Do your teachers actually praise your kids?

[Anonymous]

I keep reading posts with people claiming teachers singled out their kid for praise in specific ways. In this post a parent claims MULTIPLE teachers have done so for her 4th grader, "We have heard from multiple teachers and other parents that she is extremely intelligent (emotional intelligence) and very self aware. Her teachers would say something like “we love all our children, but XX is special” or “XX is just so smart and self aware… it surprises us” “XX has more grit and passion than any children we have taught”.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1158556.page

Is this something that's happened to you? Makes me feel like teachers don't like our kids.

[Anonymous]

What do your teachers say at parent teacher conferences? My kids have gotten praised a lot but only at conferences. I assumed that a teacher would say *something* good about all kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In this post a parent claims MULTIPLE teachers have done so for her 4th grader, "We have heard from multiple teachers and other parents that she is extremely intelligent (emotional intelligence) and very self aware. Her teachers would say something like “we love all our children, but XX is special” or “XX is just so smart and self aware… it surprises us” “XX has more grit and passion than any children we have taught”.

OP those comments would be for a top 5% kind of kid. This has nothing to do with teachers liking your kids.

[Anonymous]

In ES conferences, usually teachers would praise my kids in some ways not quite a claim like they are the most x or best x, but drawing out very specific qualities that were strengths. But they were both a little quirky, very smart (both ended up in the GT program) and maybe not always the easiest fit with school. I often felt like the teacher praised aspects of my kids because it was obvious they also had some challenges/quirks. Praise was a way to even things out and show that the teacher appreciated their good qualities even as we worked on other aspects that were more challenging. I often wondered if they were more well-rounded, 'easy' smart kids if they wouldn't be so pointed in their praise because they wouldn't think we/they needed the reassurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In ES conferences, usually teachers would praise my kids in some ways not quite a claim like they are the most x or best x, but drawing out very specific qualities that were strengths. But they were both a little quirky, very smart (both ended up in the GT program) and maybe not always the easiest fit with school. I often felt like the teacher praised aspects of my kids because it was obvious they also had some challenges/quirks. Praise was a way to even things out and show that the teacher appreciated their good qualities even as we worked on other aspects that were more challenging. I often wondered if they were more well-rounded, 'easy' smart kids if they wouldn't be so pointed in their praise because they wouldn't think we/they needed the reassurance.

Agree with this, as a parent of another "quirky" kid. I often feel the praise is designed to help couch criticism. Which is fine, we are aware our kid has stuff to work on and I want to hear from teachers about it because that's the only way it's going to improve. Sometimes the praise is phrased in a way that it's actually not even that complimentary.

I definitely get the sense that teachers don't like my kid. I wish they did -- I think she's wonderful with a lot of great qualities and that the better you get to know her, the more rewarding it is. But I'm also realistic that teachers only have her for a short period of time, that they must balance her needs with the needs of the class, and that some of DD's challenges might make that balance hard. I try to be empathetic to them while also making sure I'm getting my DD what she needs.

I do feel like it's more important for teachers to offer praise and encouragement directly to my child than to tell me all about it. Telling me about it is nice for my ego and soothes my parental anxiety, but praising my child directly is actually really valuable to her development and can be a huge factor in her addressing her challenges. I remember from my own school experience how important teachers praise was to me and how different my experience was in classes where teachers were supportive and encouraging, versus those where they seemed indifferent or even hostile to me. That's way more important than what they say to me.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid that is praised on high at conferences. It started in preschool, “He is my go to kid. Whenever I need an answer or need someone to do something I ask x.” Honestly, his teachers have always LOVED him. I do too- he is a great kid.

And then I have one who struggles and conferences are like “He’s funny and likes to tells jokes.” And he also can get argumentative with is peers and gets frustrated easily etc. His teachers tolerate him. I love him and he is great kid, but he doesn’t seek outside approval at all and I can see why he can be difficult.

They are both growing to be their own people and we all help them do that the best we can. Sometimes that means making sure the one who gets all the positives in school has to do hard and frustrating things too (like play an instrument that isn’t coming naturally).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid that is praised on high at conferences. It started in preschool, “He is my go to kid. Whenever I need an answer or need someone to do something I ask x.” Honestly, his teachers have always LOVED him. I do too- he is a great kid.

And then I have one who struggles and conferences are like “He’s funny and likes to tells jokes.” And he also can get argumentative with is peers and gets frustrated easily etc. His teachers tolerate him. I love him and he is great kid, but he doesn’t seek outside approval at all and I can see why he can be difficult.

They are both growing to be their own people and we all help them do that the best we can. Sometimes that means making sure the one who gets all the positives in school has to do hard and frustrating things too (like play an instrument that isn’t coming naturally).

This hair-shirt quasi-sadism form for parenting shows up a lot on this site. It doesn't really make sense, when you think about how to raise a child to be a capable, well-adjusted adult.

Sounds like you've read too many parenting books and aren't really thinking about your child and what is best for him. Creating struggle by forcing a child to do something they don't like to teach grit doesn't work. How could it possibly?

[Anonymous]

1. My child with an IEP would be praised in absentia at every annual spring IEP meeting, when the teachers, in a surprised tone of voice, would exclaim: "DS is actually very *smart*!"
Well, yes, he's got a high IQ AND severe ADHD and ASD, lady, just like I explained at the start of the year.

2. My other child, who is a high-achieving student with no learning needs, is praised regularly too, but in class, in front of others: her work is held up as an example to follow in various subjects. The teachers don't say much to me. One day I even had a teacher say to me at a conference: "Well, it's Larla. You know your daughter." Yes, I know she's gifted and well-behaved and quick to finish the work. So I suppose there's nothing to say?

3. I find this very interesting. It's like they think DD can handle being the direct recipient of the praise, but my son, at the same age, due to his IEP, was somehow not considered able to handle a comment such as "despite this taking all of your double time accommodation, I'm impressed your essay is so thoughtful and mature!". Or something of that nature. He's at a selective university now. It might have made a difference in his self-esteem to hear more positive comments. Whereas my daughter knows she's intelligent, and while praise is always pleasant, it doesn't matter as much to her.

[Anonymous]

Last year we got a lot of praise for DD8. This year we've gotten great praise for DS3. He's in a Spanish immersion preschool and was apparently near the front door when some prospective parents/kids came in for a tour, and in Spanish he was like "Hi! I'm Drew! I'm 3! We're learning a dance for cultural appreciation day - do you want to see?" and then danced a little jig for them.

The teachers said he couldn't have endorsed the school better if they'd paid an actor to do it.

[Anonymous]

Teachers have regularly made comments to us that DS is smart, DS has good critical thinking skills, DS is really good at math, etc…

We take it with a grain of salt. We think DS is an above average kid, not gifted or anything.

I don’t know if the teachers praise him in class. I hope they don’t say things like you are smart, because I don’t want him to think he can just coast due to being smart and not work or try hard at anything.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my child has been adored by many of his teachers. I’m also a teacher and will admit that while I always have nice things to say about my students there are usually 3-4/year that I’m especially complimentary of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. My child with an IEP would be praised in absentia at every annual spring IEP meeting, when the teachers, in a surprised tone of voice, would exclaim: "DS is actually very *smart*!"
Well, yes, he's got a high IQ AND severe ADHD and ASD, lady, just like I explained at the start of the year.

2. My other child, who is a high-achieving student with no learning needs, is praised regularly too, but in class, in front of others: her work is held up as an example to follow in various subjects. The teachers don't say much to me. One day I even had a teacher say to me at a conference: "Well, it's Larla. You know your daughter." Yes, I know she's gifted and well-behaved and quick to finish the work. So I suppose there's nothing to say?

3. I find this very interesting. It's like they think DD can handle being the direct recipient of the praise, but my son, at the same age, due to his IEP, was somehow not considered able to handle a comment such as "despite this taking all of your double time accommodation, I'm impressed your essay is so thoughtful and mature!". Or something of that nature. He's at a selective university now. It might have made a difference in his self-esteem to hear more positive comments. Whereas my daughter knows she's intelligent, and while praise is always pleasant, it doesn't matter as much to her.

I find it hard to believe teachers in an IEP meeting would be surprised that your kids was “smart”. The teachers are educated and know that kids with learning disabilities have the same amounts of intelligence to varying degrees than kids without learning disabilities.

[Anonymous]

My two oldest consistently got praised for their empathy and kindness.

They would give examples like when my 2nd grade son’s class had a student teacher their teacher had told them that the student teacher wasn’t feeling well. Later in class in a circle they were asked what they would wish for if they only had one wish. The kids said things like a pony, a puppy. My son said his wish was that the student teacher would feel better.

My daughter’s teachers would tell me that if someone started to make fun of another student she would shut it down. She wasn’t intimidated by bullies .

These comments which the teachers pointed out at yearly conferences made me happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid that is praised on high at conferences. It started in preschool, “He is my go to kid. Whenever I need an answer or need someone to do something I ask x.” Honestly, his teachers have always LOVED him. I do too- he is a great kid.

And then I have one who struggles and conferences are like “He’s funny and likes to tells jokes.” And he also can get argumentative with is peers and gets frustrated easily etc. His teachers tolerate him. I love him and he is great kid, but he doesn’t seek outside approval at all and I can see why he can be difficult.

They are both growing to be their own people and we all help them do that the best we can. Sometimes that means making sure the one who gets all the positives in school has to do hard and frustrating things too (like play an instrument that isn’t coming naturally).

This hair-shirt quasi-sadism form for parenting shows up a lot on this site. It doesn't really make sense, when you think about how to raise a child to be a capable, well-adjusted adult.

Sounds like you've read too many parenting books and aren't really thinking about your child and what is best for him. Creating struggle by forcing a child to do something they don't like to teach grit doesn't work. How could it possibly?

Ha! I probably have read waaaay to many parenting books!

Luckily for him, I’m not forcing my kid to play an instrument. He enjoys it and I think it is the only thing he really has to work at and doesn’t get public rewards in.

Just because you have to work at something doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy it. Maybe you are just putting your own feelings about practice and work into this.

[Anonymous]

Teachers are supposed to say good things about your children. It's part of their job. Even if they have something negative to say, they usually start out with a positive. I mean, if they can't find anything positive about a child, they are probably in the wrong profession. One of the red flags at my kid's school was when he started K and not one teacher had anything positive to say about him, even though he was well-behaved and ahead academically. They focused only on the negative (he was too shy, mostly). Turned out to be the first of many red flags leading up to an awful elementary experience that we eventually left for private. So if you aren't hearing any positives, then I'd say it's the school, not your kids.

--A teacher