at a loss for logical punishment ideas

[Anonymous]

By sending him to his room while you are saying is you can't handle his emotions and what he is feeling is wrong....
You need to help him feel but he is feeling but in healthy ways. This is best to do when he is calm.
I would start by saying you are really upset when I ask you to turn off the TV. Let's talk about that. A discussion about how it is never okay to throw things at people.... And while words may not physically hurt someone. They can hurt people very badly and you can never take them back. Come up with some phrases he can use to let him blow off some steam.

When he is upset and doing that you can say I see you are feeling some very big feelings. Let's talk about it. Or when you're voice is as calm as mine and you can sit on the couch. We can discuss what you are feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His behavior is trying to communicate something to you. Right now, you need to focus on understanding what it is driving the behavior? Is he bored? Is he tired? Does he lack impulse control? Is he upset about something going on in his life and taking it out on you? Has he never been told no? What is his behavior trying to tell you?

Once you figure that out, then you need to teach the skills that are lacking. Help him understand what are acceptable ways to act when he is experiencing whatever drove the behavior. Focus on teaching before you go to punishment. Consequences are only helpful if the child knows the rules and has the skills to manage the situation.

That behavior screams that he trying to tell you something. Wait until things are calm to ask questions and get his understanding of how he was feeling and why he did it. Then you can talk and teach what he should do the next time he experiences those feelings.

+2
Just about to write this ^^

Your approach is all wrong Op.

And you're not dealing with the triggers that cause his behavior.

Also, his hate-talk ("I hope you die"/I hate you") isn't personal. It's the tip of the iceberg in his huge bubble of emotion that's about to pop.
Think about it, do you literally mean it when you say say swear words or go off on a mean tirade? No. And neither does your kid.

It's just in that heat of the moment he's struggling to find something to say a release, a "justification", a way to handle this overwhelming anger and injustice (injustice to him)

None of this is normal behavior and stop telling OP she handled it wrong because she didn't ask his feelings about get off the electronics. There is something deeper going on with the child and you need to speak to either your pediatrician or therapist. I've never heard a "neutro typical" child berate their parent and tell them to die for being frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not anti-screen time, but that is way too much screen time.

+1 I get the challenge of two working parents and filling the time after camp because I live it. But parking the kids in front of the tv for two + hours isn't helping and seems to be linked to this.

Honestly all our consequences involve limiting screen time because that's the one thing they really want. Hit them where it hurts - metaphorically - to realize you are not messing around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tend to turn the TV off and ignore the protest. I would expect to spend some time with the kids when the work day is over. Maybe sit down and plan an activity for every afternoon. Monday 20 min bike ride. Tuesday legos. Wednesday card game. They do not have to be long but unless the kid is really into reading...sending him off to read feels like homework.

The dad is working for 2.5 hrs until Op comes home. Then she needs them to watch 20 min more to buy her time to transition from work to home.


Everyone is saying limit screen time, but Op and her Dh are using TV to "babysit" the kids for the remainder of the work day.

Can your dh pivot the marathon TV session and bring out the legos, magnatiles, puzzles, whatever independent play stuff you have?

[Anonymous]

can you take youtube off the tv option to start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tend to turn the TV off and ignore the protest. I would expect to spend some time with the kids when the work day is over. Maybe sit down and plan an activity for every afternoon. Monday 20 min bike ride. Tuesday legos. Wednesday card game. They do not have to be long but unless the kid is really into reading...sending him off to read feels like homework.

The dad is working for 2.5 hrs until Op comes home. Then she needs them to watch 20 min more to buy her time to transition from work to home.


Everyone is saying limit screen time, but Op and her Dh are using TV to "babysit" the kids for the remainder of the work day.

Can your dh pivot the marathon TV session and bring out the legos, magnatiles, puzzles, whatever independent play stuff you have?

Or hire a sitter?

[Anonymous]

My kid loses her sh** when asked to turn off electronics. It doesn't matter how many warnings she gets, timers, etc. It seems the trigger here is the screens. So the logical consequence is no screen for the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His behavior is trying to communicate something to you. Right now, you need to focus on understanding what it is driving the behavior? Is he bored? Is he tired? Does he lack impulse control? Is he upset about something going on in his life and taking it out on you? Has he never been told no? What is his behavior trying to tell you?

Once you figure that out, then you need to teach the skills that are lacking. Help him understand what are acceptable ways to act when he is experiencing whatever drove the behavior. Focus on teaching before you go to punishment. Consequences are only helpful if the child knows the rules and has the skills to manage the situation.

That behavior screams that he trying to tell you something. Wait until things are calm to ask questions and get his understanding of how he was feeling and why he did it. Then you can talk and teach what he should do the next time he experiences those feelings.

+2
Just about to write this ^^

Your approach is all wrong Op.

And you're not dealing with the triggers that cause his behavior.

Also, his hate-talk ("I hope you die"/I hate you") isn't personal. It's the tip of the iceberg in his huge bubble of emotion that's about to pop.
Think about it, do you literally mean it when you say say swear words or go off on a mean tirade? No. And neither does your kid.

It's just in that heat of the moment he's struggling to find something to say a release, a "justification", a way to handle this overwhelming anger and injustice (injustice to him)

None of this is normal behavior and stop telling OP she handled it wrong because she didn't ask his feelings about get off the electronics. There is something deeper going on with the child and you need to speak to either your pediatrician or therapist. I've never heard a "neutro typical" child berate their parent and tell them to die for being frustrated.

The kids are probably learning this stuff from youtube. The internet is trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS, 9, had extreme meltdown behavior issues as a smaller child. they seem to have gotten much better generally over the past two years or so.

Tonight he threw a pillow hard directly at my face when I told him to turn off the TV and go read a book. I sent him to his room for two hours in response. He chanted at me "I hope you die. Mama is stupid I hate Mama" a number of times.

His little brother followed suit with the chanting. I sent them both to their rooms, the older one for two hours.

The 9 yr old will frequently say horrible things to his little brother, calling him stupid, etc etc. I don't even know where to begin with a logical appropriate punishment for this behavior. We obviously tell him to knock it off, will send him to his room for 10 minutes to cool off until he can apologize. This is not cutting it and I know I need to chart a new course.

Please help me come up with logical consequences, I'm at a loss.

If my son said this to his mother, he'd be getting some quality time with me and my belt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not anti-screen time, but that is way too much screen time.

+1 I get the challenge of two working parents and filling the time after camp because I live it. But parking the kids in front of the tv for two + hours isn't helping and seems to be linked to this.

Honestly all our consequences involve limiting screen time because that's the one thing they really want. Hit them where it hurts - metaphorically - to realize you are not messing around.

Yes, this. Limit screen time. Children old enough to go to camp and school are old enough to play at home or in the yard for two hours without screens.

Set up rules for the time when DH is working e.g. “indoor voices,” no coming into his office unless it’s an emergency. Have the kids help you make a “menu” of free time activities—reading, Lego, board games, drawing, activity books, etc. Only allow screens for limited periods of time. Two hours is too much and with definitely trigger the technology withdrawal tantrums. When you switch your after-camp free time policies, be sure to explain why: “You two couldn’t handle free choice time on screens.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid loses her sh** when asked to turn off electronics. It doesn't matter how many warnings she gets, timers, etc. It seems the trigger here is the screens. So the logical consequence is no screen for the next day.

+1 all the feelings stuff seems like drivel to me. The kid is NINE. Even if he his neuroatypical (one of my kids is significantly impacted 6 year old with adhd and autism), if he’s fine at school he has the requisite impulse control to not throw things/berate mom. Not super complicated concepts here.
Op- take screens away from him for this behavior. Set up younger brother in different room with screen time if you need babysitter (no judgment, I do it too), and tell 9 year old he has to do something else for a while week. 9 year olds don’t really need a babysitter and they are not entitled to screen time.