Why do I feel so bad even though I own my decision?

[Anonymous]

DH has a “step” grandmother, the woman who very late in life married his grandfather. She was a great-grandmother of sorts to our DC. We would see her at Christmas and a handful of times throughout the year. Very nice woman, though a little overwhelming at times.

When DH grandfather passed away, DH sort of fell out of communication with her, but I would keep contact with cards and phone calls, which I hated! She is the type of woman who wants to talk for HOURS. During one Christmas time call, after an hour, one of my kids dropped a whole gingerbread house and I had to end the call. A half-hour later she called and wanted to resume the call like we hadn’t just talked for an hour! She’s so incredibly hard to get off the phone.

I had a lot going on this summer and during another particularly long, stressful call, and after DH had promised her a dinner which he never executed, I decided to drop the ball. I can no longer do phone calls with her. And I feel awful.

Why do I feel awful? DH doesn’t feel awful! If we were divorced, I wouldn’t feel awful. I own it. Or do I? I have no problem sending cards, picture updates, nor do I have problem visiting when DH plans it. But I can not spend hours on phone calls. I get stressed in anticipation and stressed during. I’m done. So why do I feel so bad, like I’m doing something wrong?

[Anonymous]

Because she is a lonely old lady that clearly likes you and wants to talk to someone!

Can't you schedule a call with her and say you need to keep it to 20-30 minutes? There are so many lonely old people out there.

[Anonymous]

You feel awful because you are empathetic - and you can probably imagine being in her position, and that is scary, too.

We have an old family friend whose phone calls I avoided for years, because of just what you're saying - they'd go on forever. She died unexpectedly a couple of years ago, right at the start of COVID, and I regretted so much not having made more time to talk to her.

I am NOT saying this to criticize or guilt you - but I think your feelings are telling you something. You don't feel good about cutting her off altogether - so can you, like PP suggested, schedule a half-hour call once a month? Or whatever length, at whatever frequency you can manage?

Could you call while you're on a drive, for example - and then get off when you get out of the car?

If you can't, then yes - own your decision, as you're doing. You are having a very human reaction to someone else, who is part of your extended family, having emotional and social needs that aren't being met.

[Anonymous]

Because you are a decent human being who sees she is lonely.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I agree. If you are feeling bad, then try phone calls that you outline ahead of time will end in 20 mins.
“Hi Agnes! I can only talk for 20 minutes right now before my class will start, but just wanted to check up on you and see how you were doing.” Then let her talk for 20 mins. Car rides are perfect for this.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, i think you gotta cap, not skip.

Sometimes you literally have to interrupt and say "okay, walking out the door, talk to you soon, bye!" and hang up. If she calls back an hour later, feel free not to return the phone call.

But this woman is a grandparent figure to your kids. I think it would be a kindness to keep up a 20-30 min call every week or two.

[Anonymous]

TBH, I think you should feel awful as should your husband.

Because his grandfather died, this woman means nothing to you guys? I understand setting boundaries but honestly, ppl on this board all the time say treat your stepkids like your own, don't diminish extended/blended families, etc. but then do stuff like this.

You feel guilty because the behavior is hurtful. You're not obligated to talk to her for hours. You can show compassion and check in on her, limit talks and actually follow through with your promises - if DH says there will be a dinner - there should be a dinner.

Or...OR...tell her you're not interested in maintaining a relationship with her now that her husband died and she means nothing to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TBH, I think you should feel awful as should your husband.

Because his grandfather died, this woman means nothing to you guys? I understand setting boundaries but honestly, ppl on this board all the time say treat your stepkids like your own, don't diminish extended/blended families, etc. but then do stuff like this.

You feel guilty because the behavior is hurtful. You're not obligated to talk to her for hours. You can show compassion and check in on her, limit talks and actually follow through with your promises - if DH says there will be a dinner - there should be a dinner.

Or...OR...tell her you're not interested in maintaining a relationship with her now that her husband died and she means nothing to your family.

They got married later in life. To be honest, OP is going above and beyond remaining in touch with her. Lay off with the guilt trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, I think you should feel awful as should your husband.

Because his grandfather died, this woman means nothing to you guys? I understand setting boundaries but honestly, ppl on this board all the time say treat your stepkids like your own, don't diminish extended/blended families, etc. but then do stuff like this.

You feel guilty because the behavior is hurtful. You're not obligated to talk to her for hours. You can show compassion and check in on her, limit talks and actually follow through with your promises - if DH says there will be a dinner - there should be a dinner.

Or...OR...tell her you're not interested in maintaining a relationship with her now that her husband died and she means nothing to your family.

They got married later in life. To be honest, OP is going above and beyond remaining in touch with her. Lay off with the guilt trips.

Above and beyond? Beyond what exactly? By talking to an old lady occasionally? You can't even be decent people to those you know - but want to be helpful and altruistic to strangers - it's really bizarre this society. Limit the calls - set timers - or just be honest with ppl. Say you don't have time - say you can only talk a few minutes or say you don't want to do the calls - but being passive aggressive and complaining about how much you hate something so small as to be kind to someone who was once part of your family and who was kind to you and your child is hand-wringing over nothing. I really hope that you get treated in kind by those around you. Have the day you deserve.

[Anonymous]

IDK why you would think "owning your decision" would have anything to do with mitigating you feel bad. Being responsible for something often feels bad.

[Anonymous]

You feel bad because it's unkind and you know it's wrong. Like others said, just put a time limit on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a “step” grandmother, the woman who very late in life married his grandfather. She was a great-grandmother of sorts to our DC. We would see her at Christmas and a handful of times throughout the year. Very nice woman, though a little overwhelming at times.

When DH grandfather passed away, DH sort of fell out of communication with her, but I would keep contact with cards and phone calls, which I hated! She is the type of woman who wants to talk for HOURS. During one Christmas time call, after an hour, one of my kids dropped a whole gingerbread house and I had to end the call. A half-hour later she called and wanted to resume the call like we hadn’t just talked for an hour! She’s so incredibly hard to get off the phone.

I had a lot going on this summer and during another particularly long, stressful call, and after DH had promised her a dinner which he never executed, I decided to drop the ball. I can no longer do phone calls with her. And I feel awful.

Why do I feel awful? DH doesn’t feel awful! If we were divorced, I wouldn’t feel awful. I own it. Or do I? I have no problem sending cards, picture updates, nor do I have problem visiting when DH plans it. But I can not spend hours on phone calls. I get stressed in anticipation and stressed during. I’m done. So why do I feel so bad, like I’m doing something wrong?

I'm usually one to advocate boundaries. But, she's nice, lonely, old woman who loves you. I don't see why you cannot call her and just be more forceful with her "Well, Doris, I really have to go. I'll give you a call at XXX." Repeat and get more brief as you need to. You're going to make her more lonely just b/c you can't do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel bad because it's unkind and you know it's wrong. Like others said, just put a time limit on it. [/quote

Said someone who has never been on a call with someone like this.

OP, your stepgrandmother is my mother. I can say “Mom, the house is on fire, I need to go” and she’ll say “of course, but did I tell you about the cat that showed up in the yard yesterday? It was huge and…...”

I have actually hung up on her and texted “Sorry, lost you. I have to run but I’ll call next week.”

[Anonymous]

You feel bad because you are a kind-hearted person.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a living step grandmother somewhere. I’ve met her once. No one keeps up with her. Maybe my MIL gets an update here or there. But she was only briefly family, so after the connection literally died that was it.