Grandparents and the “perfect” Christmas presents?

[Anonymous]

I deal with this every single year with both my parents and ILs, and I’m done. Every year they want to have an idea of a gift DC “really want”, my parents always cap it at $50, I think because they are searching for that “wow factor” from our kids.

Inevitably every year ILs end up not buying the thing (I now make something up because I know they won’t follow through), and my parents will complain about the gift. This year DD really wants a hoodie. It’s in stock at the mall, online, and I told them I could ship it to them if that was easier. My mom told me she was shopping this weekend. Just now my mom called and said she thinks it’s too expensive (on sale for under $40 at Hollister) for an article of clothing. She wants another idea. I give one. That one doesn’t seem exciting enough. I explain these are things she WANTS, and they excite HER. I decided to drop the rope with her too and just gave another generic idea. My mom is still unhappy.

Why ask? What are they expecting? Why does she do this? Help me understand!

[Anonymous]

My parents don't do that because I would have choice words to say. Use your words, OP.

The grandparents want a SHINY TOY they can give to a child who will open their eyes wide and love instantly. Once kids are old enough to be interested in clothes, that era is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I deal with this every single year with both my parents and ILs, and I’m done. Every year they want to have an idea of a gift DC “really want”, my parents always cap it at $50, I think because they are searching for that “wow factor” from our kids.

Inevitably every year ILs end up not buying the thing (I now make something up because I know they won’t follow through), and my parents will complain about the gift. This year DD really wants a hoodie. It’s in stock at the mall, online, and I told them I could ship it to them if that was easier. My mom told me she was shopping this weekend. Just now my mom called and said she thinks it’s too expensive (on sale for under $40 at Hollister) for an article of clothing. She wants another idea. I give one. That one doesn’t seem exciting enough. I explain these are things she WANTS, and they excite HER. I decided to drop the rope with her too and just gave another generic idea. My mom is still unhappy.

Why ask? What are they expecting? Why does she do this? Help me understand!

I don’t know Op, but my mom is the same way except she also demands gift ideas for myself and DH. She’s on a fixed income so her max budget is ~25/person, but she is also picky about wanting to give something that she deems gift worthy and meaningful to each person so will reject ideas that I come up within her price range and then nag me for alternative options. (Oh, and she’s also fixated on taking advantage of the best sales/worried about things being out of stock or back ordered do this process of soliciting ideas starts in late October and lasts for weeks if not months).

We’ve regularly encouraged her to just buy gifts for the kids or one joint thing for the family but that hasn’t gone over well and so the saga continues.

[Anonymous]

Don't provide an alternative option. DD wants the hoodie and that's what you should get her. There are no other alternatives MIL/Grandma.

[Anonymous]

I would just say you asked what she wants - and that's what she wants. If you don't like that idea - follow up with her directly.

[Anonymous]

Could be worse. Every Christmas and Bday for my tween and teen girls:

My mom: What size do the girls where these days?
Me: Oh, don't buy them clothes. They are super picky and like to pick out their own stuff. I don't even try to buy clothes for them anymore.
My mom: Well, they always love what I buy them. What sizes?

So I tell her. And she buys them clothes they wouldn't even where to sit around the house. But they say thank you and when she asks if they like them they say yes because that is what polite gift recipients do. And then we donate them. Every single birthday and Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents don't do that because I would have choice words to say. Use your words, OP.

The grandparents want a SHINY TOY they can give to a child who will open their eyes wide and love instantly. Once kids are old enough to be interested in clothes, that era is over.

It’s this. My daughter has a huge list and my mom keeps wanting ideas. No won’t send them because she won’t like anything and complain that girls these days should not want makeup and skincare and hyper focus on that. We’ve sent links to clothes before and then she’s gone and bought other stuff instead. I’m done giving suggestions. Text or call the kids directly.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it either. My mom will balk at spending $20 on the skincare DD desperately wants, but then will gladly spend $20 on junk she won’t touch.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this! My DD is 8 and my mom basically wants to be assigned the #1 thing on her list so she can top Santa. Except that my DD has never been really into "big gifts". The few years there have been big gifts she does ask for they've been $150 and my mom can't believe they actually cost that much, so she tells me to buy the thing on her behalf and wrap it. And then sends me a check for $50 which should "more than cover it plus you can get her something extra."

Anyway, my mom is pretty disengaged from our family and doesn't really care about the grandchildren. Her goal is to be admired for giving the perfect gift and give enough so she can pout if we don't reciprocate and give her the same volume of presents. I'm still trying to figure out the equivalent of a Barbie Dreamhouse for a 80 year old woman because that would solve all of my problems.

DD is so exhausted by my mom's insistence that she revise her list until it pleases her that she finally stuck two random toys on there and called it a day. Then she called my brother and confessed what she really wanted- a specific kind of name-brand leggings that the big girls wear at her sport. Her uncle knows that leggings would not be considered an acceptable Christmas gift by our mom so he happily bought them.

[Anonymous]

I stopped giving them ideas outside of general "he likes dinosaurs" or "she loves soccer" because it annoyed me to come up with gifts for other people to get credit for. And yes, half the time they didn't like my suggestions. So I just stopped. When they press I tell them they don't have to get anything! But I am not letting my MIL make her Christmas gift giving MY problem. We are lucky to be able to buy our kids gifts, so we do. I don't need to outsource the "good" gifts to the grandparents and I'd rather not do the emotional labor of dealing with them. So I don't.

[Anonymous]

Don’t give her anything on the list that your kids actually want. Just buy that yourself so you don’t have disappointment.
You don’t have to participate in the harassment. Just give the same answer each time - any gift is fine/ whatever you like.

[Anonymous]

YES! My parents want a list, so I make a wishlist on Amazon and make it public. But then they won't buy off the wishlist. And then they're upset when someone else gets the thing I put on the wishlist and our kids are so excited about it and can't stop talking about it. How much easier do I have to make it for you? My mom really just likes when I text her a link versus a wishlist with links.

I do try to buy the huge gifts from Santa (dh and I) and leave the also fun small gifts for people who want to get my kids stuff. My semi estranged sibling and I are having Christmas together and I made sure to give them the super fun thing that my kids want that's only like $15. I figure it's like an olive branch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped giving them ideas outside of general "he likes dinosaurs" or "she loves soccer" because it annoyed me to come up with gifts for other people to get credit for. And yes, half the time they didn't like my suggestions. So I just stopped. When they press I tell them they don't have to get anything! But I am not letting my MIL make her Christmas gift giving MY problem. We are lucky to be able to buy our kids gifts, so we do. I don't need to outsource the "good" gifts to the grandparents and I'd rather not do the emotional labor of dealing with them. So I don't.

I'm a PP and I tried to stop giving gift ideas one year. That did not go well. The relentless barrage of texts- literally every few hours "gift ideas? I need lists or I will keep texting!" and aggressive comments during calls got to be too much. So now I feed her token and random ideas. I hate it the waste and effort on my part and the lack of effort on my mom's part. Either look up "great gifts for a X year old" or buy something random. The effort spent nagging me and making my kids feel bad for not having "good" ideas was so much greater than the effort to buy one thing online.

My grandma on my mom's side had to shop for twice as many grandchildren as my mom on a much smaller budget. She would watch TV programs like the Today show or those 7 pm evening shows for gift ideas, and we would all get the same gift, which would be whatever hot thing the TV hosts were recommending. For us younger kids, we also got copies of anything she knew she could make, like American Girl doll clothes and furniture. She would have loved instagram gift round-ups!

[Anonymous]

I deal with this too, OP.

Every year the grandparents ask for my kids' Christmas gifts because they want to pick the item off that list to ensure they are giving the kids something they "really want."

And then consistently, they do not buy that item, or buy something similar but not the same in a way that will actually make my kids sad. Like if my DD asks for an Elsa costume, my mom will buy her a knock off "ice princess" costume that doesn't look right and my kid will be very polite about it but not wear it, and later tell me she was sad because she wanted an Elsa costume like her friends have. And the thing is, the difference in price between these items will be like $15, and my parents are actually pretty well off, and also DH and I could easily have just bough the thing she actually asked for if my mom hadn't "claimed" that item. It's very frustrating.

So now instead of just handing over the lists, DH and I look at the lists and figure out what we are going to buy and will then "assign" a few items to grandparents to choose from. We specifically assign things that they basically can't screw up. And then we ask them to tell us what they are buying from the mini-list we give them ("so we don't duplicate!") and if there's anything they don't buy but we think our kid really wants, we buy that too.

Our kids make incredibly short and reasonable gifts. Like this year my DS wants Legos, a sleeping bag (which he actually needs anyway), some art supplies, and more books from the "Bad Guys" series. We bought everything except legos, sent a list of lego sets we know he'd like to grandparents and said "buy whatever." If they totally eff up the legos somehow, we'll buy a set before Christmas to ensure he gets at least one lego set he likes.

Managing grandparent gifts is the only part of Christmas gift buying I find annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this! My DD is 8 and my mom basically wants to be assigned the #1 thing on her list so she can top Santa. Except that my DD has never been really into "big gifts". The few years there have been big gifts she does ask for they've been $150 and my mom can't believe they actually cost that much, so she tells me to buy the thing on her behalf and wrap it. And then sends me a check for $50 which should "more than cover it plus you can get her something extra."

Anyway, my mom is pretty disengaged from our family and doesn't really care about the grandchildren. Her goal is to be admired for giving the perfect gift and give enough so she can pout if we don't reciprocate and give her the same volume of presents. I'm still trying to figure out the equivalent of a Barbie Dreamhouse for a 80 year old woman because that would solve all of my problems.

DD is so exhausted by my mom's insistence that she revise her list until it pleases her that she finally stuck two random toys on there and called it a day. Then she called my brother and confessed what she really wanted- a specific kind of name-brand leggings that the big girls wear at her sport. Her uncle knows that leggings would not be considered an acceptable Christmas gift by our mom so he happily bought them.

Oh we have this issue too. My mom wants to give DD a "big" gift, but some years her list is like "I want some stickers, the new Princess in Black book, clothes for my doll, and an apron." And my mom hound me trying to figure to the "big" item that she can get her that will make her happier than any of that stuff. And it doesn't matter how much I try to explain to my mom that my kid is a child, not super materialistic, and would actually be over the moon thrilled by a big sticker book. I've also tried to explain that she's welcome to get a "big" gift that's age appropriate if she wants, like a doll house or something, but will also tell her that DD may or may not love that gift and if she goes off the list, she needs to accept that DD might not absolutely love it (she will say think you and be very polite because she has good manners, but I can't guarantee she'll play with it or lose her mind with excitement -- she might, she might not, she's her own person).

My mom has also openly stated that she is trying to buy the love of her grandchildren with gifts and she has a tendency to go way overboard with them. My kid is getting older and is starting to catch onto this and I think has a good attitude about it. Like her last birthday, my mom gave her an American Girl doll, which DD genuinely really loves and was a very nice gift. But she also gave DD a TON of other stuff, like too much and including a lot of like crappy little toys that fell apart or that DD didn't care for. And DD sort of observed that and now when she sees my mom, she says "Grammy, I love this doll you gave me so much. I play with her every day. If you had ONLY given me this doll and nothing else, I still would have been SO HAPPY." It might be dawning on my mom that she needs to chill out a bit on the gift giving and just give one nice gift. Who knows, maybe she'll just buy some clothes for the American Girl doll for Christmas (which I know is what DD really wants from her) and chill the heck out about the rest. Maybe DD will be able to get through to her in a way I have never been able to.