Is DH selfish, or am I projecting?

[Anonymous]

H is going through sort of a stressful time at work, so I’ve been encouraging him do take a lot of time to relax and enjoy his hobbies. But now I think I’ve enabled him to be unflinchingly selfish, to the point where I think he thinks it’s his right to do whatever he wants without consideration for me. I can’t count on both hands the number of “me” things, some short and some all afternoon, he’s engaged in over just this month. Yes, we have kids, but they are teens and can manage.

Case in point today, he took the day off to attend a convention with some friends, related to an interest they share. His event was planned in advance, but I had something important to me pop up, and I asked him if he could be home from his convention by 7 to go with me. Mind you, he left the house at 10a, so that would give him over six hours with his friends at this thing before he needed to head back. He told me “I’ll try to make it.”

I’m assuming he won’t, and I’m sort of at my wits end. He has a golf outing this weekend, too, and I’m pissed.

I don’t even know what advice I am seeking, but curious what advice you’d give me.

[Anonymous]

It's not even 6 pm yet so it's pointless to get worked up about a what if.

You are nervous about your big thing and seeking an outlet an easy target is your husband.

You feel he could be showing more support like you have towards him.

It sucks but sometimes we have to use are words

Like husband I know you think I have endless fortitude but I don't this thing has scared the heck out of me and I need you there at the appointment to sit beside me and hold my hand.

I hope your situation works out for the best

[Anonymous]

I told my husband to relax and enjoy hobbies. He did just that and I am pissed at him for doing what I told him to do.

Also, he made plans with people in advance and I had something pop up last moment and want him to change his longer held plans and forget the feelings of the people he made those plans with for me.

Did I hear this right?

[Anonymous]

Just hire a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

I do think it isn’t reasonable for you to expect/demand he return from a long-planned activity on your schedule. It kind of sounds like a test, to be honest. It’s also not clear why you require his participation for your thing.

I am ambivalent about the golf outing. It sounds like he is just doing what you encouraged him to do. If you weren’t sincere, well, then, yeah, you might be in the wrong mind set.

Gentle question: Do you have your own friends? Are you capable to doing things without him at your side?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband to relax and enjoy hobbies. He did just that and I am pissed at him for doing what I told him to do.

Also, he made plans with people in advance and I had something pop up last moment and want him to change his longer held plans and forget the feelings of the people he made those plans with for me.

Did I hear this right?

That’s what I heard!

[Anonymous]

Do you need him home to watch the kids, or is it that you want him to attend your event with you? It’s hard to tell what’s going on from this one instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you need him home to watch the kids, or is it that you want him to attend your event with you? It’s hard to tell what’s going on from this one instance.

I wish he cared enough about my feeling of wanting him to attend. Honestly, I’ve bent so far in these past weeks that I’m about to snap in half. I did explain to him how much I wanted him there in support. And his even is long-planned, but open ended—he can leave whenever he feels ready to go.

[Anonymous]

Was the something important a parent teacher night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the something important a parent teacher night?

No, it’s a casual work dinner.

[Anonymous]

Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

[Anonymous]

Honestly op, I think you may be a bit off-base on this one. It’s kinda rough to drop something on someone last minute like that. You come across like you’re itching for a fight. If I was headed off to an event and my dh asked me to come home early for a work dinner of his, I would not be too keen on it.

Something is off-balance here in your response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

Now you sound whiny. What’s really going on here?