Advice needed: sister's bf died

[Anonymous]

My (8yrs older than me) sister's bf (age60) died unexpectedly yesterday. They dated in high school and were reunited a few years ago, after both getting divorced. When they were teens, he was not nice to me. Some of his actions could be considered abusive. I feared him and hated him back then, in fact. I have avoided recent family events because he would be there. My relationship with my sister is polite, but distant. I have not expressed any opinion of her relationship or bf. My question is how do I proceed? I think I should call her, but I don't know what to say. I do not intend to go to his funeral. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

You tell her you are sorry for her loss, which I’m sure you are.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? You support your sister in her loss and don’t talk shit about her dead boyfriend. He’s gone now; just be decent person instead of making it about how he was a dick to you 45 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? You support your sister in her loss and don’t talk shit about her dead boyfriend. He’s gone now; just be decent person instead of making it about how he was a dick to you 45 years ago.

This. It’s about your sister, not him.

[Anonymous]

You express your condolences to her for her loss, and ask her if she needs anything. Nothing says you have to be complimentary towards her BF.

If you don't want to go to his funeral then at least contribute to charity, send flowers, etc.

In other words, show kindness towards your sister during this difficult time for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? You support your sister in her loss and don’t talk shit about her dead boyfriend. He’s gone now; just be decent person instead of making it about how he was a dick to you 45 years ago.

I would never talk shit about him, dead or alive. She witnessed his poor treatment of me back then and stood by, laughing. I was 8, they were 16 and 18. He did things like stuff me between the matress and boxspring and jumped on top. He also held me off the floor by my throat against a wall while she laughed at how I was kicking my legs out. Things like that occured every time he was around. That's part of the reason I have a distant relationship with her. Even though it's been 40 plus years, it wasn't ok.

[Anonymous]

Well, he's dead so I guess you win. Would be nice if you could offer your condolences to your sister even if you don't mean it.

[Anonymous]

You simply say you are sorry for her pain and you are here to support her, and that you love her.

It’s about HER now, not him. He’s dead.

[Anonymous]

Most people are superficial about things like this. Just give her your condolences and ask to let you know if there's anything she needs but don't mean it, like most people do. What a horrible thing to experience with your sister and her BF when you were just a kid. Really awful. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? You support your sister in her loss and don’t talk shit about her dead boyfriend. He’s gone now; just be decent person instead of making it about how he was a dick to you 45 years ago.

I would never talk shit about him, dead or alive. She witnessed his poor treatment of me back then and stood by, laughing. I was 8, they were 16 and 18. He did things like stuff me between the matress and boxspring and jumped on top. He also held me off the floor by my throat against a wall while she laughed at how I was kicking my legs out. Things like that occured every time he was around. That's part of the reason I have a distant relationship with her. Even though it's been 40 plus years, it wasn't ok.

Just be like “I’m sorry Dick died. I won’t be able to come to the funeral but I’m thinking of you”. And then inwardly smile about how he is no longer on this earth.

[Anonymous]

I mean, how close have you really been to this bully of a sister? Do you talk regularly? See each other twice a year? Something else? Assuming you have some level of contact, I would call and just say you are sorry for her loss.

I have a sister who cut us all off for several years and we now have a very superficial texting relationship. If her husband dies, I will definitely call her to express my condolences. TBD on whether I would take the time to fly to attend the funeral, but I would consider it. I haven’t seen her in years. Next time I see her will likely be our dad’s funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, how close have you really been to this bully of a sister? Do you talk regularly? See each other twice a year? Something else? Assuming you have some level of contact, I would call and just say you are sorry for her loss.

I have a sister who cut us all off for several years and we now have a very superficial texting relationship. If her husband dies, I will definitely call her to express my condolences. TBD on whether I would take the time to fly to attend the funeral, but I would consider it. I haven’t seen her in years. Next time I see her will likely be our dad’s funeral.

We live in the same town. We saw each other regularly for family events until covid put a stop to that. They reconnected at that time. Gatherings resumed after the vaccines were out, but I was going through a health issue and kept my distance. I always thought our age difference was why we weren't close, but I see it's that I am not ok with how I was treated back then. I will call her and give condolences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? You support your sister in her loss and don’t talk shit about her dead boyfriend. He’s gone now; just be decent person instead of making it about how he was a dick to you 45 years ago.

I would never talk shit about him, dead or alive. She witnessed his poor treatment of me back then and stood by, laughing. I was 8, they were 16 and 18. He did things like stuff me between the matress and boxspring and jumped on top. He also held me off the floor by my throat against a wall while she laughed at how I was kicking my legs out. Things like that occured every time he was around. That's part of the reason I have a distant relationship with her. Even though it's been 40 plus years, it wasn't ok.

Just be like “I’m sorry Dick died. I won’t be able to come to the funeral but I’m thinking of you”. And then inwardly smile about how he is no longer on this earth.

This is a little harsh, but not wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, how close have you really been to this bully of a sister? Do you talk regularly? See each other twice a year? Something else? Assuming you have some level of contact, I would call and just say you are sorry for her loss.

I have a sister who cut us all off for several years and we now have a very superficial texting relationship. If her husband dies, I will definitely call her to express my condolences. TBD on whether I would take the time to fly to attend the funeral, but I would consider it. I haven’t seen her in years. Next time I see her will likely be our dad’s funeral.

We live in the same town. We saw each other regularly for family events until covid put a stop to that. They reconnected at that time. Gatherings resumed after the vaccines were out, but I was going through a health issue and kept my distance. I always thought our age difference was why we weren't close, but I see it's that I am not ok with how I was treated back then. I will call her and give condolences.

Same poster. A 16 year old who thinks it is ok to bully an 8 year old has serious issues. Unless your sister has had some serious therapy and perhaps medication, I would start hanging out with her a lot less. But, you should call and say you are sorry for her loss. And then, you really don’t have to ever think about this guy again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? You support your sister in her loss and don’t talk shit about her dead boyfriend. He’s gone now; just be decent person instead of making it about how he was a dick to you 45 years ago.

I would never talk shit about him, dead or alive. She witnessed his poor treatment of me back then and stood by, laughing. I was 8, they were 16 and 18. He did things like stuff me between the matress and boxspring and jumped on top. He also held me off the floor by my throat against a wall while she laughed at how I was kicking my legs out. Things like that occured every time he was around. That's part of the reason I have a distant relationship with her. Even though it's been 40 plus years, it wasn't ok.

Just be like “I’m sorry Dick died. I won’t be able to come to the funeral but I’m thinking of you”. And then inwardly smile about how he is no longer on this earth.

I would edit to say "I'm sorry for your loss" which is slightly more true than "I'm sorry Dick died" which simply isn't true. Rest is spot on.

This, BTW, is exactly how I handled the death of my molesting stepfather who my mother stayed married to for another 15 years.