Am I to blame?
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Anonymous
| My mom has an avoidance of doctors and medical care (also to my detriment when I was a kid). She left high cholesterol and blood pressure undiagnosed and untreated for decades (she is thin, no diabetes etc so maybe didn’t think of it). She never did an annual until she was 73 and my sister and I literally forced her, yelled at her, for months. Then no property follow up, and now had a stroke, discovered in an MRI which I was able to force her to take. Vascular dementia after I literally dragged her to the neurologist. So now I wonder: am I to blame, do I bear the guilt of not having yelled, forced, dragged before? I tried to make her go since 2019, but wasn’t that forceful about it (only somewhat but not enough, apparently). So now I wonder if I am guilty of neglecting her or if it was her individual decision that was to be respected? My sister is of the latter opinion but in light of this, I think she’s questioning herself a bit. |
Anonymous
You cannot force anything to do anything. All you can do is express concern and not enable. She made these decisions of sound mind and is not facing consequences. I have a sibling who doesn't take care of her health. Every minor thing turns into something major. We expressed our concern and pushed and it got to the point I think she was addicted to the dramatics and attention. She has burned through so many family members and friends who tried to help her recover from surgeries, etc and had nothing left to give when the next ignored issue exploded. Everyone has pulled away and made it clear she needs to take charge of her health. This is not blaming the victim. This is forcing her to stop playing the victim. Even her doctors of made it clear just about everything could have minor with prevention. We're not talking about something complicated not losing enough weight where there are genetic components and chemicals in the environment and other things at play. We are talking about things like refusing a minor procedure and 8 years later it's a dangerous major surgery and she expects people to upend their lives to be there for her. |
Anonymous
I feel like I could have made the appointment and made her go with me. Now she does it when I make the appointment. But 10 years ago l, when the changes must have surely been occurring and compounding damage started, she probably would have yelled at me that I should leave her alone and not gone. Even as late as 2019, she refused to do a regular check up. She could have had 5 additional good years, maybe more? |
Anonymous
| Not to blame. Let it go. She’s an adult and it’s her body. |
Anonymous
5 more years of crap years? Not worth it. |
Anonymous
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You are not to blame OP.
You cannot force another adult to do what you think is best - whether they're your child, spouse, parent, friend, etc... It sucks when you know they are not taking good care of themselves, but it's critical to remember that they are independent adults. (Until they're not, of course...) With my mother, I decided I had to take comfort in knowing that she had the dignity of independence and decision-making right up until the end - even though I strongly disagreed w/ many of the choices she made in her final months. In the end, she lived the way she chose - so I take comfort in supporting her ability to do that. Good luck. It's a long hard path but it's critical that you try to spare yourself the guilt wherever/whenever possible. |
Anonymous
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So sorry OP. Very similar story as my mother. Total denial also by my father who passed this year in horrible circumstances.
There is nothing I could have done better with the information I knew at the time. What do you think would have changed if you theoretically had taken/forced her to a doctor sooner? Sorry to say but most likely she'd still have a stroke anyway. My mother was under several doctor's care and still had (we believe) a stroke but are getting the MRI soon. |
Anonymous
She was completely unaware of high cholesterol (no risk factors, so probably genetic), which led to high BP. A series of bad things happened because of that. Vascular dementia, and then stroke. If she had taken medication to lower her high cholesterol (her lifestyle was very healthy), I don’t think any of this would have happened, at least not so soon. |
Anonymous
| No, not your fault. |
Anonymous
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OP you are not to blame. I'm in a similar situation. Mom has lived here for decades but is from another country and has never been on board with the American way of medicine.
She doesn't believe in preventive medicine. She fights tooth and nail against testing, medication, etc. Where she comes from, there aren't long hospital stays and lots of interventions. People get sick and pass away and you don't really know why. I used to think a proactive approach was the right thing. But my father was always on top of his medical care. His outcomes are worse. I can't say he is doing better because he aggressively treated high cholesterol, etc. At some point, most of our seniors will face a health crisis. It's not your fault when it happens. You cannot stop death and disease, especially something like vascular dementia. Take care of yourself, it sounds like you took the best care of her you could while also respecting her wishes. If we spend all our time arguing with our parents, we can't enjoy the time we have left with them. |
Anonymous
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Op, you know the answer. The answer is: NO.
You or Sister, or anyone, is not responsible. Accept that your Mom did -some- things well, others not. Your Mom did some things as you would do, others not. |
Anonymous
| Of course you're not to blame. You cannot make an adult do something they don't want to do, even with yelling, cajoling, etc. My DH is like your mom. Refuses to go to doctors and dentists. There's nothing I can do about it. I focus on taking good care of myself because I am the only person whose behavior I can control. Luckily we have great retirement income and life insurance. |
Anonymous
| Don’t blame yourself, OP. You can’t force a grown human being to do anything. A lot of us are in the same boat as you with elderly parents who are dealing with ailments they have due to not taking care of themselves. I moved my mom closer in 2022 and got her set up with my primary care doctor, a neurologist, a cardiologist, an ophthalmologist and a dentist, none of which she’s done for herself. And I made those appointments for her. Guess what- in 2022 at the age of 80(!) she had her teeth cleaned for the first time. I know it sucks picking up the pieces but you have no blame here. Oh and my mom also has vascular dementia and has had a stroke in the past. I’m pretty sure that would have been her outcome even in the best circumstances. |
Anonymous
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She's in or almost in her mid-70's. I realize that people don't register that as old anymore, but that's old.
My dad has high cholesterol and has since his mid-70's. Nothing he has done has changed it - diet, exercise, medicine. He's now 82, has always been thin, and is still in good shape. My mom is 81 and has also always been thin and in good shape, but has high BP and takes medication to manage it. she had to go to the ER a week or so ago because she was dizzy and sick and had stroke level BP. My point is that your mom could have done things right and still ended up where she is right now. |
Anonymous
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Not only are you not to blame, but you are not responsible for any incurred long-term care costs. |