Friend who doesn't need to work saying how lucky she is to have work-life balance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little different but I have a friend who recently got divorced. I'm a full time single mom and have very little in the way of support/village. She has her DC every other weekend and she always texts me on her weekend when she doesn't have her child and asks if I want to go out. She knows I can't go and prior to her divorce we always met with the kids during the day. She asks if I am dating - she knows I am beyond stressed with work/life right now and have very limited time. I can't tell if she is lonely or just trying to rub my face in her free time. Sounds a little like your friend.

She's lonely.

[Anonymous]

I bet she is seeking validation, but it sounds pretty obnoxious. Does she not understand that most people who work do so because they need the money? Wouldn’t we all love to spend a few hours a week volunteering and the rest of the time relaxing?? Stick is half-joking responses - “So jealous of the book and coffee! I’ll be reading expense reports in the office until I’m 70 unless I stumble upon a pot of gold!” Okay that was super lame but you get the idea.

A friend of mine has both sets of grandparents nearby and a ton of money. We have no family and not nearly as much spare cash. She and her DH take many, many weekends away. She was telling me how it’s so important for my marriage and I should really plan at least one over night a month with DH. I eventually had to tell her that unless she was offering to have my 3 kids for a weekend, she had to stop with the vacation talk because we just can’t afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women think working is awesome but it isn't , most of the younger kids plan to marry up and stay at home, lean in Genx bs isn't working or worth it

Hahahaha!

Most of the younger kids plan not to marry, or not to procreate given the dying planet. And most of the ones that do will still have to have both parents working to afford to live.

[Anonymous]

Your friend sounds tone deaf. I would definitely say something. She may be insecure about her choices but she shouldn’t be bragging about her free time - directly or indirectly.

I have a friend who was very upset about sickness ruining her weekend away with husband… but they go away together 3-4x a year because she has local family. Meanwhile my husband and I have had one night away in ten years lolsob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the first two PPs. They're weird.

Your friend is very tone deaf. It's almost like she's still trying to justify her newfound life balance by over gushing about it. It's not pleasant to be on the receiving end of it when you don't have the choice.

I'd pull back. If you really care about her, tell her that while you're happy for her, she needs to read the room and know her audience.

I agree, the first two responses are kinda off.

I think this friend is VERY tone deaf to be gloating like she is while at the same time knowing that you are in the situation that you are in.

It could be that she is just totally clueless here….??……but I think she is just bragging.

Either way, I would avoid her since her behavior is clearly insensitive as well as insulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. On top of everything else, you are expected to give your friend grace and understand things from her perspective when she clearly can't be bothered to take two seconds to consider your point of view before sending tone-deaf texts. It's exhausting. I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time she's been so self-absorbed.

Do you care about this person? Do you want to stay friends? If so, do what the PPs said. If not, I'd just stop responding to her texts. Maybe she'll get the hint or maybe the friendship dies. It seems like your lives are going in different directions now anyway. The older I get, the less tolerance and energy I have for friends who make everything about them with little regard for others.

+1

The one sidedness gets old quick. It is nice to be able to get a word in, or be able to express happiness about your own kids. I can be your cheerleader, but not the entire time.

[Anonymous]

She's lonely, bored and tone deaf. I have been a long-time SAHM and I found that just getting a low-key part-time (but regular) job helped so much. At first I bristled at the idea because the pay was so bad and we don't need the money but my husband said "just try it you can quit if you don't like it." And he was right. I like it, I like the little bit of added structure to my week, still have plenty of time for errands/chores/family, have "work" friends and just have a level of life perspective that I had lost having been non-working (for pay) for 12 years.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is SO RUDE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is SO RUDE.

Me again. I stay home, BTW. I never rub it in my hardworking friends' faces.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a lot of issues to unpack in your OP. It's not just your friend being a bit tone deaf (staying home is not always necessary) but you being unable to genuinely happy for her because of your own baggage due to your choices. In fact, it doesn't sound like either of you are totally supportive of the choices that have been made and that's a death knell for a friendship.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. I think she is just kind of clueless. I work from home and she doesn’t work at all. She asks if I can run to her house to let her dog out or if I want to walk at 2pm. I politely decline the walk but when it comes to the dog I mention I need to check my schedule but usually end up helping her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in an extraordinarily high-stress period at work. I love what I do, but ... it's just a lot, and sometimes I really feel at the end of my rope. Moreover, I do need to work. We couldn't get by on one income alone.
I have a friend who lives nearby who texts both myself and another pal about how leisurely and better-balanced her life is now that she quit her job and does volunteer work at an art gallery (think Charlotte York from SATC but more earthy crunchy). She is a lovely person, but she's often texting photos of her book from the cafe she's at or flowers from a walk - which I'm seeing at the end of a long day staring at a screen, and I can't help but feel...bitter or something.
She has said over drinks that she had no choice but to stop working after she found herself snapping at her kids too much. I mean, OK, but...a lot of people have to work and snap at their kids and just suck it up, or still work and try not to snap...it's just sort of this blind spot. And now it's getting bad because the other friend is side-texting me about how out of touch she is. I think it's beginning to kind of erode our friendship. She'll text asking to meet for lunch and we can't (we do work from home so maybe it's reasonable she thinks we can steal off but it's not easy)...things like that. It's just like this weird GAP. And she talks about staying home and how NECESSARY it is... a lot. It's hard not to feel kind of odd about it all, like...not everyone can do this?? Ugh Sorry I am just ... venting here.

Problem isn't her, its you. You do you without comparing your life with hers. Be happy for her and try to improve your balance.

[Anonymous]

Do you resent her situation absent the tone deaf texts? I stopped working, and I had a friend who managed to make me feel badly about it whenever she got an opportunity. She’d make comments like “real grown ups have jobs” etc. We’re not friends anymore. It’s absolutely tone deaf for your friend to rub it in your face, but your inability to just feel happy for her also suggests you don’t feel you’re able to make choices that maximize your own happiness. And that’s ok and it may be a reason your friendship doesn’t last. But I don’t think the biggest issue here is her texts.

[Anonymous]

Eh I think it’s ok to have a little
Jealously. Like why is that the worst thing in the world. I bet everyone on this thread has been jealous of a friend before. The point is you don’t need it rubbed in your face when you’re having a difficult period with work. You can say something gently or mute the text thread and stop responding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must have young kids. The tables will turn when your kids are in middle and high school and she's aimless, bored, intellectually stunted and having existential crises.

+1. Pretty much every study out there has documented that women who work have better mental health and physical outcomes than those who don't.