Is DH selfish, or am I projecting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly op, I think you may be a bit off-base on this one. It’s kinda rough to drop something on someone last minute like that. You come across like you’re itching for a fight. If I was headed off to an event and my dh asked me to come home early for a work dinner of his, I would not be too keen on it.

Something is off-balance here in your response.

He’s known about it for weeks, actually. His plans have been a thing for months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

Now you sound whiny. What’s really going on here?

I don’t know! I can’t explain it. I feel like I’ve dropped everything to cater to him these past weeks and he isn’t willing to budge an inch. It’s a couple hours after he’s spent nearly two handfuls of hours at his event. I’m just feeling emotional. I don’t feel supported when all I’ve been doing is supporting. It’s sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly op, I think you may be a bit off-base on this one. It’s kinda rough to drop something on someone last minute like that. You come across like you’re itching for a fight. If I was headed off to an event and my dh asked me to come home early for a work dinner of his, I would not be too keen on it.

Something is off-balance here in your response.

He’s known about it for weeks, actually. His plans have been a thing for months.

Did you ask him weeks ago to go to your dinner? I’m confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

Now you sound whiny. What’s really going on here?

I don’t know! I can’t explain it. I feel like I’ve dropped everything to cater to him these past weeks and he isn’t willing to budge an inch. It’s a couple hours after he’s spent nearly two handfuls of hours at his event. I’m just feeling emotional. I don’t feel supported when all I’ve been doing is supporting. It’s sucks.

He’s not a mind reader. I think you need to dig deeper to figure out what’s going on in your own head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was the something important a parent teacher night?

No, it’s a casual work dinner.

He has long-standing plans to attend an event with his friends, and you think he should cut them short to attend his spouses work dinner? And a casual dinner at that, not some sort of holiday party or anything?

Frankly, that's absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly op, I think you may be a bit off-base on this one. It’s kinda rough to drop something on someone last minute like that. You come across like you’re itching for a fight. If I was headed off to an event and my dh asked me to come home early for a work dinner of his, I would not be too keen on it.

Something is off-balance here in your response.

He’s known about it for weeks, actually. His plans have been a thing for months.

Did you ask him weeks ago to go to your dinner? I’m confused.

I did. At the time he made it seem like he would make it work. When I told him the time today, he gave me the “I’ll try” bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

Now you sound whiny. What’s really going on here?

I don’t know! I can’t explain it. I feel like I’ve dropped everything to cater to him these past weeks and he isn’t willing to budge an inch. It’s a couple hours after he’s spent nearly two handfuls of hours at his event. I’m just feeling emotional. I don’t feel supported when all I’ve been doing is supporting. It’s sucks.

He’s not a mind reader. I think you need to dig deeper to figure out what’s going on in your own head.

I guess that’s what I’m trying to sort out here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was the something important a parent teacher night?

No, it’s a casual work dinner.

He has long-standing plans to attend an event with his friends, and you think he should cut them short to attend his spouses work dinner? And a casual dinner at that, not some sort of holiday party or anything?

Frankly, that's absurd.

Is it though? I’m just trying to imagine a day I went out with girlfriends at 10 am and couldn’t be back home to support my husband by 7 pm. Why does it need to be all day?

[Anonymous]

Why do you need support at a casual work dinner? It’s weird to bring a spouse to a work dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need support at a casual work dinner? It’s weird to bring a spouse to a work dinner.

It’s for spouses as well. We have the day off tomorrow and are sort of celebrating a work accomplishment. I don’t think it’s odd to want my spouse to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

Now you sound whiny. What’s really going on here?

I don’t know! I can’t explain it. I feel like I’ve dropped everything to cater to him these past weeks and he isn’t willing to budge an inch. It’s a couple hours after he’s spent nearly two handfuls of hours at his event. I’m just feeling emotional. I don’t feel supported when all I’ve been doing is supporting. It’s sucks.

Tell us more about you dropping everything to cater to him. Naturally, this is where your resent is coming from - you feel you drop everything at logistical and emotional cost to you and he cannot show up to a work celebration after a full day of fun?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

Now you sound whiny. What’s really going on here?

I don’t know! I can’t explain it. I feel like I’ve dropped everything to cater to him these past weeks and he isn’t willing to budge an inch. It’s a couple hours after he’s spent nearly two handfuls of hours at his event. I’m just feeling emotional. I don’t feel supported when all I’ve been doing is supporting. It’s sucks.

Tell us more about you dropping everything to cater to him. Naturally, this is where your resent is coming from - you feel you drop everything at logistical and emotional cost to you and he cannot show up to a work celebration after a full day of fun?

Pretty much exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

Now you sound whiny. What’s really going on here?

I don’t know! I can’t explain it. I feel like I’ve dropped everything to cater to him these past weeks and he isn’t willing to budge an inch. It’s a couple hours after he’s spent nearly two handfuls of hours at his event. I’m just feeling emotional. I don’t feel supported when all I’ve been doing is supporting. It’s sucks.

Tell us more about you dropping everything to cater to him. Naturally, this is where your resent is coming from - you feel you drop everything at logistical and emotional cost to you and he cannot show up to a work celebration after a full day of fun?

Pretty much exactly this.

So you don't have to tell us, but are you clear on why you are dropping things? Do you feel you have to? Does he understand this? Is he asking you to? It sounds like he doesn't understand the resentment is building because you are picking more slack than you original thought for his me-time? (I'm just spit-balling here).

[Anonymous]

It's unfortunate that this conflict popped up on the same day. That's stressful.

But let's be real. Your work dinner is terrible and that's why he doesn't want to go. Your coworker's spouses are not his friends. You want him there because yowont enjoy it either, so you need support.

Take a page out of your own playbook, and take care of yourself, and don't go to the work dinner.


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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight is a tough one. Asking him to change his long standing plans last minute would be objectionable to me but I’d do it. As to everything else, What would you rather
him do instead? Asking him not to plan when there’s nothing else going on is kind of crazy.

I don’t want him to not do these things, that’s not my point. But he has been enjoying so much time freedom, I just figured it would be nice if he could accommodate MY time the way I do his. This felt do-able. He’s been there all day, it’s not unreasonable to say you have to leave to do something for your wife. It’s not like I keep him on a leash. In fact, that’s what makes me most angry! He does whatever, yet he can’t even give me this.

Op here, and the look he gave me when he said “I’ll try” was like, “and if I don’t, what are you going to do?”

And what AM I going to do? He’s right. Nothing. I’ll be disappointed, but apparently I have no right to even that.

Now you sound whiny. What’s really going on here?

I don’t know! I can’t explain it. I feel like I’ve dropped everything to cater to him these past weeks and he isn’t willing to budge an inch. It’s a couple hours after he’s spent nearly two handfuls of hours at his event. I’m just feeling emotional. I don’t feel supported when all I’ve been doing is supporting. It’s sucks.

Tell us more about you dropping everything to cater to him. Naturally, this is where your resent is coming from - you feel you drop everything at logistical and emotional cost to you and he cannot show up to a work celebration after a full day of fun?

Pretty much exactly this.

So you don't have to tell us, but are you clear on why you are dropping things? Do you feel you have to? Does he understand this? Is he asking you to? It sounds like he doesn't understand the resentment is building because you are picking more slack than you original thought for his me-time? (I'm just spit-balling here).

This is a place to look. Are you making sacrifices with the assumption that he’ll recognize that’s what’s happening and become appreciative of that fact? No offense, op, but most people would miss that.

Not to be too whatever, but what was your parents relationship like? Or your relationship with your parents? I feel like this is coming from a fundamental place where you feel uncared for, but yet unable to speak up for yourself.