at a loss for logical punishment ideas

[Anonymous]

DS, 9, had extreme meltdown behavior issues as a smaller child. they seem to have gotten much better generally over the past two years or so.

Tonight he threw a pillow hard directly at my face when I told him to turn off the TV and go read a book. I sent him to his room for two hours in response. He chanted at me "I hope you die. Mama is stupid I hate Mama" a number of times.

His little brother followed suit with the chanting. I sent them both to their rooms, the older one for two hours.

The 9 yr old will frequently say horrible things to his little brother, calling him stupid, etc etc. I don't even know where to begin with a logical appropriate punishment for this behavior. We obviously tell him to knock it off, will send him to his room for 10 minutes to cool off until he can apologize. This is not cutting it and I know I need to chart a new course.

Please help me come up with logical consequences, I'm at a loss.

[Anonymous]

Punishment or consequences won't fix this. He needs major therapy before he shoots you or a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Therapy was a game-changer for my DC with anger management issues. Please look into it for your DS. It will be beneficial to everyone in your family.

[Anonymous]

Did you come and tell him to turn off the tv because you were angry about something and took it out on him? Like was he in the middle of an exciting part of his favorite show and you barged in without warning, or did he know he had 30 min as part of a routine and you reminded him of it? (and with boys - he's had a 5 min and 1 min verbal reminder with confirmation that he's heard you?) Because if the first, it's a power struggle and he did what was in his power to get back at you for feeling helpless. If second and was still his reaction - you need better routines.

[Anonymous]

My kid has technotantrums - anything involving electronics is 10 times worse than any other tantrum.

[Anonymous]

"Knock it off" is what you say to a kid who wrestles their sibling or says dinner is gross. Your kid is way beyond "knock it off," and I also recommend that you seek out anger management counseling for him.

[Anonymous]

His behavior is trying to communicate something to you. Right now, you need to focus on understanding what it is driving the behavior? Is he bored? Is he tired? Does he lack impulse control? Is he upset about something going on in his life and taking it out on you? Has he never been told no? What is his behavior trying to tell you?

Once you figure that out, then you need to teach the skills that are lacking. Help him understand what are acceptable ways to act when he is experiencing whatever drove the behavior. Focus on teaching before you go to punishment. Consequences are only helpful if the child knows the rules and has the skills to manage the situation.

That behavior screams that he trying to tell you something. Wait until things are calm to ask questions and get his understanding of how he was feeling and why he did it. Then you can talk and teach what he should do the next time he experiences those feelings.

[Anonymous]

You did not address any of the issues, OP, so obviously he's going to do it again. This child needs to understand WHY he's not supposed to do this, HOW to process aggressive feelings, and then he needs to PRACTICE how to pick alternative options and follow through. It's really hard work. Sending him to his room is just washing your hands of him, which is not a recipe for success.

You need to sit him down when he's calm, and go through the theory. Get his buy-in. Practice imaginary scenarios. Then when he's about to have a tantrum, you coach him through an alternative. It won't work for the big crises but it might for the little ones.

Also, he quite likely has ADHD and needs medication for it. It's hard to control impulsivity when your brain shoots off abnormal levels of neurotransmitters. It's easier when a medication delivers a chemical aid so you can focus just enough to listen and learn.

[Anonymous]

OP here. There are no issues like this with him at school, to the helpful poster who suggested he is on the verge of shooting a teacher.

They get home from camp this week at 230pm. I work until 4pm (DH picks them up and brings them home where they proceed to watch 1.5 hours of TV until I get home while he finishes his work).

When I get home, I generally let them watch another 20 mins of TV and then tell them it's time to do something else. So I did not turn off the TV in anger, but rather because after nearly 2 hours of watching memes on YouTube, it is time for something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His behavior is trying to communicate something to you. Right now, you need to focus on understanding what it is driving the behavior? Is he bored? Is he tired? Does he lack impulse control? Is he upset about something going on in his life and taking it out on you? Has he never been told no? What is his behavior trying to tell you?

Once you figure that out, then you need to teach the skills that are lacking. Help him understand what are acceptable ways to act when he is experiencing whatever drove the behavior. Focus on teaching before you go to punishment. Consequences are only helpful if the child knows the rules and has the skills to manage the situation.

That behavior screams that he trying to tell you something. Wait until things are calm to ask questions and get his understanding of how he was feeling and why he did it. Then you can talk and teach what he should do the next time he experiences those feelings.

+2
Just about to write this ^^

Your approach is all wrong Op.

And you're not dealing with the triggers that cause his behavior.

Also, his hate-talk ("I hope you die"/I hate you") isn't personal. It's the tip of the iceberg in his huge bubble of emotion that's about to pop.
Think about it, do you literally mean it when you say say swear words or go off on a mean tirade? No. And neither does your kid.

It's just in that heat of the moment he's struggling to find something to say a release, a "justification", a way to handle this overwhelming anger and injustice (injustice to him)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Punishment or consequences won't fix this. He needs major therapy before he shoots you or a teacher.

NP. This is absurd. He doesn't have anger management issues and is not a future shooter.

He has impulse control issues - and he doesn't mean what he's saying. OP has rightly not taken it seriously.

FWIW, at 9, I would continue as you are doing. When our DC is impulse control issues was 10, I gave DS one warning and then started putting a $1 bill in a "bad language" or "inappropriate language" jar in the kitchen. At the end of the month, he got the money back and could start over. This taught him to pay more attention to his words, when he was upset or angry. With a few months, his language was 100% improved.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with all the folks saying I need to get to bottom of what is driving the behavior, then teach the skills that are lacking.

What do I do in the instant when something like this happens though? Some of you are saying not right to send him to his room -- I am truly at a loss for what the immediate reaction from me should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did not address any of the issues, OP, so obviously he's going to do it again. This child needs to understand WHY he's not supposed to do this, HOW to process aggressive feelings, and then he needs to PRACTICE how to pick alternative options and follow through. It's really hard work. Sending him to his room is just washing your hands of him, which is not a recipe for success.

You need to sit him down when he's calm, and go through the theory. Get his buy-in. Practice imaginary scenarios. Then when he's about to have a tantrum, you coach him through an alternative. It won't work for the big crises but it might for the little ones.

Also, he quite likely has ADHD and needs medication for it. It's hard to control impulsivity when your brain shoots off abnormal levels of neurotransmitters. It's easier when a medication delivers a chemical aid so you can focus just enough to listen and learn.

This is quite intensive - and kids really can figure all this out. But some of them (especially kids with ADHD who are a couple years delayed in maturity level) take longer than others. I don't think that this micro-managing is necessary or helpful, but opinions differ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally agree with all the folks saying I need to get to bottom of what is driving the behavior, then teach the skills that are lacking.

What do I do in the instant when something like this happens though? Some of you are saying not right to send him to his room -- I am truly at a loss for what the immediate reaction from me should be.

Maturity is the skill that is lacking. And time is the teacher for that. The best and only teacher.

[Anonymous]

also fwiw he swears up and down he did not mean to throw a pillow in my face, and was aiming for the hallway, not me. I do not believe him at all, even though he is a generally trustworthy kid.