School consultant doesn't agree on placement

[Anonymous]

We're looking for a private high school for our rising ninth-grader. DC has ADHD (very slow processing speed) and mild ASD. DC is excelling academically and is meh socially (not brilliant but not terrible), which I attribute in part to the small pool of friend options at her current school. To be clear: DC is socially awkward but engaged in school and wants a social life.

We hired a school consultant who specializes in neurodiverse kids. We are not on the same page with her. DC's school director (who has been placing kids like DC for years) and DC's psychiatrist/therapist (who works with lots of kids like DC) both think DC should go to a school with a balance of neurotypical and neurodiverse kids, sports, and AP classes. Their view (which I agree with) is that it will further DC's academic and social/emotional development to attend someplace like Field or McLean. School consultant is recommending boarding school (she went to boarding school) or tiny schools that that are largely comprised of neurodiverse kids and have no AP classes or sports. Essentially, she thinks everyone else is wrong, based on DC's school transcript, neuropsych report, and a 20-minute meeting with DC.

My concerns are two-fold. First, I worry that the advice she gives us as we go through the application process will be geared toward getting DC into her preferred schools, not ours. Second, I worry about how she will communicate with schools on DC's behalf. Already, when I speak to her, she emphasizes DC's quirkiness rather than DC's academic accomplishments, longtime commitment to playing a sport, incredible writing skills--i.e., DC's strengths. We don't plan to hide DC's diagnoses, but the school consultant seems to lead with them. We think they're just one aspect of DC's application.

What should I do? The school consultant is prickly. We can try to reorient her, but I worry that she'll just get resentful and will dig-in. To be clear: I am not a shrinking violet. I've raised these issues, and she she just ignores me. Should I tell her to stay behind the scenes and not communicate with schools? Should I fire her? We spent a lot of money, but I'd rather lose it then have her essentially sandbag DC at schools that everyone else thinks could be a good fit for DC. She's already contacting schools and I'm not sure what she's telling them.

[Anonymous]

Is she in public or private right now? The obvious answer is for her to go to the school her friends will go to - but if they will all go to different schools, then that doesn't help the decision making.

[Anonymous]

OP: She's go to a private school, and the kids go everywhere.

[Anonymous]

If you know where you want your kid to go and your kid’s K-8 principal is confident it’s a good fit, and knows who usually gets in from their school, I wouldn’t use a consultant, or at least not that one!

[Anonymous]

I’d be very direct with her in a nice way. Tell her you’re not interested in boarding schools, tell her what kinds of schools you are interested in, tell her while you recognize your child’s weaknesses you’d like to focus on strengths first. Set the parameters for her to work within and give her another chance as she may have good ideas. If she continues how she has been fire her.

[Anonymous]

You’re really dissatisfied and don’t trust her. If this goes south you’ll always be sorry you didn’t get rid of her. You’ll always blame her if your kid does t get into a school you want.

[Anonymous]

I’d also cut your losses with the consultant. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sounds like she’s a good fit for your family.

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter want to go to a boarding school? Mine is a sophomore at one and loves it. But if a kid doesn’t like boarding school idea it’s tough going. I’d ask her.

[Anonymous]

Fire her, and I wish you would post her name.

School consultants have no actual credential, licensing or training requirements. She’s not trained in understanding your daughter’s abilities and could even be getting kickbacks from the places she recommends.

Also I find that some practicioners are just really invested in being “neurodiverse friendly” to the point they think all kids on the spectrum need a restricted setting and that mainstreaming is inherently discriminatory or harmful because they will be expected to fit in.

I have a son similar to yours and I have run into these types who try to push the identity-based paradigm and want to segregate him with other kids on the spectrum. Which is totally inappropriate for him as he does well in most respects mainstreamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be very direct with her in a nice way. Tell her you’re not interested in boarding schools, tell her what kinds of schools you are interested in, tell her while you recognize your child’s weaknesses you’d like to focus on strengths first. Set the parameters for her to work within and give her another chance as she may have good ideas. If she continues how she has been fire her.

I feel like OP has already given her a chance and this lady is already misrepresenting her daughter to schools. I’d fire her ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Cut ties. You need a new consultant or not one at all. You're not on the same page.

[Anonymous]

OP hear with an update. Consultant said she talked to the admissions director at the McLean School, who allegedly told her that McLean will take kids with ADHD who also have an ASD diagnosis, so long as they are engaged. We just left the McLean open house because the school head told the assembled 50+ parents and prospective students that they don’t serve kids with ASD. Categorically. My daughter was sitting right next to me. Imagine how she feels right now. We walked out.

Appreciate all of the advice. I’m with the general consensus that I should fire the consultant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP hear with an update. Consultant said she talked to the admissions director at the McLean School, who allegedly told her that McLean will take kids with ADHD who also have an ASD diagnosis, so long as they are engaged. We just left the McLean open house because the school head told the assembled 50+ parents and prospective students that they don’t serve kids with ASD. Categorically. My daughter was sitting right next to me. Imagine how she feels right now. We walked out.

Appreciate all of the advice. I’m with the general consensus that I should fire the consultant.

That’s so nasty about McLean. I am sorry OP. Your child will probably do better at a mainstream school that is not scared of diversity than a specialty school that is trying to fit into some niche. Sometimes its the “neurodiverse” world that is actually most judgmental.

[Anonymous]

I would fire this consultant and look for a better one who will look for the types of schools you are interested in - not boarding. I'm sorry things didn't work out with McLean but it is much better to know upfront that they are unable to serve your DD. It is odd that your consultant gave you conflicting information.

[Anonymous]

Just let her go, it doesn’t sound like you’re open to changing your mind so why keep paying for advice you don’t want? I’m not saying you’re wrong and she’s right, I’m just saying continuing the relationship would be madness.

It’s not really “firing” someone to part ways if you’re not on the same page.