friendships and ADHD kids

[Anonymous]

My 7th grade ADHD son has never had any friends. The gap between him and the "normal" kids seems to grow each year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For parents that have seen it get better, is time the factor or did you do social groups, or look into ways to help your kid?

We tried social skills groups and found them to very rigid and overly structured. Too many adult guidance.

NP. We are trying a less structured group shortly and hoping we see progress.

[Anonymous]

14:16, what group are you trying? Would love to find something for my DS13

[Anonymous]

A 9-year-old child in my 4th grader’s class befriended my 6-year-old daughter. The school counselor said it was a good fit, because the maturity levels were similar. Maybe mixed aged classes might be helpful, like a multi-aged multimedia class

[Anonymous]

Try to get them together with other neurodiverse kids. Also, help them build and maintain friendships with cousins, friends' kids, etc. It's hard, but make sure to be your kid's biggest supporter. Help them look nice (it's important) and neat, laugh at their jokes, and let them do the things considered cool with their peers.

I have ADHD, and remember my mom telling me that I don't even have any friends. It stung. I was 13, and it was at the time I was being terribly bullied at school. I have since made and kept friends for decades, but I admit, it took a to of work and a lot of nice people to get where I am.

[Anonymous]

I think what you describe is not uncommon for a boy that age. Their friendships tend to be activity- and proximity-based in general, and boys that age are not known for good social skills overall. The pressure of a 1:1 playdate and being in the host or guest role can be too much-- consider meeting at a playground or just lingering after school to play there.

Sometimes friendships are the result of social skills, rather than the way to practice social skills. 1:1 social skills practice with you or a therapist, plus time to mature, plus more time with peers, can be helpful.

For many boys this age, sports carries a lot of weight. If he is interested in a sport and isn't terrible at it, consider investing more in helping him be good at it. Being good at a sport (any sport at all) will raise his standing in the eyes of the other boys. And it will boost his confidence.

[Anonymous]

IN K, my ADHD kid was super popular. In first grade (at a new school in a new neighborhood) he still had friends in school and got invited to bday parties.

By 3rd, I could see fewer bday invitations and playdates or sleepovers and parents (both coaches and parents of friends) would sometimes get irritated by him.

Upper ES and MS were tough. He had some friends but not a lot and not very close.

In HS, he found a sport he liked and was good at and could take classes in subjects of interest. He's a good-looking, athletic kid and has a good sense of humor and isn't a trouble-maker, so between all that he was able to make male friends in sports and some classes with peers who had similar interests, found a girlfriend, and seemed like a nice boy to people's parents. So, it got better, and he's reasonably happy now I think. But, it was painful to watch for awhile, and I felt unable to help him, and I think he started to take it personally.

In retrospect, we waited too long to medicate and do therapy, and explicit instruction for social pragmatics by an SLP or exec. function therapist.

IMO, there was a shift in 3rd grade, even among boys, to more talking while playing and more negotiating about what to play/do that was very hard for my kid due to language disorder issues along with the ADHD. There also was a whole universe of common boy interests - Star Wars, football, baseball, superhero movies and comics, etc. - that my kid wasn't interested in at all and couldn't feign knowledge or interest in(due to the ADHD), which also made it hard to form friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IN K, my ADHD kid was super popular. In first grade (at a new school in a new neighborhood) he still had friends in school and got invited to bday parties.

By 3rd, I could see fewer bday invitations and playdates or sleepovers and parents (both coaches and parents of friends) would sometimes get irritated by him.

Upper ES and MS were tough. He had some friends but not a lot and not very close.

In HS, he found a sport he liked and was good at and could take classes in subjects of interest. He's a good-looking, athletic kid and has a good sense of humor and isn't a trouble-maker, so between all that he was able to make male friends in sports and some classes with peers who had similar interests, found a girlfriend, and seemed like a nice boy to people's parents. So, it got better, and he's reasonably happy now I think. But, it was painful to watch for awhile, and I felt unable to help him, and I think he started to take it personally.

In retrospect, we waited too long to medicate and do therapy, and explicit instruction for social pragmatics by an SLP or exec. function therapist.

IMO, there was a shift in 3rd grade, even among boys, to more talking while playing and more negotiating about what to play/do that was very hard for my kid due to language disorder issues along with the ADHD. There also was a whole universe of common boy interests - Star Wars, football, baseball, superhero movies and comics, etc. - that my kid wasn't interested in at all and couldn't feign knowledge or interest in(due to the ADHD), which also made it hard to form friendships.

How do you look for one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IN K, my ADHD kid was super popular. In first grade (at a new school in a new neighborhood) he still had friends in school and got invited to bday parties.

By 3rd, I could see fewer bday invitations and playdates or sleepovers and parents (both coaches and parents of friends) would sometimes get irritated by him.

Upper ES and MS were tough. He had some friends but not a lot and not very close.

In HS, he found a sport he liked and was good at and could take classes in subjects of interest. He's a good-looking, athletic kid and has a good sense of humor and isn't a trouble-maker, so between all that he was able to make male friends in sports and some classes with peers who had similar interests, found a girlfriend, and seemed like a nice boy to people's parents. So, it got better, and he's reasonably happy now I think. But, it was painful to watch for awhile, and I felt unable to help him, and I think he started to take it personally.

In retrospect, we waited too long to medicate and do therapy, and explicit instruction for social pragmatics by an SLP or exec. function therapist.

IMO, there was a shift in 3rd grade, even among boys, to more talking while playing and more negotiating about what to play/do that was very hard for my kid due to language disorder issues along with the ADHD. There also was a whole universe of common boy interests - Star Wars, football, baseball, superhero movies and comics, etc. - that my kid wasn't interested in at all and couldn't feign knowledge or interest in(due to the ADHD), which also made it hard to form friendships.

How do you look for one?

NP: Just signed up my child for social pragmatics speech therapy services. I would look for large speech therapy practices and ask if they offer these services. Unfortunately, I found that these practices do not accept insurance in my area.

[Anonymous]

My (currently 6th grader) ADHD DS has always had problems maintaining friendships, but it was worst from 3rd until he started getting medicated in late 5th. It felt like in 1st & 2nd grade, most kids would play with anyone but in 3rd & 4th grade, kids started to notice how different my DS is. After starting medication, he has been able to maintain 1 friendship for longer than 2 weeks. The few friends he has had have had ADHD or something that exhibited like ADHD. I don't think he's received an invitation for a playdate or birthday party since 2nd grade (except for his 1 current friend). He plays a sport and does some extracurricular activities but hasn't been able to translate that into friendships outside of the activity. He tends to get along best with kids that are 2-3 years older or younger than him and don't mind his immaturity. I'd go so far to say that some of those older/younger kids enjoy (in an entirely positive way) how his ADHD is expressed because he can have endless enthusiasm for things. But it's a different story for kids his age.

From reading other posts on this forum, my hope is that he'll start to pick up on social cues sometime soon, but it seems like not every ADHD kid does. My DS doesn't spend much time developing or maintaining friendships, so I'm not sure if he'll ever be willing to make the changes needed to have long-term friendships. We try to do 'all the right' things to teach him social skills, but he just doesn't seem that interested in how he interacts with other people (friends, family) or value relationships with anyone.

[Anonymous]

I think this is more of a boy issue than an adhd issue, at least in ES and MS.

I look around ds’s school (which is gifted grades 2-12, and granted because of the gifted piece has a lot more quirky nerdy kids) and boys with true friends are the minority. Most of the boys have a couple kids they gravitate to, but the friendships aren’t deep like girl friendships - they just talk about Minecraft and school and whatever is immediately happening around them. If their schedules change next year, the boys they gravitate to are also likely to change just by virtue of proximity. At least that’s what I’ve seen. Sure, there are a couple boys in each class who are true thick friends, but not the norm.

This tracks with my childhood where I remember the boys in my class werent socializing with each other on the weekends in MS. They might hang with family or cousins or friends of family kids or neighbors or whomever was around. And it was until 7th or 8th grade that when the girls (we) started inviting boys to hang out with us on the weekends that the boys started regularly socializing with each other. And when I think back to MS, there are probably lots of boys I can think of who probably never hung out with another kid from school.

I think things got different in HS.

[Anonymous]

I'm here to say that it may get better. My current ADHD 8th grader struggled throughout elementary school to form friendships. It didn't help that covid hit in 4th grade, so 4th-6th grade were wonky with virtual school, masks, etc.

He's in 8th grade and has a really good set of friends, most of whom went to elementary school with him. A couple of factors: maturity, getting to see friends throughout the day (vs elementary where you only see the kids in your class), and just being better about social cues.

However, I think the two biggest things have been:

1) getting involved in theater. Theater kids, for the most part, are quirky, accepting, kind, hard working, etc., and this has done him a world of good, along with just given him a set group of people he hangs out with at rehearsals (as well as all the benefits of learning to be on stage).

2) getting a phone. This let him communicate with new friends more easily, let him set up his own social activities, let him and his friends have a place to joke around outside of school, etc. It's just really helped him. These days, if he isn't hanging out with a friend after school or going to rehearsal, he's talking to friends on the phone--like actual talking. I never would have imagined it.

So, all this to say, it can get better. But, I know it's the suck when you see your kid struggling socially. It hurts your heart so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to get them together with other neurodiverse kids. Also, help them build and maintain friendships with cousins, friends' kids, etc. It's hard, but make sure to be your kid's biggest supporter. Help them look nice (it's important) and neat, laugh at their jokes, and let them do the things considered cool with their peers.

I have ADHD, and remember my mom telling me that I don't even have any friends. It stung. I was 13, and it was at the time I was being terribly bullied at school. I have since made and kept friends for decades, but I admit, it took a to of work and a lot of nice people to get where I am.

I think this is the ticket. Our 4th grade adhd combined and anxious kid (maybe borderline ASD with rigid tendencies) feels a connection with kids that are anxious and hangs with them. He tells me they are supportive of each other at school when something happens and the other kid is upset at recess or in class. This year he started asking to hang out with this other kid that has similar traits (they both talk about their interests nonstop, quiz each other, doesn’t read the room, interrupt and talk off topic constantly, etc.). Maybe the tolerance is higher with other neuro diverse kids, bc they see similarities with each other. And it’s actually good bc instead of parents having to jump in, sometimes one gets overly excitable and they will tell each other to stop. So that’s great. Hugs to all- it’s hopeful to hear it gets better. Here is to all of our kids finding their people.

[Anonymous]

Intrigued by theater... Also have a third grade boy and worry about friendships. He does alright with girls but boys less so. Alas his ND friend and he are now too much alike (?) And at odds. It's hard to watch. My nephew shed his anxiety and blossomed in 3rd so hoping for the same.

[Anonymous]

Our third grader had no friends last year in second grade. We medicated him for the first time this year and he’s been invited to 4 birthday parties since school started. He is also a talented athlete so that makes easier to bond with boys. He says he has different friends from different settings, which I think is healthy. He has no “best” friend and I don’t think he ever well but that’s OK. Medication was the game changer I think. He connects with younger kids on the bus who live in our neighborhood, which I find unsurprising. They look up to him and think he’s cool, and he is about on the same maturity level as the first graders.