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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]  I have needed to distance myself and still I get angry messages and am demonized for having strict boundaries with an addict sister-the golden child. Not going to give details of the type of addiction, but it has caused interpersonal issues, legal issues, job issues, etc. If I did a fraction of what she did my mother would never associate with me and would tell everyone to cut me off, but the rule seems to be we must circle around her, comfort her and rescue her. I learned in therapy to detach. I would say "detach with love" but while I wish her only good things, there is no foundation of real love. My sister was pretty awful to me my whole life. Despite that I want her to be healthy and find peace and happiness, but I have no desire for a relationship. I don't even want updates on the latest chaos, but my mother bombards me-text/call/email and then is enraged that I no longer try to comfort my sister or comfort my mother or engage at all. Even worse I refuse to make a false promise that I will rescue when mom is gone. The only person who can "save" my sister is herself and it involves intensive treatment and she refuses too stick to it because she considers herself superior to those who need help. I myself have gotten a lot of therapy just to process the crazy dynamics.

The latest thing is everything is coming down at once due to her addiction and my sister is in emotional chaos. She needs to work this out with professionals and get on medication. My mother is convinced if we just comfort her enough it will all be well. The sad thing is to protect my family and my own sanity I have needed to distance myself from my mother too because she becomes outright abusive in her need to draw me into the dramatics. So my mother has decided everything is my fault and I am the worse person to walk the earth because I refuse to enable ever again. There is no understanding that when I let myself get drawn in it impacts my own ability to be a parent, spouse and worker and I cannot afford to do that nor does it make a difference as we can see.

Anyone relate?[/quote]

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve seen this pattern in families with addicts and alcoholics before. You just have to keep maintaining your boundaries. Ironically that may be one of the only thing that causes the “you need to want to change” message to land, so it may be the best thing you can do for your sister. [/quote]

Op, have you been on this rollercoaster a while? I always told my addict friend and her family that I would be there for her when she decided to get help. And I was. But it usually resulted in her being verbally abusive to me and relapsing anyway ).    You can try telling your family that you'll be there for her if she goes to rehab. But also, it's ok if you're just done.

With my friend she was using while she was still living at home with her husband and kids and continued to use when she was cut off and kicked out. She was unemployed, had zero money, yet still found some random drug dealer to take her in and pay her drugs. She would have died at home surrounded by support too. You can't manipulate a user into changing. And so, op, you have to take care of yourself. Your family hasn't learned this yet. [/quote]

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