friendships and ADHD kids

[Anonymous]

SEL related question: around what age do kids start forming closer bonds and have their own friends, in contrast to playing with their parents friends kids?

My 4th grader son seems to have surface friendships that don't go deeper than shared sports interests (on the same team, or plays same activities during recess). He names different kids he likes every time I ask who he likes to spent time with, or have things in common. He also doesn't get called on for playdates but is mostly social and funny. I am good friends with some of the parents and used to set them up with their kids. But he's getting older and I stopped after realizing a) behaviors were not great (kids arguing, not sharing, in opposite parts of the basement doing different things, etc.), b) these play date ideas have become one-sided efforts with me trying to help him foster friendships that fail to take root.

I can't shake the feeling that my kid likeable but maybe "off" and that he's being excluded. Do 4th graders initiate playdates and have deeper friendships? He seems like he would like to but doesn't initiate talking to his friends about playing outside of school.

[Anonymous]

By 4th grade many do have close friendships. My oldest (DD) with AadHD is in 4th grade and I’m really starting to see her ADHD impact her socially - but she does have friends and gets invited to play dates.

I also never plan play dates for her with kids she isn’t friends with - she definitely wouldn’t just play with my friends’ kids unless the whole family was over for dinner or something.

Russell Barkeley has some statistic that the majority of kids with ADHD don’t have any friends by 5th grade (or something along those lines). I can see why this is an issue - as the other kids mature and mine doesn’t, they find it annoying and start playing with other kids.

[Anonymous]

My older AuDHD DS found his first friend in 6th grade and now in 8th has several.

My younger AuDHD-primarily-ADHD DS found a friend in 3rd grade and they're like soul mates, peas in a pod. He's bossy and controlling and happily plays with any kid then moves on so finding his first real friend has been great to see.

[Anonymous]

I have a 3rd grader with ADHD and am also concern about lack of friends. He is recently medicated and we hope that some of the improvements will help. COVID also really impacted us as I wasn’t able to facilitate as many early play dates in k-2 as I did with my older daughter. But would also welcome stories from parents who have BTDT. At third ours doesn’t seem to have any close buddies although he does seem social at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 3rd grader with ADHD and am also concern about lack of friends. He is recently medicated and we hope that some of the improvements will help. COVID also really impacted us as I wasn’t able to facilitate as many early play dates in k-2 as I did with my older daughter. But would also welcome stories from parents who have BTDT. At third ours doesn’t seem to have any close buddies although he does seem social at school.

This is also me. My 3rd grader plays well with kids in the neighborhood and seems to be social at recess and on sports teams. But unless I arrange them he has no playdates. I know he would like to have closer friends. He just doesn't seem to connect on a deeper level yet.

I am focusing on making sure he has enough casual social interaction and encouraging him to meet and play with new kids when he can.

[Anonymous]

Yes op my 5th grader is like this but does have playdates and does now have friends he calls - but not deep like his friends have and I had at his age. It concerns me a lot but he seems ok. To quote top gun: I keep sending him up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes op my 5th grader is like this but does have playdates and does now have friends he calls - but not deep like his friends have and I had at his age. It concerns me a lot but he seems ok. To quote top gun: I keep sending him up

* and by sending him up I mean putting him in social scenarios - not teasing him 😂

[Anonymous]

Same concerns.

3rd grader with ADHD is well liked and plays with everyone. Social butterfly, but no real friendships.

I am sad for them and hope it’s not an issue in the future.

[Anonymous]

2nd grader boy with adhd/asd here has no deep friendship. He has someone to play with at recess and plays with kids with shared interests. He is social, but there is no one for real call friends.

I am not from here, and I don't understand the social culture here. I think many kids friendship can come from parents helping out to plan and make them closer for these age group, but it is quite exhausting for me to make it happen. I am not good at chit chating and building closer relationship with other moms, and he seems to play well with some kids but their moms don't care much hanging out with me. He is more social, talkative and outgoing than me in terms of personality.

[Anonymous]

It's 4th grade. These are sweeping statements and I'm sure people will jump in with their own anecdata but in general many girls are more mature and seem to have deeper friendships. Many boy friendships continue to be more superficial and evolve around sports or other shared interests.

4th and 5th is around when many parents stop managing their child's friendships as much so you're probably noticing that. This is when some birthday parties get smaller and kids do sleepovers with a few closer friends.

[Anonymous]

Wanted to mention that in 6th, 7th and 8th grade my DD's friend group changed a lot, which I think is typical in middle school. But there were some new faces that I distinctly remember had struggled when they were younger and have ADHD. I think it gets better when they're older and can regulate a bit more, or pick up on social cues more.

[Anonymous]

For parents that have seen it get better, is time the factor or did you do social groups, or look into ways to help your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For parents that have seen it get better, is time the factor or did you do social groups, or look into ways to help your kid?

We tried social skills groups and found them to very rigid and overly structured. Too many adult guidance.

[Anonymous]

My now 19 year old ADHD struggled with friends from third grade on. She still does and now she is in college. She’s great at making friends, not keeping them.

I think it’s around third grade that they become annoying to other kids. We medicated her in part, do deal with the impulse control. To this day, she says she has to work hard every day to control her impulses around friends, and it’s exhausting. But, it has gotten better over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanted to mention that in 6th, 7th and 8th grade my DD's friend group changed a lot, which I think is typical in middle school. But there were some new faces that I distinctly remember had struggled when they were younger and have ADHD. I think it gets better when they're older and can regulate a bit more, or pick up on social cues more.

+1

My kid struggled a lot in 5th and 6th. He was really immature and annoying - his medication had worn off in the afternoons/evenings. Many of his long-time friendships fizzled out. In 7th and 8th, he matured a lot and started picking up on social cues and has been building up a new group of friends. He still struggles a bit but it's getting better.