry for your kid.