My Mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer

[Anonymous]

It’s very early in the process - we don’t even know what stage it is yet, but I’m so scared and I’m keeping it a secret from most people and my kids. I don’t know what to do or how to help. I live nearby. My parents are from the generation that isn’t open about any kind of medical issues - they are downright secretive about their health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very early in the process - we don’t even know what stage it is yet, but I’m so scared and I’m keeping it a secret from most people and my kids. I don’t know what to do or how to help. I live nearby. My parents are from the generation that isn’t open about any kind of medical issues - they are downright secretive about their health issues.

I am very sorry about your mom's diagnosis and I hope it's treatable and she is able to recover.

There is not a whole generation that is secretive about health issues, it's an individual thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Please consider joining a cancer support group. Talking with people who have been there will help you get informed and feel supported. Your mom's hospital may have groups. (They might also have someone called a "cancer care navigator" who might be able to walk you through resources and what to expect.)

Here's some info on finding groups. https://www.komen.org/support-resources/support/support-groups/

If joining a group seems like too much, there are online forums dedicated to breast cancer.

Sending good wishes to you and your mom.

[Anonymous]

Wow me too op, just a few weeks ago. She had surgery this week. We are waiting to find out next steps. Thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, take it one day at a time.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It’s good they caught it early. Wishing her health and you strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. It’s good they caught it early. Wishing her health and you strength.

I don’t think it’s early unfortunately. She is almost 80 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow me too op, just a few weeks ago. She had surgery this week. We are waiting to find out next steps. Thinking of you.

What stage?

[Anonymous]

How do I tell my kids??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. It’s good they caught it early. Wishing her health and you strength.

I don’t think it’s early unfortunately. She is almost 80 years old.

Oh goodness I am sorry. Has she shared whether she is opting for treatment or simply palliative care?

There is no rulebook. She needs to be the one to decide what is helpful to her and what isn't. You could present her with choices of things you would like to do to be helpful. My mother is the same age and I disagree it's generational to hide. In fact, my mother and my MIL would have minor things like a non-melanoma skin cancer and hype it up and expect is to hear every single detail and come cater to them.

How old are your kids? What and how you tell them depends on ages and personalities, but it helps for you be able to be calm as you tell them. It also might help to know stage and her choice of treating vs letting things run their course with pain management. I would focus some on how fortunate she is to have lived a long and rich life so far and how fortunate "we" as a family are to be able to have enjoyed so much time with her. Whatever her choice is I would emphasize respecting her wishes. You can also come up with them for some things you all can do to show your love-varying by age...make cards or buy cards, making some meals, visiting and planting her favorite fall flowers in the garden or whatever-very individual, but it helps them feel like they are doing something to make her feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I tell my kids??

It depends how old they are. The social worker at the cancer center can help. This is good info too:

https://www.cancervic.org.au/cancer-information/children-teens-and-young-adults/talking-to-kids-about-cancer/overview.html

My mom had breast cancer in her fifties and is doing well now almost a decade later. Hope your mom does well too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. It’s good they caught it early. Wishing her health and you strength.

I don’t think it’s early unfortunately. She is almost 80 years old.

A possible silver lining is that, at her age, most breast cancer tumors tend to be of the slow/slower-growing kind. Let's hope that hers is treatable and survivable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I tell my kids??

You do the best you can. You sit them down when it’s quiet and you give them an age-appropriate and truthful version of the diagnosis and prognosis.

Young kids may not need more than “grandma’s sick.” Teens will likely want and need more information. Remember that kids with Internet access will research this on their own, so being up front and honest will increase the chances that they’ll come back to you with questions.

I’ve done this twice with my kids, OP, for a family member with a Stage IV diagnosis. I wish your mom the best.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all for the replies. We don’t know what stage it is yet - she is having some scans next week to determine that. I don’t want to share anything with my kids until we know more because I know they will have questions.

[Anonymous]

Most breast cancers are treatable these days. I very much hope that is the case for your mom.

I’ve been through multiple lumpectomies and radiation, and supported my sister through a mastectomy and radiation as well. It’s not a great experience, but for many people who get the diagnosis, it’s just a bad time to get through and it’s not the worst case scenario.

Breastcancer.org is a good site. I found their community forums helpful when I was in the thick of things. Best wishes to your mom and the rest of your family.