Weird daycare drop off

[Anonymous]

Had an interesting encounter at daycare drop off… a teacher in my daughters class said a parent was concerned my daughter hugged them and touched their stockings/tights bc they had an interesting texture. The teacher said my 2.5 year old daughter should’ve asked for the adults consent before hugging them.

Would a child hugging you be of concern? Would you expect a 2 year old to ask for an adults consent?

What am I missing here?

I’ve seen her do this to other adults and it’s not been concerning to me. She’s not snuggling into them or climbing in their laps. Other kids in her class also hug other kids parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Find another daycare. That is a huge red flag. She is TWO.

[Anonymous]

Did the teacher say she "should have" done that or did she say something like "Larla needs to work on asking permission before hugging or touching others?"

I can understand that this is not an unusual thing for a 2 yr old to do, but I agree with the teacher this is something you can't just ignore if it is upsetting other children or making them uncomfortable. I taught my DD from a young age to say "I need space" when she feels a classmate or friend is touching her in a way she doesn't like, and it's fairly effective, but there are a lot of kids who have clearly never been told that it is not appropriate to touch people when they don't like it.

I would take it as the teacher letting you know this is something your kid needs to work on. It's fine if it takes years, she's two. But it's good to flag this and maybe start reinforcing the idea with her that she should ask first before hugging or snuggling someone, or before touching their clothes or hair. She's also not too young to learn a conditional rule like "At home we don't have to ask because we're family and we already know we like to snuggle. But at school and on the playground, we have to ask first." Kids, even at this age, can handle that kind of nuance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the teacher say she "should have" done that or did she say something like "Larla needs to work on asking permission before hugging or touching others?"

I can understand that this is not an unusual thing for a 2 yr old to do, but I agree with the teacher this is something you can't just ignore if it is upsetting other children or making them uncomfortable. I taught my DD from a young age to say "I need space" when she feels a classmate or friend is touching her in a way she doesn't like, and it's fairly effective, but there are a lot of kids who have clearly never been told that it is not appropriate to touch people when they don't like it.

I would take it as the teacher letting you know this is something your kid needs to work on. It's fine if it takes years, she's two. But it's good to flag this and maybe start reinforcing the idea with her that she should ask first before hugging or snuggling someone, or before touching their clothes or hair. She's also not too young to learn a conditional rule like "At home we don't have to ask because we're family and we already know we like to snuggle. But at school and on the playground, we have to ask first." Kids, even at this age, can handle that kind of nuance.

The teacher said she should have. Even the way you rephrased would've made a bit more sense. My 2.5 year old is fairly socially immature (aren't they all at this age). She is good about asking kids for hugs or for personal space in some settings but this concern was voiced by an adult. We can work on it with her but it's also not an immedate process. My daughter was so upset this morning and thought she was in trouble with this teacher. Typically drop off for her is very smooth and today she was inconsolable.

[Anonymous]

This would really bother me to the point I might look for a new daycare. I’m sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

A 2.5 year old asking for consent...lol

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this seems fine to me as groundwork for future lessons.

The teacher could have worded it differently, but the overall message seems correct. "We don't touch other people without asking, and they don't touch us either."

It's along the same vein as not forcing kids to hug relatives.

[Anonymous]

It’s never too early to start talking about it and modeling asking for consent. But until it sinks in (possibly years later), the 2 yo is going to act like a 2 yo. It’s not a red flag for them to mention this. It is a red flag if they expect her to understand and learn it immediately.

[Anonymous]

A daycare teacher who doesn’t understand two, three or even four year old is not and should not be teaching at that school. If that is what the school is like then that should serve as a big red flag to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had an interesting encounter at daycare drop off… a teacher in my daughters class said a parent was concerned my daughter hugged them and touched their stockings/tights bc they had an interesting texture. The teacher said my 2.5 year old daughter should’ve asked for the adults consent before hugging them.

Would a child hugging you be of concern? Would you expect a 2 year old to ask for an adults consent?

What am I missing here?

I’ve seen her do this to other adults and it’s not been concerning to me. She’s not snuggling into them or climbing in their laps. Other kids in her class also hug other kids parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

What you are missing is that your daycare understands nothing of child development!!! Find a better daycare! This could be dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s never too early to start talking about it and modeling asking for consent. But until it sinks in (possibly years later), the 2 yo is going to act like a 2 yo. It’s not a red flag for them to mention this. It is a red flag if they expect her to understand and learn it immediately.

I'm the PP with the long response above and this is more succinctly what I meant. If it's just "this is a value we want the kids to start thinking about and we'd like parents to reinforce at home" I don't think it's a big deal.

If it's like your 2 yr old is going to "get in trouble" every time she hugs a classmate without asking first, then yes that would be ridiculous and I'd consider moving.

Moving daycares is a pain though, so I'd give it some time to see if this is actually an issue or maybe just one teacher handling one incident in a less than ideal way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had an interesting encounter at daycare drop off… a teacher in my daughters class said a parent was concerned my daughter hugged them and touched their stockings/tights bc they had an interesting texture. The teacher said my 2.5 year old daughter should’ve asked for the adults consent before hugging them.

Would a child hugging you be of concern? Would you expect a 2 year old to ask for an adults consent?

What am I missing here?

I’ve seen her do this to other adults and it’s not been concerning to me. She’s not snuggling into them or climbing in their laps. Other kids in her class also hug other kids parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

What you are missing is that your daycare understands nothing of child development!!! Find a better daycare! This could be dangerous.

Can you elaborate on how it could be dangerous?

I think a 2 year old classmate of my child's giving me a hug would be sweet, my husband would find it a little weird but it sounds like the parent was wearing a dress/skirt. It's weird they think she should understand consent.

[Anonymous]

Thankfully this is very atypical for our daycare. I'm going to request a meeting with the director and go from there. Generally they are very receptive to feedback and will likely address teh situation or I'll find a time to talk with the teacher and give her more specific feedback.
Moving daycares is a PAIN in the behind and I don't want this one teacher to jade our otherwise wonderful experience.

And to the many PPs who mentioned it's important to teach consent I wholeheartedly agree. Those conversations/lessons/teachings have to occur early and often and in a variety of situations for it to sink in and for kids to understand the nuance. I walked away from the conversation with the impression the teacher wanted to see an immediate change and for her to stop hugging people without their consent. Those are very different things IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s never too early to start talking about it and modeling asking for consent. But until it sinks in (possibly years later), the 2 yo is going to act like a 2 yo. It’s not a red flag for them to mention this. It is a red flag if they expect her to understand and learn it immediately.

I don't like that this was discussed by the teacher in front of the 2 year old. Of course she was upset and worried about being left there with a teacher who seemed to be upset with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thankfully this is very atypical for our daycare. I'm going to request a meeting with the director and go from there. Generally they are very receptive to feedback and will likely address teh situation or I'll find a time to talk with the teacher and give her more specific feedback.
Moving daycares is a PAIN in the behind and I don't want this one teacher to jade our otherwise wonderful experience.

And to the many PPs who mentioned it's important to teach consent I wholeheartedly agree. Those conversations/lessons/teachings have to occur early and often and in a variety of situations for it to sink in and for kids to understand the nuance. I walked away from the conversation with the impression the teacher wanted to see an immediate change and for her to stop hugging people without their consent. Those are very different things IMO.

That is a reasonable approach. Have a conversation with them and see where you go from there. But I want you to keep in mind, and the teacher to keep in mind that a 2 1/2 year-old can have terrible self control issues because that is what is developmentally appropriate. You can talk to them about consent until you’re blue in the face but if she’s a hugger, she might just hug.

And I miffed at that parent for being annoyed that a 2 1/2 year-old gave her a hug.