parenting plan - what you wish you had included or really great provisions that you wish you had included

[Anonymous]

Hello - we are in the midst of crafting our parenting plan and I have had the benefit of seeing a handful of other parenting plans play out over the past several years, which have contributed to some draft provisions I might not have thought about otherwise. I have seen things like one parent suddenly becoming religious and taking children to religious activities without the consent of the other parent, for example. This made me think, there are probably other wonky things out there, some of which may be completely not applicable to our situation, but some of which may be good to heed.

Could you share what provisions you included that you are really happy about having included or provisions you wish you had included?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

[Anonymous]

PP here- thought of one more thing-it's in my plan that either parent can consent for mental health treatment. So I don't need both of us to consent for dc's therapy. Actually it's the law in my state (FL) but it's in the plan too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

DP. I think the right of first refusal needs to be more carefully crafted so it doesn’t hurt the child. It’s mainly important for a younger child if you think they are going to be regularly sent to a babysitter or daycare and you want to maximize every second with them. When they get older this isn’t as big a deal. I started out trying to craft a very restrictive ROFR but I dropped it after I realized I was really fighting against something imaginary (a scenario where my stbx immediately got a GF and started leaving our kid with her). I didn’t want the agreement to interfere with normal and health kid things, like DS spending the weekend with his cousins. At the end of the day I felt I had negotiated an overall custody plan I was happy with and didn’t need to micromanage ROFR. But DS is 10 - if he had been a baby I probably would have felt differently.

You could also try customizing ROFR to apply only to paid care, so that it won’t interfere with friend sleepovers, etc.

The things I am glad we included have to do with safety - no guns, smoke alarms required, seatbelts. That’s because stbx is a big dummy about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

DP. I think the right of first refusal needs to be more carefully crafted so it doesn’t hurt the child. It’s mainly important for a younger child if you think they are going to be regularly sent to a babysitter or daycare and you want to maximize every second with them. When they get older this isn’t as big a deal. I started out trying to craft a very restrictive ROFR but I dropped it after I realized I was really fighting against something imaginary (a scenario where my stbx immediately got a GF and started leaving our kid with her). I didn’t want the agreement to interfere with normal and health kid things, like DS spending the weekend with his cousins. At the end of the day I felt I had negotiated an overall custody plan I was happy with and didn’t need to micromanage ROFR. But DS is 10 - if he had been a baby I probably would have felt differently.

You could also try customizing ROFR to apply only to paid care, so that it won’t interfere with friend sleepovers, etc.

The things I am glad we included have to do with safety - no guns, smoke alarms required, seatbelts. That’s because stbx is a big dummy about them.

I mean, I don't think it is hurting the child if it keeps them from an unsafe situation. What if ex wanted to leave dc overnight at some random 'friends' house that you do not feel ok with, like they have guns or whatever? But the downside is that yes, an ex can use this to prevent a cousins sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

DP. I think the right of first refusal needs to be more carefully crafted so it doesn’t hurt the child. It’s mainly important for a younger child if you think they are going to be regularly sent to a babysitter or daycare and you want to maximize every second with them. When they get older this isn’t as big a deal. I started out trying to craft a very restrictive ROFR but I dropped it after I realized I was really fighting against something imaginary (a scenario where my stbx immediately got a GF and started leaving our kid with her). I didn’t want the agreement to interfere with normal and health kid things, like DS spending the weekend with his cousins. At the end of the day I felt I had negotiated an overall custody plan I was happy with and didn’t need to micromanage ROFR. But DS is 10 - if he had been a baby I probably would have felt differently.

You could also try customizing ROFR to apply only to paid care, so that it won’t interfere with friend sleepovers, etc.

The things I am glad we included have to do with safety - no guns, smoke alarms required, seatbelts. That’s because stbx is a big dummy about them.

I mean, I don't think it is hurting the child if it keeps them from an unsafe situation. What if ex wanted to leave dc overnight at some random 'friends' house that you do not feel ok with, like they have guns or whatever? But the downside is that yes, an ex can use this to prevent a cousins sleepover.

if you have reason to believe this will happen then you might need to address it. But if you’re just making up what-ifs then not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

DP. I think the right of first refusal needs to be more carefully crafted so it doesn’t hurt the child. It’s mainly important for a younger child if you think they are going to be regularly sent to a babysitter or daycare and you want to maximize every second with them. When they get older this isn’t as big a deal. I started out trying to craft a very restrictive ROFR but I dropped it after I realized I was really fighting against something imaginary (a scenario where my stbx immediately got a GF and started leaving our kid with her). I didn’t want the agreement to interfere with normal and health kid things, like DS spending the weekend with his cousins. At the end of the day I felt I had negotiated an overall custody plan I was happy with and didn’t need to micromanage ROFR. But DS is 10 - if he had been a baby I probably would have felt differently.

You could also try customizing ROFR to apply only to paid care, so that it won’t interfere with friend sleepovers, etc.

The things I am glad we included have to do with safety - no guns, smoke alarms required, seatbelts. That’s because stbx is a big dummy about them.

I mean, I don't think it is hurting the child if it keeps them from an unsafe situation. What if ex wanted to leave dc overnight at some random 'friends' house that you do not feel ok with, like they have guns or whatever? But the downside is that yes, an ex can use this to prevent a cousins sleepover.

if you have reason to believe this will happen then you might need to address it. But if you’re just making up what-ifs then not worth it.

It's not just what-ifs. You have to decide if the benefits of ROFR outweigh potential downsides. In my case, ex and I both exercize it on our days off in summer-dc spends the day with their parent rather than with a sitter. So it's worth it for us and our dc. Like I mentioned, we have never had the scenario of dc going to an overnight at a friends/cousins but it 'could' be prevented. But we use rofr regularly so for us it's been worth it.

[Anonymous]

Can you include time with grandparents in there? In my case, my parents are toxic and I'm estranged from them. They still want to see the kids and so they've taken to communicating them through my ex, which is super disturbing to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

If its his time you should not be approving a sleep over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

DP. I think the right of first refusal needs to be more carefully crafted so it doesn’t hurt the child. It’s mainly important for a younger child if you think they are going to be regularly sent to a babysitter or daycare and you want to maximize every second with them. When they get older this isn’t as big a deal. I started out trying to craft a very restrictive ROFR but I dropped it after I realized I was really fighting against something imaginary (a scenario where my stbx immediately got a GF and started leaving our kid with her). I didn’t want the agreement to interfere with normal and health kid things, like DS spending the weekend with his cousins. At the end of the day I felt I had negotiated an overall custody plan I was happy with and didn’t need to micromanage ROFR. But DS is 10 - if he had been a baby I probably would have felt differently.

You could also try customizing ROFR to apply only to paid care, so that it won’t interfere with friend sleepovers, etc.

The things I am glad we included have to do with safety - no guns, smoke alarms required, seatbelts. That’s because stbx is a big dummy about them.

I mean, I don't think it is hurting the child if it keeps them from an unsafe situation. What if ex wanted to leave dc overnight at some random 'friends' house that you do not feel ok with, like they have guns or whatever? But the downside is that yes, an ex can use this to prevent a cousins sleepover.

if you have reason to believe this will happen then you might need to address it. But if you’re just making up what-ifs then not worth it.

It's not just what-ifs. You have to decide if the benefits of ROFR outweigh potential downsides. In my case, ex and I both exercize it on our days off in summer-dc spends the day with their parent rather than with a sitter. So it's worth it for us and our dc. Like I mentioned, we have never had the scenario of dc going to an overnight at a friends/cousins but it 'could' be prevented. But we use rofr regularly so for us it's been worth it.

But eventually when your kid is older they will want sleepovers with friends or relatives, so you drafted an agreement that can be used against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you include time with grandparents in there? In my case, my parents are toxic and I'm estranged from them. They still want to see the kids and so they've taken to communicating them through my ex, which is super disturbing to me.

You can shape it however you want. You can try inserting a provision for no contact with your parents at all, but not sure that will be legal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

If its his time you should not be approving a sleep over.

but that’s what most boilerplate right-of-first-refusals include. so you need to draft it so it covers only the scenarios you are actually concerned about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think you can ban the other parent from taking the child to religious things on their parenting time OP.

I'm very happy that we included Right of First Refusal. Ours starts at 4 hours-basically if the parent who has parenting time cannot care for the child for 4 hours or more, they must first offer parenting time to the other parent before getting other care (in school time is not included in this). Also our order specifies that parenting time is between the biological parents.

Really spelling things out like holidays, vacations, out of state notifications, future cell phone plans, orthodontics (mine says split cost whether needed or cosmetic, although our dc's is needed), passports, schooling, child contact with parents, all the things, has been useful for us.

I suggest googling the Florida parenting plan. It's very thorough and will give you ideas of what to put in yours.

NP here
Does it cover parties/time with friends? If your kid's friend has a sleep over party from 6 pm-9 am and you are fine with your kid attending (and obviously you would not be there) can your ex contest this?

PP here. We have not had this issue raised, but based on my reading of our plan-Yes, I believe the other parent could. Ours specifies that parenting time applies only to the biological parents. On one hand, it may let ex prevent dc from a sleepover that I approve of. On the other hand, I could prevent dc from a sleepover that I do not approve of.

DP. I think the right of first refusal needs to be more carefully crafted so it doesn’t hurt the child. It’s mainly important for a younger child if you think they are going to be regularly sent to a babysitter or daycare and you want to maximize every second with them. When they get older this isn’t as big a deal. I started out trying to craft a very restrictive ROFR but I dropped it after I realized I was really fighting against something imaginary (a scenario where my stbx immediately got a GF and started leaving our kid with her). I didn’t want the agreement to interfere with normal and health kid things, like DS spending the weekend with his cousins. At the end of the day I felt I had negotiated an overall custody plan I was happy with and didn’t need to micromanage ROFR. But DS is 10 - if he had been a baby I probably would have felt differently.

You could also try customizing ROFR to apply only to paid care, so that it won’t interfere with friend sleepovers, etc.

The things I am glad we included have to do with safety - no guns, smoke alarms required, seatbelts. That’s because stbx is a big dummy about them.

I mean, I don't think it is hurting the child if it keeps them from an unsafe situation. What if ex wanted to leave dc overnight at some random 'friends' house that you do not feel ok with, like they have guns or whatever? But the downside is that yes, an ex can use this to prevent a cousins sleepover.

if you have reason to believe this will happen then you might need to address it. But if you’re just making up what-ifs then not worth it.

It's not just what-ifs. You have to decide if the benefits of ROFR outweigh potential downsides. In my case, ex and I both exercize it on our days off in summer-dc spends the day with their parent rather than with a sitter. So it's worth it for us and our dc. Like I mentioned, we have never had the scenario of dc going to an overnight at a friends/cousins but it 'could' be prevented. But we use rofr regularly so for us it's been worth it.

But eventually when your kid is older they will want sleepovers with friends or relatives, so you drafted an agreement that can be used against you.

It could. But the benefits have very much outweighed the risk of that.