Friend who doesn't need to work saying how lucky she is to have work-life balance

[Anonymous]

I am in an extraordinarily high-stress period at work. I love what I do, but ... it's just a lot, and sometimes I really feel at the end of my rope. Moreover, I do need to work. We couldn't get by on one income alone.
I have a friend who lives nearby who texts both myself and another pal about how leisurely and better-balanced her life is now that she quit her job and does volunteer work at an art gallery (think Charlotte York from SATC but more earthy crunchy). She is a lovely person, but she's often texting photos of her book from the cafe she's at or flowers from a walk - which I'm seeing at the end of a long day staring at a screen, and I can't help but feel...bitter or something.
She has said over drinks that she had no choice but to stop working after she found herself snapping at her kids too much. I mean, OK, but...a lot of people have to work and snap at their kids and just suck it up, or still work and try not to snap...it's just sort of this blind spot. And now it's getting bad because the other friend is side-texting me about how out of touch she is. I think it's beginning to kind of erode our friendship. She'll text asking to meet for lunch and we can't (we do work from home so maybe it's reasonable she thinks we can steal off but it's not easy)...things like that. It's just like this weird GAP. And she talks about staying home and how NECESSARY it is... a lot. It's hard not to feel kind of odd about it all, like...not everyone can do this?? Ugh Sorry I am just ... venting here.

[Anonymous]

You could down scale your life? The stress isn’t worth it. I’m with your friend.

[Anonymous]

That's really nice of your friend. But it's tone deaf to text this to you guys more than once.

I have an amazing gig that is fulfilling, flexible, and challenging. I brag about that to friends in similar roles, but I don't over-talk work to SAHM friends or overburdened friends. It makes you look too self-centered to be empathetic.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the first two PPs. They're weird.

Your friend is very tone deaf. It's almost like she's still trying to justify her newfound life balance by over gushing about it. It's not pleasant to be on the receiving end of it when you don't have the choice.

I'd pull back. If you really care about her, tell her that while you're happy for her, she needs to read the room and know her audience.

[Anonymous]

A little different but I have a friend who recently got divorced. I'm a full time single mom and have very little in the way of support/village. She has her DC every other weekend and she always texts me on her weekend when she doesn't have her child and asks if I want to go out. She knows I can't go and prior to her divorce we always met with the kids during the day. She asks if I am dating - she knows I am beyond stressed with work/life right now and have very limited time. I can't tell if she is lonely or just trying to rub my face in her free time. Sounds a little like your friend.

[Anonymous]

I'd just ignore her when she's gushing or texting you about her book in the middle of the day. If she asks why you blew her off "oh sorry, i was busy at work"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have time to post here!

There's one in every thread...

[Anonymous]

Your friend may also (outside of not reading the room) be very insecure in her decision and wants to validate it - to herself and you/friends.

I promise you if you started saying things like "Oh I understand - all women aren't cut out for the career track" or "I love knowing how my kids will see the strong role model I'm creating by being able to work a high profile job and still maintain the house, but I understand it's just too much for some women" or "gosh I think my brain would fry if I did nothing but stay home all day - good thing you have that little part time thing to get adult conversation" - that she would be uber offended.

She isn't reading the room - but also, I think you need to be your own advocate and tell your friend how it makes you feel. Tell her you are happy that her decision is working for her and that she has the option and financial flexibility to do so but that she's tone deaf and you want her to understand how it affects your friendship. Real friends say real things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend may also (outside of not reading the room) be very insecure in her decision and wants to validate it - to herself and you/friends.

I promise you if you started saying things like "Oh I understand - all women aren't cut out for the career track" or "I love knowing how my kids will see the strong role model I'm creating by being able to work a high profile job and still maintain the house, but I understand it's just too much for some women" or "gosh I think my brain would fry if I did nothing but stay home all day - good thing you have that little part time thing to get adult conversation" - that she would be uber offended.

She isn't reading the room - but also, I think you need to be your own advocate and tell your friend how it makes you feel. Tell her you are happy that her decision is working for her and that she has the option and financial flexibility to do so but that she's tone deaf and you want her to understand how it affects your friendship. Real friends say real things.

I suspect that the friend would be hurt and embarrassed, not offended. This is really good advice, though. If she's a good friend, you kind of owe it to her to gently clue her in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend may also (outside of not reading the room) be very insecure in her decision and wants to validate it - to herself and you/friends.

I promise you if you started saying things like "Oh I understand - all women aren't cut out for the career track" or "I love knowing how my kids will see the strong role model I'm creating by being able to work a high profile job and still maintain the house, but I understand it's just too much for some women" or "gosh I think my brain would fry if I did nothing but stay home all day - good thing you have that little part time thing to get adult conversation" - that she would be uber offended.

She isn't reading the room - but also, I think you need to be your own advocate and tell your friend how it makes you feel. Tell her you are happy that her decision is working for her and that she has the option and financial flexibility to do so but that she's tone deaf and you want her to understand how it affects your friendship. Real friends say real things.

I suspect that the friend would be hurt and embarrassed, not offended. This is really good advice, though. If she's a good friend, you kind of owe it to her to gently clue her in.

+1

I agree with the last sentence. I have friends who work from home, plus they do not have to put in a full 8 hours, but they sometimes complain about working "so much". I find it offensive, as DH and I do not have the remote option (at all, even during covid), nor do we have family that helps out (with kids or food or anything). A family that has two commutes (ie: full time, plus three hours more per day, plus zero family help) adds a LOT to the demands of the family. Comparatively, I know some (latter) families that have to sacrifice one job just to be home for the kids - that means one salary only (obviously) ie: a parent that wants to work and contribute in that way to the family, but can not find a job that is flexible enough.

I think some people really have a blessed life, and do not realize how good they have it, OP. In your friends's case, she may be grateful, but she is also completely tone deaf. Flexible jobs are not something that the entire world has, yet those with flexible jobs seem to think so.

[Anonymous]

To me it sounds like maybe your friend is kind of lonely and seeking validation for her choice. Maybe she got fired rather than quit or maybe she’s second guessing her decision to step out of the workforce. She needs your approval.

[Anonymous]

You also have to recognize that your feelings about her are coming from your feelings about your own situation. You can't put it all on her. She is being herself and living her life. If you don't like or can't deal with that, move on.

[Anonymous]

Next time she texts/talks about it you can say, "ok, ok, no need to rub it in. Some of us are still grinding with no end in sight"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's really nice of your friend. But it's tone deaf to text this to you guys more than once.

I have an amazing gig that is fulfilling, flexible, and challenging. I brag about that to friends in similar roles, but I don't over-talk work to SAHM friends or overburdened friends. It makes you look too self-centered to be empathetic.

You sound like a very nice person and sensitive to others. Well done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in an extraordinarily high-stress period at work. I love what I do, but ... it's just a lot, and sometimes I really feel at the end of my rope. Moreover, I do need to work. We couldn't get by on one income alone.
I have a friend who lives nearby who texts both myself and another pal about how leisurely and better-balanced her life is now that she quit her job and does volunteer work at an art gallery (think Charlotte York from SATC but more earthy crunchy). She is a lovely person, but she's often texting photos of her book from the cafe she's at or flowers from a walk - which I'm seeing at the end of a long day staring at a screen, and I can't help but feel...bitter or something.
She has said over drinks that she had no choice but to stop working after she found herself snapping at her kids too much. I mean, OK, but...a lot of people have to work and snap at their kids and just suck it up, or still work and try not to snap...it's just sort of this blind spot. And now it's getting bad because the other friend is side-texting me about how out of touch she is. I think it's beginning to kind of erode our friendship. She'll text asking to meet for lunch and we can't (we do work from home so maybe it's reasonable she thinks we can steal off but it's not easy)...things like that. It's just like this weird GAP. And she talks about staying home and how NECESSARY it is... a lot. It's hard not to feel kind of odd about it all, like...not everyone can do this?? Ugh Sorry I am just ... venting here.

I can see why your friend’s tone deaf gestures of friendship might be bothering you - but I would gently clue her in while letting her know that you value her friendship.

I would try to avoid unnecessary mummy wars dynamics. Most of us are doing our best as mothers and face different challenges. This phase of life won’t last for ever and you may eventually enjoy her company on walks or at art galleries/ creative ventures or spiritual quests or whatever you choose when you eventually have more time.

Plus parenting can be really challenging especially as kids/ tweens get older and it is good to have supportive friends with more time on their hands.

I personally have close friends who are both SAHMs and highly accomplished career women, and they have all been amazing supports for me during a very difficult period. I treasure all of them.

It helps to clearly communicate our needs and boundaries in gentle or humorous ways.

Good luck navigating the friendship mine fields.