Adult children do not like Dad's GF, How to go on a family vacation with out her?

[Anonymous]

My widow dad who is in his 70's and healthy has been with his current GF for about 5 years. They live together. I have a good relationship with my dad but his GF is one of the more annoying humans I have met. She complains about everything, is a nag, makes off hand comments and is generally not a happy person. My dad and her also fight all of the time! My sister feels the same way I do. Our spouses and children also find the woman intolerable to be around. We are always polite and respectful to her but try to limit our time together.
The issue we are facing is we want to go on a family vacation and invite our dad but not the GF as it will really change the dynamic of the trip. I know the GF will want to go on the trip as it is to a desirable location. Has anyone dealt with this? Is it possible to invite my dad only? I am afraid if I open this can of worms it will alter the relationship I have with my dad.

[Anonymous]

There is no good way to exclude her without negative fallout

[Anonymous]

The kids go without dad.

[Anonymous]

You can’t do this. Invite both or none.

[Anonymous]

I think only you know your relationship with your dad well enough to know how he’d react. If you want to go there, you need to get him by himself sometime and ask “hey dad, would you ever consider going on a family vacation without Lola?” He’ll probably follow up and ask more, at which point you can say something like “We love you, and absolutely love that you’ve found someone who makes you happy, but for whatever reason it can be hard for Jane and I to spend an extended time time with you and Lola together The complaining and fighting creates a vibe that’s hard for me and Joe and the kids to relax around, and Jane too. I’ve been thinking it might be fun to do some kind of trip with you and Jane and our families but I’m hesitant to plan something that might have hard dynamics for all of us” Listen to what he has to say and then either go forward with inviting only him or inviting neither of them.

If you do do this, I’d try to figure out ways to say nice things about what you DO like about GF as part of the conversation, and probably would keep it vague and not talk about a specific trip until you feel him out. And try to make it more about you than the GF being awful (ie you could mention it makes you feel your moms absence too much to have GF in her place).

I think I could have managed a conversation like that with my widowed dad without too much longterm manage. If he does say no you have to respect that though.

[Anonymous]

Longterm damage! Not marriage.

[Anonymous]

No, you can’t not invite a five year girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. Don’t invite either of them.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for the comments.I was feeling this was a no-go conversation but I have been getting a lot of pressure from my spouse and kids about not wanting her to go and how it will ruin the trip. Guess I will have to decide now if I invite them or not.

[Anonymous]

Just don't invite her, she will get mad but who cares she is negative anyway.

If she asks why she is not included just say because you are always making negative comments and you and dad fight and we just want peace and quiet.

The reality is it does not matter, it won't change the dynamic because it's already bad.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this very helpful comment! I am going to spend some time thinking on this one and see if I can have this conversation with him!

Anonymous wrote:I think only you know your relationship with your dad well enough to know how he’d react. If you want to go there, you need to get him by himself sometime and ask “hey dad, would you ever consider going on a family vacation without Lola?”

[Anonymous]

The only way this would work is if there were symmetry: i.e. his gf had her own kids and they wanted an alone trip with her. If she doesn’t have her own group of loving family members (or close girlfriends who take girls’ trips together), she’s 100% reliant on your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don't invite her, she will get mad but who cares she is negative anyway.

If she asks why she is not included just say because you are always making negative comments and you and dad fight and we just want peace and quiet.

The reality is it does not matter, it won't change the dynamic because it's already bad.

Don’t do this as it will put her dad in an awful situation in more ways than one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t do this. Invite both or none.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, you can certainly bring this up with your dad but consider this...

Maybe he can't stand YOUR spouse and your sister's spouse. What if his response is:

"Well, yes, I'd consider going on a trip with you and the kids. But leave your husbands at home because I can't stand either of them."

It's amazing to me that adult children don't want to include a parent's spouse, but certainly want their own spouse accepted by their parents.

FWIW, this is also another classic case of how any woman who dares to have a relationship with a man divorced/widowed will NEVER be accepted by his children.

Women be warned! Stay with the father of your children forever because if you ever do split and think you will find another man some day, you too will probably be joining the ranks of the hated "stepmother" stereotype.