Massive long tantrum yesterday
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Anonymous
| Hi, we had a helluva day yesterday. Our 2.5 year old had a great active morning, then skipped his nap and started melting down around 3:30pm. And it just wouldn’t stop. My husband got so mad, he started yelling like I’ve never heard him before at our son. Putting him in time out wasn’t working, and they were just yelling at each other. They both seem to have lost it. And the son is just yelling back and being defiant. At 2…! Finally, I decided to change the environment and go outside. So I say “let’s go to the store for a cookie.” That starts a whole getting dressed tantrum and the “I want the cookie and I don’t want the cookie” tantrum. We finally get out of the house. He’s clipped into the stroller and he’s now yelling outside and pulling down his pants because he doesn’t want “those pants.” So we change pants in the middle of the park and I start carrying him and pushing the stroller. Exhausting as he would not let me put him back in the stroller, but at least he wasn’t not screaming as much anymore. By the time we got to the store, he was calm and got the cookie. It all just feels so exhausting and emotionally draining. The husband yelling, then offering a cookie and taking him out of the house. Does anyone else feel like everything they do ends up being the wrong thing? How do you intervene with a spouse who’s also having a meltdown, or walk back a wrong idea with a toddler (think cookie) after it’s been mentioned? Still upset and it’s already the next day… |
Anonymous
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Well, it happens, and it’s tough.
But you’re asking for advice. Stop trying to come up with things to do that will fix it. Stop arguing about stupid stuff like which pants he’s going to wear. Definitely don’t give in to stupid arguments and go back and change pants, because the whole purpose of those that was to continue the defiance, and you just gave in. It was never about the pants. Don’t reward him with a special cookie. Do one of three things: 1) Put him in his crib, shit the door, and walk away. 2) Let him have his tantrum on the floor, wherever, and just ignore him. 3) Just hold him tightly, and say “shhhhh,” or say nothing. |
Anonymous
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When you’re dealing with an obviously tired 2.5 yr old melting down, there not much you can do to make the meltdown end faster (see what PP above wrote), but there’s a lot you can do to make it worse.
Neither of you helped. Everything you both did was going to make it worse. Also, the lack of communication between you and your husband about your toddler during tough moments is only going to make this harder. Talk to your husband and make a plan for the next one that involves everyone staying calm and quiet and giving your toddler what he needs (space, quite, calm?) to get through it. |
Anonymous
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Toddlers are little irrational tyrants. Stop trying to placate him. Keep him safe and wait out the tantrum, then give him a hug. Work on teaching him to take deep breaths when he's calm. When he gets older; he'll know how to take deep breaths when he's upset.
As for your husband's tantrum; tell him to take a walk around the block when he's losing his cool. Yelling is not good modeling. I've done it, but try not to; and dh and I tap out when we are losing our cool. But the cookie? It feels like you're rewarding screaming and that may bite you in the butt if you keep this up. Fresh air, yes. Cookie? No. |
Anonymous
| Hi, I’m the original poster. I should have mentioned that the yelling started after the baby hit my husband in the face while husband was quietly sitting next to him during a tantrum to wait it out. Not excusing, but just to say we tried the right way and veered off track. Thanks for the tips! We’ll need to sync up again on the tantrums. |
Anonymous
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The PPs have offered good advice. I wouldn’t suggest putting him in a crib though, because at 2.5 he’s probably getting to the stage where he might climb out.
I’d probably just put him in his room saying he needed to take a time out to calm down and he could come out whenever he was ready to interact nicely. This works best if you do it at first warning signs before they’re in full tantrum. It sounds like what he really needed was sleep. I think I would have tried getting him down for a nap again if possible. While I think it was good to try to break the dynamic between your husband and child getting each other more worked up, rewarding a tantrum with a cookie sets a bad precedent. Also, when you’re husband is trying to discipline him, taking the child away for a cookie undermine’s your husband’s authority. While he absolutely needed to stop yelling, you need to be a united team. Next time maybe you could suggest you take over for a while to give your husband a break (like a teammate tagging in) and do something (anything) besides rewarding the behavior. You can’t let your child divide and conquer. Kids are little Machiavellians that will manipulate any perceived weakness to their advantage. If he can leverage you against each other, he will, which will ultimately be bad for him and disastrous for your marriage. Next time, put the child in a safe space and them walk away. He can tantrum as much as he wants, but it won’t benefit at all, so eventually he’ll calm down (or eventually fall asleep). Meanwhile, that gives you and your husband a chance to call down too. In fact, I found it useful in general that whenever I started getting too upset (tantrumming or not, kids can really push your buttons), I’d say I need a time out to calm down, make sue they were safe, and then leave the room to take a break and get myself back together. Good luck! I know those tantrums can be grueling and I’m sorry your family had such a rough day. Unfortunately, you’ll probably have to endure some more, but now you know what you’re facing and you can strategize with your husband for the next time. |
Anonymous
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I am sympathetic because my DH struggles with this too. He gets mad and resorts to confrontation with DD during a meltdown. It is like the #1 most ineffective thing you can do. Little kids will just model your behavior so if you get upset, they just get more upset. Your DH has to learn to be calm, even if your child hits him, so that the child can see what calm in the face of adversity looks like and develop those skills. If your DH can't do that, he needs to learn to remove himself from the situation and let you handle it.
Look up the concept of "co-regulation" for toddler meltdowns. You model calm and healthy coping techniques, and your kid learns from watching you. I do think your instinct fit a change of venue and to get outside was good. However bribing him with a cookie when he was in that state likely ramped him up more (and sends weird messages to him about when he gets a cookie). Also, an outing to a store in that state is just more stress for everyone. What you need in that moment is to lower the stakes all around. I think the biggest thing is that both you and your DH responded to this meltdown with panic. Your DH got mad, you moved to appeasement. Both of you were acting out of a desire to make the meltdown stop immediately, because you couldn't deal with it. Learning to tolerate it when your kid is tantrumming, stay calm, and rude it out, will help him feel like his big scary feelings aren't so scary. Offer comfort within reason, but not bribes and treats if you can. Look to engage him with gross motor activity (climbing, jumping, running) and sensory activity (hugs if he tolerates them, being rolled up in a blanket, playing with slime). And also accept that he might not be ready for any of that and might just melt down for a minute. The more accepting you are of that melt down, usually the shorter lived it is. |
Anonymous
| If he skips nap, this is what happens. |
Anonymous
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He was exhausted. His little body could not handle that exciting morning and no nap.
DH needs to remove himself if he can’t control his temper. But I know parents aren’t perfect. Hopefully he will learn from today’s mistakes. When DS was so exhausted and completely losing control and tantruming, the last thing he needed was another outing to get a cookie. It wasn’t a good idea because 1) more work to get dressed and go out when he was over it all 2) rewarding crazy behavior with a treat. I would have strapped him in the car and just drove around until he fell asleep, or held him in the bedroom until he wore himself out. I would have made him sleep and resigned myself to a rough bedtime. Hugs. These tantrums are no fun for anyone. |
Anonymous
2.5 year old is not a baby. Why was your husband sitting next to him during the tantrum? You need to ignore the tantrum and not offer bribes (like going out to get a cookie--jfc). I do believe in bribes by the way (some kids are very transactional), but, this is not the way to use bribes. |
Anonymous
+1 toddler was rational, given his age. DH is the real toddler here. |
Anonymous
| Power struggle for kid and dad. Never ever skip a nap for a 2 year old. At least have a quiet time. |
Anonymous
With all due respect, his reasons for yelling are irrelevant. When a child is in the midst of a tantrum, they are in their reptile brain. When someone is screaming at them while they are mid-tantrum, that just ups the adrenaline response and makes them further lose control over their body. Once husband starts losing control and yelling then HE is in reptile brain and he needs to give himself a time out. Someone needs to remain calm in order for the child to regulate. If no one is able to do that, then you need to put the child in a safe space and close the door. Bottom line, yelling is going to make it worse every time. |
Anonymous
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I think it really sucks that you can’t trust your husband to keep his sh!t together, but you can’t. So give up on him.
Stop trying to “solve” whatever your toddler is complaining about. He actually WANTS you to hold on to reality. “Those pants and fine and those are the pants we’re wearing.” Repeat a few times and then just ignore. You need a safe room in your house where you can just ride it out. If he hits you, hold his hands gently but firmly and say “I won’t let you hit me.” |
Anonymous
| When my DH once truly lost control with DD I got in between them and told him to get away from her and never do it again. It was a big wake up call for him. |