Vent: cheating ruined our friendship

[Anonymous]

Nothing really scandalous, just a vent. I was good friends with a couple, met them at the same time. As our kids grew I ended up talking to the wife less. Her husband and I are both super extroverts (the wife and I would joke about how we sometimes just needed her husband to stfu). He at some point ended up cheating on his wife and told me. I told him he had 24 hours to tell her before I did.

Well he told her and since then she won’t let him talk to any women, including me. They were both good friends and now I barely talk to either. He’s not at all my type (I know what some of you are thinking) but I liked talking to him because he was like a big brother to me and would give good parenting advice.

Anyway, not looking for advice just venting because this annoyed me today.

[Anonymous]

This man randomly confessed to you that he was cheating on his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man randomly confessed to you that he was cheating on his wife?

He did it on a work trip with strippers. I think he knew I’d put heat on him to tell his wife.

[Anonymous]

That's not fair on you, OP. You've been a good friend to both and you don't deserve to be left out in the cold.

You can only hope that this is temporary and that she stops overreacting. It's not like strippers are anything like cheating with a friend of the family. Maybe one day she'll see that.

[Anonymous]

I only text with opposite sex friends with my husband in a group chat. Maybe she would be OK with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not fair on you, OP. You've been a good friend to both and you don't deserve to be left out in the cold.

You can only hope that this is temporary and that she stops overreacting. It's not like strippers are anything like cheating with a friend of the family. Maybe one day she'll see that.

I don’t think it’s temporary sadly. He had to quit all drinking and weed too. They had some other non cheating issues. Maybe he was attracted to me and I didn’t know? I don’t regret making him say something but I’m just annoyed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only text with opposite sex friends with my husband in a group chat. Maybe she would be OK with that?

I’ve tried that. It eventually dries up because she’s such an introvert she hates texting and in general being on her phone. It just becomes awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not fair on you, OP. You've been a good friend to both and you don't deserve to be left out in the cold.

You can only hope that this is temporary and that she stops overreacting. It's not like strippers are anything like cheating with a friend of the family. Maybe one day she'll see that.

I don’t think it’s temporary sadly. He had to quit all drinking and weed too. They had some other non cheating issues. Maybe he was attracted to me and I didn’t know? I don’t regret making him say something but I’m just annoyed

'

Your empathy for the cheated-on wife seems very low, OP. Can you see that?

I know, you were willing to tell her he was cheating, but other than that, you seem pi$$ed at her that he's not your buddy any more.

Please try to take a step back from "But he was my friend too!" and realize: They have to both put the marriage first, far, far above you or any other friendships either of them has, for now at least, maybe forever.

Think of her perspective if you can muster the empathy: He screwed someone else, he apparently has weed and alcohol issues (at least uses enough she thinks it's an issue for the marriage, which is all they should be focused on), and you say you know they had "other non-cheating issues." If you were a real, deep, understanding friend to them both, who wanted the best for them, you would know to step way, way back, and stop thinking about your own annoyance here. If you never hear from them again, wish them the best in your mind and let it go. This is not about YOU or your "big brother" friendship with the DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not fair on you, OP. You've been a good friend to both and you don't deserve to be left out in the cold.

You can only hope that this is temporary and that she stops overreacting. It's not like strippers are anything like cheating with a friend of the family. Maybe one day she'll see that.

I don’t think it’s temporary sadly. He had to quit all drinking and weed too. They had some other non cheating issues. Maybe he was attracted to me and I didn’t know? I don’t regret making him say something but I’m just annoyed

'

Your empathy for the cheated-on wife seems very low, OP. Can you see that?

I know, you were willing to tell her he was cheating, but other than that, you seem pi$$ed at her that he's not your buddy any more.

Please try to take a step back from "But he was my friend too!" and realize: They have to both put the marriage first, far, far above you or any other friendships either of them has, for now at least, maybe forever.

Think of her perspective if you can muster the empathy: He screwed someone else, he apparently has weed and alcohol issues (at least uses enough she thinks it's an issue for the marriage, which is all they should be focused on), and you say you know they had "other non-cheating issues." If you were a real, deep, understanding friend to them both, who wanted the best for them, you would know to step way, way back, and stop thinking about your own annoyance here. If you never hear from them again, wish them the best in your mind and let it go. This is not about YOU or your "big brother" friendship with the DH.

My empathy is not low for her at ALL. I have a shitty ex, I know how it feels. Everyone teaches you how to mourn relationships but not friendships. They supported me through some really hard times, so while my post is initially about her not allowing him to talk to me, I’ve lost both of them and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This man randomly confessed to you that he was cheating on his wife?

He did it on a work trip with strippers. I think he knew I’d put heat on him to tell his wife.

What the hell field is he in?

When oh when will men evolve??

[Anonymous]

If my big brother was a cheater, I wouldn’t be so keen to rely on him for advice or even companionship. Pigs are pigs.

Move on, OP. These folks don’t have time for you at present.

[Anonymous]

Are you saying that the “cheating” was going to a strip club?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing really scandalous, just a vent. I was good friends with a couple, met them at the same time. As our kids grew I ended up talking to the wife less. Her husband and I are both super extroverts (the wife and I would joke about how we sometimes just needed her husband to stfu). He at some point ended up cheating on his wife and told me. I told him he had 24 hours to tell her before I did.

Well he told her and since then she won’t let him talk to any women, including me. They were both good friends and now I barely talk to either. He’s not at all my type (I know what some of you are thinking) but I liked talking to him because he was like a big brother to me and would give good parenting advice.

Anyway, not looking for advice just venting because this annoyed me today.

Whether he's your type or not is not relevant. The issue here is that her husband had very poor boundaries with one woman, and it is now hard for his wife to trust him with other women. Even him disclosing his cheating to you demonstrates an inappropriate boundary with a woman - he should have told his wife and not you.

[Anonymous]

Time might work it out. It’s their big life event. Back off for a while. They’ll reach out to you if they need you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not fair on you, OP. You've been a good friend to both and you don't deserve to be left out in the cold.

You can only hope that this is temporary and that she stops overreacting. It's not like strippers are anything like cheating with a friend of the family. Maybe one day she'll see that.

I don’t think it’s temporary sadly. He had to quit all drinking and weed too. They had some other non cheating issues. Maybe he was attracted to me and I didn’t know? I don’t regret making him say something but I’m just annoyed

'

Your empathy for the cheated-on wife seems very low, OP. Can you see that?

I know, you were willing to tell her he was cheating, but other than that, you seem pi$$ed at her that he's not your buddy any more.

Please try to take a step back from "But he was my friend too!" and realize: They have to both put the marriage first, far, far above you or any other friendships either of them has, for now at least, maybe forever.

Think of her perspective if you can muster the empathy: He screwed someone else, he apparently has weed and alcohol issues (at least uses enough she thinks it's an issue for the marriage, which is all they should be focused on), and you say you know they had "other non-cheating issues." If you were a real, deep, understanding friend to them both, who wanted the best for them, you would know to step way, way back, and stop thinking about your own annoyance here. If you never hear from them again, wish them the best in your mind and let it go. This is not about YOU or your "big brother" friendship with the DH.

My empathy is not low for her at ALL. I have a shitty ex, I know how it feels. Everyone teaches you how to mourn relationships but not friendships. They supported me through some really hard times, so while my post is initially about her not allowing him to talk to me, I’ve lost both of them and it sucks.

I do believe you have empathy for her but the post's focus on your own feelings about him kind of obscured it. I'm sorry you've lost them both. But if you're a sincere friend to both, and it sounds like you are, then the best gift you can give them both is to let them both go. Grieve the loss, for certain. But if you have thoughts of trying to interact with him apart from her or whatever, you're not doing their marriage any favors and may end up angering her so she pushes him away just as he's trying to work on their relationship. Just something to consider if you're wanting to hang onto contact.