Do your frequent guests help with the burden of hosting at all?

[Anonymous]

My ILs and parents both tend to take, take, take our hospitality while contributing nothing to the days’ worth of meals, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, chores, entertainment, etc. Even when we keep things relatively simple, their multi-day visits leave DH and me feeling burned out.

Meanwhile, when we visit them, we are contributing a lot to the visit (paying for takeout, cleaning up, even helping with special chores around the house or errands). ILs and parents aren’t even interested in simple ways of helping like taking the kids to the playground for 30 minutes while we clean up after a holiday dinner. We don’t ask for any help, but they don’t offer.

At least my parents don’t expect us to fully clean our guest room AND bathroom before we leave.

It’s just irritating that they expect us to do everything on top of parenting and full-time work, and then we more than help out when we visit them.

I’m tempted to only make Thanksgiving dinner for my ILs and then tell them they can order out whatever they like the night before and the night after, which is what they do when we visit (we pay for the takeout).

[Anonymous]

Parents and in laws, no. Never. Others do. We’re ok with that though.

[Anonymous]

My parents absolutely help out. My mom will pick up groceries, start dinner, etc. My dad loves to take care of little projects around the house. If they're here long enough, they'll run a load of laundry. This is why I don't mind having them stay for a week or more. When we're visiting them, we do the same: take cate of our laundry, run errands, help cook meals, etc. And everyone picks up after themselves.

[Anonymous]

Your parents don’t sound great, but your ILs sound awful. Don’t lift a finger. Make DH deal with them.

[Anonymous]

I set expectations right up front, and all frequent family guests know the drill by now. I will plan and cook dinners (or DH cooks or we get takeout) but breakfast and lunch are on your own. I have an open, fully stocked kitchen and I expect you to help yourselves and generally clean up after yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Are they not pitching in because you do it all? If they view themselves as guests then they would be prone to not initiate help since you "host." When/if you directly ask them for help do they refuse? Ease back on how much you give when you visit them and lower your bar when they visit you.

Speak up. For Thanksgiving just say "We're excited for a relaxing Thanksgiving together. I like how you guys just get takeout on the days around it. That's what we'll do too." Then send them to the store to get sandwiches or order a pizza. If they want fancier takeout just say, "I promised the kids we'd have (mac and cheese) but feel free to do something else for yourself if you'd prefer. We have a bunch of menus from local places in that drawer."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I set expectations right up front, and all frequent family guests know the drill by now. I will plan and cook dinners (or DH cooks or we get takeout) but breakfast and lunch are on your own. I have an open, fully stocked kitchen and I expect you to help yourselves and generally clean up after yourselves.

I would pick some areas like this and set some expectations. On helping out with kids you could ask but know that once the grandparents hit a certain age they often find taking kids out, even to a playground, a bit daunting, especially if it is cold out. Mine helped my brother extensively but were a bit too old by the time mine came.

[Anonymous]

Use your words.

[Anonymous]

Yes they help.

They know we are busy with the day to day plus holiday hosting. They’re not self centered nor inconsiderate. They try to not be a burden.

[Anonymous]

If my parents or ILs acted like yours do, they would not be invited very often. And if my ILs acted like yours do about visits, we would not be visiting them—we’d stay in a hotel. And if they whined I would say the Hampton Inn doesn’t make me clean the bathroom when I’m a guest.

[Anonymous]

I like the suggestion of setting expectations from the start. If they are really entitled and hypersensitive and you feel like that would set off some sort of royal..how dare you fit, then just set boundaries in other ways. Make the visit shorter due to work. Make an excuse where they need to stay in a hotel instead and make it clear they are invited for Thanksgiving and something else and they are free to enjoy some time on their own.

[Anonymous]

“I’m sorry, work has been crazy for both of us, and we won’t be able to host you as we usually do. If you can come visit and be prepared to help, great. If not and you want us to do the full hosting routine, then we need to wait for a time where we have more time and energy.”

[Anonymous]

My MIL/FIL both don’t help at our house and visit multiple times a year, and are shitty hosts that require us to cook and clean while visiting. We no longer stay at their house because of this. If we have to essentially “host” all the time, then we would rather be in the comfort of our own home. MIL is incapable of hosting duties and FIL works FT so does try his best to host us. He doesn’t know how to cook, but will clean up the house in preparation. I’m not excusing him at all, but MIL is home FT and should he capable of handling a visit.

It’s infuriating when I do so much work sometimes, and DH does help some. But I will never, ever treat others like this.

But all other relatives are respectful and kind guests and hosts. We always all pitch in to help each other even though the hosts bare the brunt of the workload.

[Anonymous]

Yes they help but yes I also assign chores.

[Anonymous]

Stay in a note when you visit. No way am no I cleaning someone else’s guest room.