What is Fair?

[Anonymous]

Two sisters - close in age and good relationship. Both marry and each have two kids (Sister A's kids are teens, Sister B's kids are older elementary). Both sisters and their husbands work full time jobs - making decent living but middle class without a lot of extra. Then about 7-8 years ago, Sister A's husband leaves his job and starts his own business - business takes off and Sister A leaves her job to work for the business as well. Business does extremely well and they are now multi millionaires. Sister A no longer works and her husband still works but very flexible hours, works when he wants throughout the week. Sister B and her husband are both still working their full time jobs and doing okay but not a lot of extra.

Sister A and B's lone parent has some major health issues and needs a lot of extra help. Initially Sister A steps in and does a lot of the running around to appointments and errands and help at the house and with groceries / meals. Also pays for some extra equipment, services and has hired cleaner and support person for the parent. Sister B brings food over a couple times a week and usually spends time on one weekend day with parent but her kids are in sports that require a lot of travelling on the weekend. Sister B chips in for expenses but not 50%.

Sister A is now upset saying they have taken on almost all of the burden, financially and time wise and that Sister B needs to do a lot more and pay her share and help out. Sister B says she is giving all the time she can but they can help out more and chip in up to x$ a month towards the extra supports etc. Sister A is saying that isn't enough.

What do you think - Sister A has the time and money and so should accept the help Sister B can give and just take on the rest; or Sister B needs to do more and find time and or money to balance this out.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you’re wording this neutrally but it’s impossible to give advice on this issue that way. Because there is no “should” here. There is just want people are willing and able to do or give, and how that makes other people feel.

You’re both acting reasonably so far, and here’s how I would recommend you go forward.

If you are Sister B, I would recommend a thought experiment. If your sister were only giving as much time and money as you are, what would that mean for your parent’s care? Realistically, what would that look like? A Medicaid nursing home? A slightly nicer nursing home? How many visits/extras? Then I would reevaluate my choices based on that. If that scenario was where you were, would you give or do more? Then I think you owe it to your sister and parent to do that now. If not, if you’re honest with yourself that while it would be hard to see a parent in that situation, it’s all you have to give. Then you reiterate to your sister that you cannot assist more, along with your sincere apologies and lots of gratitude for what she does.

If you’re Sister A, you need to ignore all that, and accept as fait accompli that your sister is giving all she can right now. And you need to evaluate your own choices and see what is worth it to you. If the pace of spending and help isn’t sustainable for you, you need to cut back. You can absolutely do this unilaterally as well. There is no “fair” here, that concept is a relationship killer.

BUT it’s important to note that this advice only applies to YOU, OP. You can’t read what I wrote to the other sister and say “SEE? She’s not doing that! She’s WRONG.” It doesn’t work like that.

[Anonymous]

PP has a very thoughtful post. My only caution is be careful this doesn't destroy your relationship-- I have seen sisters literally stop talking to each other because they think the allocation of care responsibilities wasn't "fair"

[Anonymous]

If you are fixated on "fair," I highly recommend seeing a therapist. They can help you think through boundaries, how to ask for support, or how to say no. As others have said, there really is no "fair".

[Anonymous]

Sounds like sister A wants everything to be equal.

What is equal and what is fair can be different things. And in this case the issue is bandwidth and resources.

[Anonymous]

Each gives according to their means. That’s Marxist, but it is one of the things he got right.

[Anonymous]

Why does it need to be fair? Sometimes we have more to give than other times. Whether it be money or time or emotional support, etc..

[Anonymous]

Obviously Sister B can't afford what Sister A can afford, but I'd hear this more as A saying "I'm burnt out and at my limit" than "give me money!"

[Anonymous]

Hi Sister B,

You are doing a great job wording this neutrally and I think you really want to be fair to your sister.

What would you be doing if your sister was in exactly the job she was in before her husband’s business took off? Is it more than you’re doing now? Or is what you’re doing right now really all you can possibly do?

When you have the answer to that question you have a conversation with your sister where you acknowledge— right up front— that she is bearing this burden on behalf of both of you. You tell her how much you appreciate her. You tell (critically) OTHER PEOPLE how much you appreciate her. Do not let yourself get deluded into saying “oh well A has all this time and money” if anyone says anything about her/your mom, the ONLY thing you say is that you are incredibly lucky that your sister has been willing to be so generous with her time and resources.

Because what this sounds like is your sister feels taken for granted. And, it sounds from your post like she might just be right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you’re wording this neutrally but it’s impossible to give advice on this issue that way. Because there is no “should” here. There is just want people are willing and able to do or give, and how that makes other people feel.

You’re both acting reasonably so far, and here’s how I would recommend you go forward.

If you are Sister B, I would recommend a thought experiment. If your sister were only giving as much time and money as you are, what would that mean for your parent’s care? Realistically, what would that look like? A Medicaid nursing home? A slightly nicer nursing home? How many visits/extras? Then I would reevaluate my choices based on that. If that scenario was where you were, would you give or do more? Then I think you owe it to your sister and parent to do that now. If not, if you’re honest with yourself that while it would be hard to see a parent in that situation, it’s all you have to give. Then you reiterate to your sister that you cannot assist more, along with your sincere apologies and lots of gratitude for what she does.

If you’re Sister A, you need to ignore all that, and accept as fait accompli that your sister is giving all she can right now. And you need to evaluate your own choices and see what is worth it to you. If the pace of spending and help isn’t sustainable for you, you need to cut back. You can absolutely do this unilaterally as well. There is no “fair” here, that concept is a relationship killer.

BUT it’s important to note that this advice only applies to YOU, OP. You can’t read what I wrote to the other sister and say “SEE? She’s not doing that! She’s WRONG.” It doesn’t work like that.

This is excellent. So rare you read something so eloquent on DCUM! Thanks PP. (I'm a NP, but this is such a good way to frame all this).

[Anonymous]

Neither Sister is obligated to do or pay for anything thus anything that is paid or done via time is because of love and grace.

Sister B doesn't "owe" more money to Sister A for the care. If Sister B is confident that she is not only doing what she wants but what she can comfortably afford, then that is the end of it. Sister B hypothetically could stop paying anything and not contribute at all.

Life is not "fair" and it's certainly not an accounting of financial contributions. Sister A is entitled to her feelings, she is not entitled to other ppl's money. If Sister A doesn't want to pay as much as she has, then she also can stop and the parent(s) will have to work within the resources they have or do not have.

This is life, not a reality show.

[Anonymous]

Everyone gives what they can, and want to, this goes for time and money.

[Anonymous]

If you are sister B - sometimes the person in sister A feels punished for the hard work they put in to make something happen. they may have had a thousand sleepless nights working on their business, put in work and taken risks you'd never take, while you had your comfortable 9-5. They might have sacrificed a lot then, given up all leisure time or time with their kids or whatever. And now you want to reap in the rewards with them - using their money and their time while you yourself may have been living a much easier life all those years they were building. its not yours to spend or allocate any more than they could have demanded you owed them something while they were building the business, you each made your life choices and now each live with the outcomes of it. that doesn't mean you have to pay more than you can afford, but that does mean an attitude that they should use more of their time and money than you because they now have it is really unfair

if you're sister a - put in the care you want for your mom and try to stop thinking about your sister. this is about what you're willing to do for your mom, if your sister is willing or able to do less for whatever reason that's unrelated. do what you'll feel good about, believe your sister is selfish if you want for not doing more, but try bother trying to negotiate. She's willing to contribute x amount to your parents care, that's unrelated to what you're willing to contribute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are sister B - sometimes the person in sister A feels punished for the hard work they put in to make something happen. they may have had a thousand sleepless nights working on their business, put in work and taken risks you'd never take, while you had your comfortable 9-5. They might have sacrificed a lot then, given up all leisure time or time with their kids or whatever. And now you want to reap in the rewards with them - using their money and their time while you yourself may have been living a much easier life all those years they were building. its not yours to spend or allocate any more than they could have demanded you owed them something while they were building the business, you each made your life choices and now each live with the outcomes of it. that doesn't mean you have to pay more than you can afford, but that does mean an attitude that they should use more of their time and money than you because they now have it is really unfair

if you're sister a - put in the care you want for your mom and try to stop thinking about your sister. this is about what you're willing to do for your mom, if your sister is willing or able to do less for whatever reason that's unrelated. do what you'll feel good about, believe your sister is selfish if you want for not doing more, but try bother trying to negotiate. She's willing to contribute x amount to your parents care, that's unrelated to what you're willing to contribute

Yikes. Do you even understand the concept of a full time job? "Comfortable 9-5"??? Reaping rewards of the sister? You're really projecting your issues related to Sister B. Nothing in the post suggests anything remotely like what you're posting.

[Anonymous]

Stop thinking what is “ fair”
And think what is “ feasible”.
If folks are doing what they can , they are doing what they can. Circumstances change, maybe sibling A or B gets sick or one of their spouses or kids.
Maybe you should focus on working together, juggling together, the ability to step up when the other needs to step back for a day or a week, for a moment.
What you’re upset about is the fact that your parent is aging.
It’s the mortality that’s not fair, deal with that but work with one another.