Adult children do not like Dad's GF, How to go on a family vacation with out her?

[Anonymous]

We rent 2 houses and put the annoying people in 1 house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No you cannot do that, it’s mean. It puts you father in an ugly and awkward position.
I am sure she is annoying but that does not make it ok.
plus, at one point have you had a conversation with your dad about how their bickering is no fun to be around?
Your father is equally responsible for that unhealthy dynamic. It’s not all the girlfriend’s fault. Try talking to him gently and respectfully about that. But you definitely cannot ask him not to bring her unless you are ok with your in-laws deliberately leaving you out.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

You cannot get away with that. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My widow dad who is in his 70's and healthy has been with his current GF for about 5 years. They live together. I have a good relationship with my dad but his GF is one of the more annoying humans I have met. She complains about everything, is a nag, makes off hand comments and is generally not a happy person. My dad and her also fight all of the time! My sister feels the same way I do. Our spouses and children also find the woman intolerable to be around. We are always polite and respectful to her but try to limit our time together.
The issue we are facing is we want to go on a family vacation and invite our dad but not the GF as it will really change the dynamic of the trip. I know the GF will want to go on the trip as it is to a desirable location. Has anyone dealt with this? Is it possible to invite my dad only? I am afraid if I open this can of worms it will alter the relationship I have with my dad.

What is she actually complaining about or “nagging about”?

Is it the same things you recall your mother doing?

Maybe your dad is a codependent slob with terrible life habits and very difficult to live with.

Doubt she will stick around for much longer unless there’s something more he brings to a relationship.

As for vacation, you have to take them both. But stop pretending she’s a problem; she’s basically your father’s mother and caretaker whether she wants to be or not. And once she doesn’t want to be, they’ll break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think only you know your relationship with your dad well enough to know how he’d react. If you want to go there, you need to get him by himself sometime and ask “hey dad, would you ever consider going on a family vacation without Lola?” He’ll probably follow up and ask more, at which point you can say something like “We love you, and absolutely love that you’ve found someone who makes you happy, but for whatever reason it can be hard for Jane and I to spend an extended time time with you and Lola together The complaining and fighting creates a vibe that’s hard for me and Joe and the kids to relax around, and Jane too. I’ve been thinking it might be fun to do some kind of trip with you and Jane and our families but I’m hesitant to plan something that might have hard dynamics for all of us” Listen to what he has to say and then either go forward with inviting only him or inviting neither of them.

If you do do this, I’d try to figure out ways to say nice things about what you DO like about GF as part of the conversation, and probably would keep it vague and not talk about a specific trip until you feel him out. And try to make it more about you than the GF being awful (ie you could mention it makes you feel your moms absence too much to have GF in her place).

I think I could have managed a conversation like that with my widowed dad without too much longterm manage. If he does say no you have to respect that though.

What planet are you from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone for the comments.I was feeling this was a no-go conversation but I have been getting a lot of pressure from my spouse and kids about not wanting her to go and how it will ruin the trip. Guess I will have to decide now if I invite them or not.

Your kids are pressuring you to not invite GF? GTFO. You are complaining about her too much in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just be grateful that this woman, however annoying, is/will be doing the heavy lifting in caring for your father as he ages. And that he has companionship in his later years, which should hopefully help him live longer.

That being said, as others have mentioned, if you can't invite both, don't invite either.

You have no idea if it will actually play out that way. Maybe she'll die first, or dump him when he's not fun anymore or his money is gone. Happens all the time.

NP. I've literally never seen it play out the way you suggest it might. I've only ever seen the man become infirm, and the girlfriend, who is also elderly, takes care of him until she literally can't anymore. Meanwhile the man's children are very happy to have Dad be someone else's responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Just go with your siblings and their families. Don’t invite dad or gf. If he asks about it, tell the truth. That you would love to invite him, but no one wants to spend a week with his gf and no one wanted to put him in the position of choosing.

[Anonymous]

"No ring, no bring."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"No ring, no bring."

that could backfire

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go with your siblings and their families. Don’t invite dad or gf. If he asks about it, tell the truth. That you would love to invite him, but no one wants to spend a week with his gf and no one wanted to put him in the position of choosing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Honestly, your dad chose her, so for better or worse, they're an item.

He may not even want to go on a multi family vacation if his GF is not invited simply because he may feel like the odd man out.

You have a choice:

-vacation with your siblings' families without dad

or

-trip with dad and siblings only, no other family members

[Anonymous]

I mean, how would you feel if your husbands family invited your husband and kids to a great vacation but not you? That would be very messed up and I think it’s crazy that you are even considering this option. Inviting someone on vacation does not near you spend every moment with them or sleep in the room with them. Be a good person OP.

[Anonymous]

Ask dad. My mom refuses to do anything without her boyfriend and he’s not nice to us, so we just don’t see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can certainly bring this up with your dad but consider this...

Maybe he can't stand YOUR spouse and your sister's spouse. What if his response is:

"Well, yes, I'd consider going on a trip with you and the kids. But leave your husbands at home because I can't stand either of them."

It's amazing to me that adult children don't want to include a parent's spouse, but certainly want their own spouse accepted by their parents.

FWIW, this is also another classic case of how any woman who dares to have a relationship with a man divorced/widowed will NEVER be accepted by his children.

Women be warned! Stay with the father of your children forever because if you ever do split and think you will find another man some day, you too will probably be joining the ranks of the hated "stepmother" stereotype.

My parents kind of do this - they decline several invites but will jump on a chance to vacation or visit when it's just me and the kids. Everyone is very nice and polite with one another - they are just polar opposites, and this is how things have evolved. It's okay.