Mom enraged that I will not rescue the addict now or when she is gone

[Anonymous]

I have needed to distance myself and still I get angry messages and am demonized for having strict boundaries with an addict sister-the golden child. Not going to give details of the type of addiction, but it has caused interpersonal issues, legal issues, job issues, etc. If I did a fraction of what she did my mother would never associate with me and would tell everyone to cut me off, but the rule seems to be we must circle around her, comfort her and rescue her. I learned in therapy to detach. I would say "detach with love" but while I wish her only good things, there is no foundation of real love. My sister was pretty awful to me my whole life. Despite that I want her to be healthy and find peace and happiness, but I have no desire for a relationship. I don't even want updates on the latest chaos, but my mother bombards me-text/call/email and then is enraged that I no longer try to comfort my sister or comfort my mother or engage at all. Even worse I refuse to make a false promise that I will rescue when mom is gone. The only person who can "save" my sister is herself and it involves intensive treatment and she refuses too stick to it because she considers herself superior to those who need help. I myself have gotten a lot of therapy just to process the crazy dynamics.

The latest thing is everything is coming down at once due to her addiction and my sister is in emotional chaos. She needs to work this out with professionals and get on medication. My mother is convinced if we just comfort her enough it will all be well. The sad thing is to protect my family and my own sanity I have needed to distance myself from my mother too because she becomes outright abusive in her need to draw me into the dramatics. So my mother has decided everything is my fault and I am the worse person to walk the earth because I refuse to enable ever again. There is no understanding that when I let myself get drawn in it impacts my own ability to be a parent, spouse and worker and I cannot afford to do that nor does it make a difference as we can see.

Anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

I can totally relate. I did the same thing, my parents were enraged. I told them to stop calling me whenever she was in crisis. I have my own children to think about.

[Anonymous]

My dad is the alcoholic and all I can do is keep my boundaries. The reality is some of us don’t get the family we deserve at birth. Hopefully, most of us can figure out how to create our own family as adults that has less chaos. I’m actually really proud of how I have broken the cycle with my husband and kids. And I focus on that as well as my wonderful friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh just be honest OP. You say you only want your sister to be “happy” but nothing else that you post suggests that that is true. You resent the hell out of her.

I’m the person with the alcoholic dad, and I don’t really wish anything for him. I have no “hope” he will recover. He claims to be 60 days sober right now but I’m not congratulating him over it. I just sort of don’t care. Of course, I would prefer he be sober since he would be less likely to hurt or kill someone driving drunk. But he will still be a lousy human.

[Anonymous]

OP - distance as needed. Your mom lashes out at you because she's in denial about your sister's need to take care of herself and/or doesn't know who else to turn to for comfort and assistance. And she'll just get more demanding and insistent as her own ability to "help" diminishes over time. It sucks, but put you and your own immediate family first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I have needed to distance myself and still I get angry messages and am demonized for having strict boundaries with an addict sister-the golden child. Not going to give details of the type of addiction, but it has caused interpersonal issues, legal issues, job issues, etc. If I did a fraction of what she did my mother would never associate with me and would tell everyone to cut me off, but the rule seems to be we must circle around her, comfort her and rescue her. I learned in therapy to detach. I would say "detach with love" but while I wish her only good things, there is no foundation of real love. My sister was pretty awful to me my whole life. Despite that I want her to be healthy and find peace and happiness, but I have no desire for a relationship. I don't even want updates on the latest chaos, but my mother bombards me-text/call/email and then is enraged that I no longer try to comfort my sister or comfort my mother or engage at all. Even worse I refuse to make a false promise that I will rescue when mom is gone. The only person who can "save" my sister is herself and it involves intensive treatment and she refuses too stick to it because she considers herself superior to those who need help. I myself have gotten a lot of therapy just to process the crazy dynamics.

The latest thing is everything is coming down at once due to her addiction and my sister is in emotional chaos. She needs to work this out with professionals and get on medication. My mother is convinced if we just comfort her enough it will all be well. The sad thing is to protect my family and my own sanity I have needed to distance myself from my mother too because she becomes outright abusive in her need to draw me into the dramatics. So my mother has decided everything is my fault and I am the worse person to walk the earth because I refuse to enable ever again. There is no understanding that when I let myself get drawn in it impacts my own ability to be a parent, spouse and worker and I cannot afford to do that nor does it make a difference as we can see.

Anyone relate?

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve seen this pattern in families with addicts and alcoholics before. You just have to keep maintaining your boundaries. Ironically that may be one of the only thing that causes the “you need to want to change” message to land, so it may be the best thing you can do for your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I have needed to distance myself and still I get angry messages and am demonized for having strict boundaries with an addict sister-the golden child. Not going to give details of the type of addiction, but it has caused interpersonal issues, legal issues, job issues, etc. If I did a fraction of what she did my mother would never associate with me and would tell everyone to cut me off, but the rule seems to be we must circle around her, comfort her and rescue her. I learned in therapy to detach. I would say "detach with love" but while I wish her only good things, there is no foundation of real love. My sister was pretty awful to me my whole life. Despite that I want her to be healthy and find peace and happiness, but I have no desire for a relationship. I don't even want updates on the latest chaos, but my mother bombards me-text/call/email and then is enraged that I no longer try to comfort my sister or comfort my mother or engage at all. Even worse I refuse to make a false promise that I will rescue when mom is gone. The only person who can "save" my sister is herself and it involves intensive treatment and she refuses too stick to it because she considers herself superior to those who need help. I myself have gotten a lot of therapy just to process the crazy dynamics.

The latest thing is everything is coming down at once due to her addiction and my sister is in emotional chaos. She needs to work this out with professionals and get on medication. My mother is convinced if we just comfort her enough it will all be well. The sad thing is to protect my family and my own sanity I have needed to distance myself from my mother too because she becomes outright abusive in her need to draw me into the dramatics. So my mother has decided everything is my fault and I am the worse person to walk the earth because I refuse to enable ever again. There is no understanding that when I let myself get drawn in it impacts my own ability to be a parent, spouse and worker and I cannot afford to do that nor does it make a difference as we can see.

Anyone relate?

same situation (with a brother). I told my mom that I will not have any conversations about him with her. If she starts talking about him, I say goodbye and hang up the phone, or walk out of the room.

[Anonymous]

If your family has the $$$ means and your sister is resistant to traditional rehab (it is not always effective and relapse is common), my friend had good luck with this place in Portugal.
https://www.newlifeportugal.com/

Al-anon for all.

[Anonymous]

I can totally relate OP.

I have only this year managed to say that I'll no longer take the invective and abuse that gets hurled at me. All the guilt and manipulation for sympathy, all the blame, all the invectives about I'm the reason my sister is so ill and I've turned my back on her, and on and on and on...

We grew up in a terribly abusive household, w/ lots of mental illness, and somehow I emerged as a functional adult without addictions. I have plenty of demons, which I've been working on in therapy for years, but I also have a career and family and a pretty happy stable life. But I get blamed for everyone else's struggles.

It's totally unfair, inappropriate, and a symptom of the rampant dysfunction. So I relate.

Good for you for putting some boundaries in place and holding to them. Really it's the only thing you can do, and it's definitely the best thing for you. Sending you so many hugs and solidarity vibes!

[Anonymous]

OP: Calmly tell your mother that she is the reason your sister remains addicted. Your mom is a major league enabler. Your mom is evil. Confront your mom with reality and stop being a victim of your mom's abuse.

[Anonymous]

Do you go to Al Anon OP? If not it would probably be very helpful for you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am blown away by how much I relate to everyone's responses. Yes, I have to protect my children and spouse from this madness. it's amazing how I get blamed when I have nothing to with her. Apparently she would be magically cured if i were sucked into this all, yet back when I got sucked in all it did was bring me down. I will have to see if I can join Al Anon anonymously online.

[Anonymous]

My friend died from her addictions. In the years prior to her death no method of dealing with her helped HER. Tough love didn't help her but neither did surrounding her with support. Your family needs to realize that at some point you need to stop making your lives all about the addict.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is mentally ill and beyond your help just as much as your sister is. Maybe that's the part you were missing before that you must accept now.

So I think you need to learn to be OK with:

1. being the target of her ire on the very rare times you decide to engage, instead of ignoring her calls, texts and emails.

2. not having any contact with either of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I have needed to distance myself and still I get angry messages and am demonized for having strict boundaries with an addict sister-the golden child. Not going to give details of the type of addiction, but it has caused interpersonal issues, legal issues, job issues, etc. If I did a fraction of what she did my mother would never associate with me and would tell everyone to cut me off, but the rule seems to be we must circle around her, comfort her and rescue her. I learned in therapy to detach. I would say "detach with love" but while I wish her only good things, there is no foundation of real love. My sister was pretty awful to me my whole life. Despite that I want her to be healthy and find peace and happiness, but I have no desire for a relationship. I don't even want updates on the latest chaos, but my mother bombards me-text/call/email and then is enraged that I no longer try to comfort my sister or comfort my mother or engage at all. Even worse I refuse to make a false promise that I will rescue when mom is gone. The only person who can "save" my sister is herself and it involves intensive treatment and she refuses too stick to it because she considers herself superior to those who need help. I myself have gotten a lot of therapy just to process the crazy dynamics.

The latest thing is everything is coming down at once due to her addiction and my sister is in emotional chaos. She needs to work this out with professionals and get on medication. My mother is convinced if we just comfort her enough it will all be well. The sad thing is to protect my family and my own sanity I have needed to distance myself from my mother too because she becomes outright abusive in her need to draw me into the dramatics. So my mother has decided everything is my fault and I am the worse person to walk the earth because I refuse to enable ever again. There is no understanding that when I let myself get drawn in it impacts my own ability to be a parent, spouse and worker and I cannot afford to do that nor does it make a difference as we can see.

Anyone relate?

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve seen this pattern in families with addicts and alcoholics before. You just have to keep maintaining your boundaries. Ironically that may be one of the only thing that causes the “you need to want to change” message to land, so it may be the best thing you can do for your sister.

+1

Op, have you been on this rollercoaster a while? I always told my addict friend and her family that I would be there for her when she decided to get help. And I was. But it usually resulted in her being verbally abusive to me and relapsing anyway ). You can try telling your family that you'll be there for her if she goes to rehab. But also, it's ok if you're just done.

With my friend she was using while she was still living at home with her husband and kids and continued to use when she was cut off and kicked out. She was unemployed, had zero money, yet still found some random drug dealer to take her in and pay her drugs. She would have died at home surrounded by support too. You can't manipulate a user into changing. And so, op, you have to take care of yourself. Your family hasn't learned this yet.