tell me about your child who left college in the first year

[Anonymous]

hello. ds is having a very hard time at college. he is about four hours away from home. his difficulties seems to be combination of rigor of the academics and having to live on his own. even though college is not full-fledged "adulting," taking care of himself while also taking classes seems to be overwhelming him. we are looking into all kinds of supports and adjustments so that he can be successful. thankfully, his issues are not social. he has made friends and he likes the overall atmosphere of the school.

but even after we do make some supportive changes, it may not be enough. this kind of college may not be right for him at this time.

i'd be interested in hearing how things went for your child who left their residential college and returned home.

did they work full-time? did they go to community college? did they live at home? did they opt to leave themselves or were they more or less forced to because of academic probation?

any and all insights about what to expect if this unfolds for us would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hello. ds is having a very hard time at college. he is about four hours away from home. his difficulties seems to be combination of rigor of the academics and having to live on his own. even though college is not full-fledged "adulting," taking care of himself while also taking classes seems to be overwhelming him. we are looking into all kinds of supports and adjustments so that he can be successful. thankfully, his issues are not social. he has made friends and he likes the overall atmosphere of the school.

but even after we do make some supportive changes, it may not be enough. this kind of college may not be right for him at this time.

i'd be interested in hearing how things went for your child who left their residential college and returned home.

did they work full-time? did they go to community college? did they live at home? did they opt to leave themselves or were they more or less forced to because of academic probation?

any and all insights about what to expect if this unfolds for us would be helpful.

Aside from the high-profile outliers like Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg, I haven't heard of too many kids who've left college and ended up better off. Most of the kids I knew in high school who washed out of college and went back home are still languishing in our hometown. Multiple divorces, kids by different fathers/mothers, post way too much personal business on Facebook. You know the type. So at the risk of sounding harsh, I would suggest your kid man up, learn how to take care of himself and get that piece of paper.

[Anonymous]

lighter courseload? change major?
there are lots of in between alternatives to dropping out.

[Anonymous]

I think you may be panicking... I assume this is an academic issue because you mention probation? Seems he is fine socially, maybe even too social for your tastes?

I have to tell you that this is a transition and he has to figure it out. Unless he has some mental health issues, he needs to stay and figure it out. There will be nothing to gain by bringing him home and throwing him into community college, he will always see himself as a failure.

This happened to my daughter, she was a high performing, top student in HS. got to her rigorous college as a pre-med student and absolutely spiraled. First semester was not terrible, 3.24, but second semester was a 2.5. I know this is not academic probation level, but it was a big shock to all of us, most of hall her. I'll never forget her calling me saying, "I have never gotten a C before and now I'm thankful to get a C". Problem was wrong major. Did not play to her strengths. Disappointing for sure but the facts were laid bare and she knew she had to make a change. She came home after freshman year with a sub 3.0 GPA and we actually took her to be evaluated for ADHD since she simply could not seem to organzie herself to meet deadlines and do the work. Low and behold, yes she has previously undiagnosed ADHD that no one would have ever even thought before she went to college. The lack of structure was a killer for her. HS was a breeze because of the structure and because she was living and home, she never had any issues at all. Put her in college and the wheels came off.

She dreaded going back sophmore year honestly, but living in an apartment setting was much better for her. Having her own private space really did allow for more organization and adderal helped enormously. She has clawed her way back up to a 3.4 and still going up now as a junior. Straight As since freshman year.

So net net, look at ALl alternates to making him leave. One things my DD is very proud of is that SHE turned it around. She did it. We didnt give up on her, she didn't give up, and now she will graduate next year and know that she is capable.

[Anonymous]

If the issues are not social and he likes the environment, that’s half the battle in my opinion. That’s very good that he’s socially comfortable there. It’s still new! Maybe he needs some more time to find his groove with time management and getting more organized. Lighter course load as Pp recommended. I’d give it some more time. Especially boys!

[Anonymous]

My nephew left college after first semester - his issues were slightly different, but in general, I think he was fine socially but too good socially - was having a good time with friends but not focusing on academics, didn't love the school part, wasn't passing most of classes. He wasn't really an academic kid and attend a safety that has a low graduation rate. I think he had poor peers (not focused on school) and because he wasn't focused, he didn't devote the time needed.

Anyway, he moved home for a bit and his parents said he needs to work a full time job. He did that and is now moved out with friends and is self supporting. took about a 9 months to get a job and find a place he could afford. I'm not sure he has a "career" but he is supporting himself and living independently. To be fair, he is more self supporting than my kids (for whom I pay tuition and living expenses while they attend college). I think he is fine, honestly.

I don't think he had the independence issues OP is talking about - school just wasn't for him.

[Anonymous]

I flunked out and moved back home. My parents required me to go to community college. I did not pay rent or work. For them, getting me back into school was the highest priority.

I did, after a semester off (same university). I now have a masters degree. I live in a small southern city and like PP suggests, I see first-hand what happens to young adults who do not finish (or start) college. I am glad that was not my future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I flunked out and moved back home. My parents required me to go to community college. I did not pay rent or work. For them, getting me back into school was the highest priority.

I did, after a semester off (same university). I now have a masters degree. I live in a small southern city and like PP suggests, I see first-hand what happens to young adults who do not finish (or start) college. I am glad that was not my future.

I should add that when I went back, in addition to a less rigorous major, I went to straight to a solo apartment. I'm not the type who can study with competing stereos blasting until 2 am in the dorms (yeah, yeah, quiet hours, whatever).

[Anonymous]

My husband hated his college and left and spent a semester working while trying to figure out where to go. He ended up going to a local college and was very successful. Went on to have his own business and has been very successful in the tech industry. He had to work while he lived at home. But he wasn’t flunking out of school. He just hated the college and wasn’t sure where he wanted to go instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hello. ds is having a very hard time at college. he is about four hours away from home. his difficulties seems to be combination of rigor of the academics and having to live on his own. even though college is not full-fledged "adulting," taking care of himself while also taking classes seems to be overwhelming him. we are looking into all kinds of supports and adjustments so that he can be successful. thankfully, his issues are not social. he has made friends and he likes the overall atmosphere of the school. but even after we do make some supportive changes, it may not be enough. this kind of college may not be right for him at this time.

i'd be interested in hearing how things went for your child who left their residential college and returned home.

did they work full-time? did they go to community college? did they live at home? did they opt to leave themselves or were they more or less forced to because of academic probation?

any and all insights about what to expect if this unfolds for us would be helpful.

I would not pull him out of school but would definitely apply to a school that might be a better fit just in case for next year.. This could have been my brother and he wound up sitting at home two years when it would have been better to finish the year and then switch. He became horribly depressed and embarrassed.

I remember at my school some people used a laundry service and I would look into that. At the time, it seemed a luxury but reflecting back my brother could not manage laundry. I would also look at tutoring option and there may even be something on campus. My brother would have loved meeting with someone daily to keep him accountable and help. Since he is happy socially this is huge and a great thing celebrate this. Get him also an executive function consultant and again there may be someone in that role at school. This is not rare esp for boys so please do not stress. FYIW my brother after his two years home finished college and two masters and has been married for 25 years. It is a marathon not a sprint ie just work with your son and love him through this.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP. It is hard to see your child unhappy.
Our daughter wanted to leave her college before school even started. High anxiety, medication change, homesick (also 4 hours away), anxious roommate, and a really big school which immediately didn't seem like a good fit.
She stuck it out with lots of supports (therapist, psychiatrist, etc.). Tried clubs including a club sport. Met people, made some friends but never really felt comfortable there.
She was always serious about classes and did very well. In the spring semester, she applied to transfer after visiting schools she had not applied to senior year. Visited and she is now elsewhere and much happier.
I left my college mid-way through my 4th semester a million years ago (plane flight away). I went home with mono and never went back. I got a job, took classes at a community college and transferred to another school. Really good experience. Graduated a couple of years later and still close to those college friends.

[Anonymous]

Actually, this was me. I knew within like two days of classes starting that I couldn't hack it. I couldn't do "school" and "life" all at the same time. I slowly failed out of every class that semester with the exception of gym (self defense) and came home that December the week after my beloved grandmother dropped dead at the start of finals week. I don't think I even bothered taking any of my finals. I immediately enrolled in a class at the local community college for their 3-week winter session which I failed. I think tried to get jobs, which I got fired from - one at a retail clothing store, and one at a furniture store. I was not clear exactly why I got fired. I basically was failing at life.

I got a job working as a teacher's aide in the school district I'd gone through, and after about a year, re-enrolled at community college, never taking more than three classes at a time, max. I got a job at the financial aid office. Eventually my father insisted I get a full time job, so I got one as a receptionist in an office, and switched to doing classes at night. It took me five years from when I graduated from HS to when I graduated with an associate's degree. School is not for me.

[Anonymous]

He shouldn't be taking more than 12 credits. Twelve credits is still full-time. Two approaches. Sign up for 12 credits from the beginning. Or, sign up for 18-19 with the plan of dropping the 2 classes that are giving him the hardest time .... watch the drop date (you could help w/that reminder)

It might help to choose a class time that meets at night, or only online, mix up the time of day. See what time of day works best for him. Change sections. Change profs. Change majors or take very general classes, for now.

IF the college hasn't dismissed him, I would not "bring-him-home." He is doing ok-enough as far as the college is concerned.

[Anonymous]

My DD left after her first year. She probably was not mature enough for college. She came home and enrolled in community college and started working. Eventually she got her AA and a certification in a field she loves. She may not be a high wage earner, but she is living independently, paying her own bills and is very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the issues are not social and he likes the environment, that’s half the battle in my opinion. That’s very good that he’s socially comfortable there. It’s still new! Maybe he needs some more time to find his groove with time management and getting more organized. Lighter course load as Pp recommended. I’d give it some more time. Especially boys!

I agree with this. The family friends we have who left college left mostly because of mental health. One is still floundering (21). One has a full time job at a restaurant (24) and one took a year off to get help for an eating disorder and is back at college for her junior year. Those are all girls. One is a boy who was only 17 when he entered college and it was too much for him maturity-wise. He’s super smart. He took a year off and worked for Tesla and is back taking a small course load so as to not overwhelm himself. If it’s not mental health I would say stick with it and retake a course or two or take a lighter load. College might have to take 5 years and that’s okay.