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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Thanks. How do I talk to him about this? It's an emerging pattern. How do I talk to a person who doesn't see what's wrong and is also likely to rebuke me as being irrational/selfish/not taking his feelings seriously?[/quote]

You’re going to have to stay very calm and curious, even in the face of ridiculous statements by him.

“Can you say more about that?”
“What’s making you say that?”

And then paraphrase without a scintilla of judgement in your voice. 
“So you believe that I purposely left the cup on the counter because I don’t care about anything here. Is that what you think?”

I think you need to stay in this calm place of curiosity and just listening. And then in a moment where you’re not caught up in an argument, you can bring up the pattern and ask what’s going on. You can share your concern: “This isn’t like you. What’s going on?”

Is he having an affair? It’s common to lash out at a partner to make them the enemy and thereby justify their having an affair. Be ready for that. [/quote]

Thanks, this is very helpful. We have been married 14 years. I don't suspect an affair at all. We are financially stressed and have been for 5-6 years. I think it's coming to a head. [/quote]
Clearly there is some serious stressor in his life. If you’re sure it’s not an affair, then lean into his responses. You can note the behaviors and then your suspicion. That may offer some relief for him. My guess is that he feels like crap and a failure for the financial mess. He’s uncomfortable sitting in that space, so he makes you the enemy who’s picking at him when he’s the one doing to himself internally. Somewhere there’s a way to let him know that you are not that enemy, that you are his partner. You can tell him that you “guess” he might be feeling bad, which is fine. What’s not fine is the lashing out at you. As someone suggested, a counselor could help you navigate this minefield. Even if he won’t go, you can figure out some ways to disengage while still being supportive. 
It’s about figuring out a way to hold him accountable for these responses while still being a caring partner. Not an easy needle to thread, but not impossible. [/quote]

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