People pleaser DH and his family at Thanksgiving?

[Anonymous]

It’s DH family’s turn this year. It’s a long story but DH is sort of on the outs with his his mother—they’ve never particularly gotten along well, had a disagreement over summer, and it’s been awkward since. DH has said he’s already loathing going over there for TG. I told him we don’t have to, but he insists we do so his mom doesn’t get upset.

I already know how it’ll be: DH will complain all next week about how he doesn’t want to go. He will be in a crap mood all morning Thursday. He will prop himself on the couch and make me carry every conversation. Maybe someone will have a political argument. Then he will complain the whole way home, vowing to skip it in two years.

Are there words I can use to convince him that it’s OK to skip it and just do something as a nuclear family? Or am I doomed to suffer along side him because he refuses to set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

"Make you" carry on conversation?

Nope, you can bring a magazine or a book and hang out and only engage in as much conversation as you want. If it's awkward, that's on him.

"I'm willing to go with you if you want to go, but I will not be listening to any complaining in the car on the way there or back, because you are choosing this. I will also not be carrying on conversation while you sulk; you are choosing this. If you complain to me in the car, or sulk and expect me to carry on conversation at your parents' house, I will never accompany you to a family function again. Choose wisely, because I mean every word."

[Anonymous]

I feel like you are kind of coming at this the wrong way. Your DH is struggling with his family. These things are really difficult to unentangle from. Is he open to maybe doing some individual therapy? Not to make Thanksgiving more pleasant but to get tools to manage his relationships better?

My family is difficult and I do not want to cut them off and I imagine there is a version of my husband who could write a similar post to yours. But he approaches these things with me as a team. He understands I am not ready or do not want to cut them off, he understands this is a lifelong struggle for me, and he serves as a solid teammate, backing me up in moments where he knows I'm struggling, helping to smooth the road a bit. And he complains WITH me about them, in a way that demonstrates he's fully team ME.

In other words, he's in it with me, start to finish. Dealing with family like this can honestly be really emotionally difficult and dramatic, and this reads like all about you, all about how you will experience it. I don't doubt that this is not the most enjoyable holiday experience for you, but if you want to help your DH move to a better place here, this really needs to be about how HE feels about his family and building up his confidence so he can manage the relationships better. I don't feel like this approach is likely to help long term.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids, OP?

[Anonymous]

You can support him in whatever he is going through but that doesn't give him the right to make all of these encounters miserable for you and expect you just to cheerfully go along with it. Sometimes a teammate has to say hey. This is not good for all our team so we need to change something.
I had some family issues and my husband and I together realized that it was unhealthy for us as a couple to keep the status quo. So we made changes and it felt so freeing.

[Anonymous]

I find open ended questions helpful in situations like this to really get him thinking....
What we need to happen for you to enjoy these encounters with your family
What we need to happen for you to decide it is no longer healthy or in your best interest to attend these functions
What's the worst thing that would happen if we don't go this year?
What would you consider a success for Thanksgiving?
What do you look forward to most about the holiday?
What steps can we take today to make next Thursday? A pleasant experience for the both of us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are kind of coming at this the wrong way. Your DH is struggling with his family. These things are really difficult to unentangle from. Is he open to maybe doing some individual therapy? Not to make Thanksgiving more pleasant but to get tools to manage his relationships better?

My family is difficult and I do not want to cut them off and I imagine there is a version of my husband who could write a similar post to yours. But he approaches these things with me as a team. He understands I am not ready or do not want to cut them off, he understands this is a lifelong struggle for me, and he serves as a solid teammate, backing me up in moments where he knows I'm struggling, helping to smooth the road a bit. And he complains WITH me about them, in a way that demonstrates he's fully team ME.

In other words, he's in it with me, start to finish. Dealing with family like this can honestly be really emotionally difficult and dramatic, and this reads like all about you, all about how you will experience it. I don't doubt that this is not the most enjoyable holiday experience for you, but if you want to help your DH move to a better place here, this really needs to be about how HE feels about his family and building up his confidence so he can manage the relationships better. I don't feel like this approach is likely to help long term.

I see what you're saying here but there is a big difference between this being the second time it has happened and the 12th time it has happened.... I am 100% willing to give some grace and support through difficult times, but I'm not signing up for a lifetime of horrible family functions and holidays. If my husband wants to sort through that in therapy he is more than welcome to do so and I will support him 100%. But I am not signing up for miserable holidays for the rest of my life because he can't figure out his family issues

[Anonymous]

Tell him that you want to spend the day at home having lots of sex. You’ll tell his mother that someone is sick, tested positive for Covid and can’t come at the last minute. He’ll get over making his mom upset really fast.

[Anonymous]

Oh the holidays! What fun times for family trauma!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s DH family’s turn this year. It’s a long story but DH is sort of on the outs with his his mother—they’ve never particularly gotten along well, had a disagreement over summer, and it’s been awkward since. DH has said he’s already loathing going over there for TG. I told him we don’t have to, but he insists we do so his mom doesn’t get upset.

I already know how it’ll be: DH will complain all next week about how he doesn’t want to go. He will be in a crap mood all morning Thursday. He will prop himself on the couch and make me carry every conversation. Maybe someone will have a political argument. Then he will complain the whole way home, vowing to skip it in two years.

Are there words I can use to convince him that it’s OK to skip it and just do something as a nuclear family? Or am I doomed to suffer along side him because he refuses to set boundaries?

Just show him this post. Hes being juvenile. adult relationships with parents can be difficult. You gain nothing by posting here.

[Anonymous]

He's allowed to be upset, he's not allowed to make it too unpleasant for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with enough family trauma to take on my husband's..... Those other posters have said it's different if this is the first or second time, but if this is routinely happening I think you 100% can bow out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Make you" carry on conversation?

Nope, you can bring a magazine or a book and hang out and only engage in as much conversation as you want. If it's awkward, that's on him.

"I'm willing to go with you if you want to go, but I will not be listening to any complaining in the car on the way there or back, because you are choosing this. I will also not be carrying on conversation while you sulk; you are choosing this. If you complain to me in the car, or sulk and expect me to carry on conversation at your parents' house, I will never accompany you to a family function again. Choose wisely, because I mean every word."

+10000
Dealing with this is about setting boundaries NOW and calling out his behavior leading up to it. He doesn’t get to be a victim here and make everyone else miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Make you" carry on conversation?

Nope, you can bring a magazine or a book and hang out and only engage in as much conversation as you want. If it's awkward, that's on him.

"I'm willing to go with you if you want to go, but I will not be listening to any complaining in the car on the way there or back, because you are choosing this. I will also not be carrying on conversation while you sulk; you are choosing this. If you complain to me in the car, or sulk and expect me to carry on conversation at your parents' house, I will never accompany you to a family function again. Choose wisely, because I mean every word."

+10000
Dealing with this is about setting boundaries NOW and calling out his behavior leading up to it. He doesn’t get to be a victim here and make everyone else miserable.

Neither does OP. She can choose not to go. If she goes, it's on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Make you" carry on conversation?

Nope, you can bring a magazine or a book and hang out and only engage in as much conversation as you want. If it's awkward, that's on him.

"I'm willing to go with you if you want to go, but I will not be listening to any complaining in the car on the way there or back, because you are choosing this. I will also not be carrying on conversation while you sulk; you are choosing this. If you complain to me in the car, or sulk and expect me to carry on conversation at your parents' house, I will never accompany you to a family function again. Choose wisely, because I mean every word."

+10000
Dealing with this is about setting boundaries NOW and calling out his behavior leading up to it. He doesn’t get to be a victim here and make everyone else miserable.

Neither does OP. She can choose not to go. If she goes, it's on her.

Yes, I agree. However, OP noted that it’s not just about the actual visit. The husband is difficult to be around leading up to the visit that he can choose not to go to. That’s why OP needs to call him out on it now.