If you chase after relatives who don’t want to engage—why?

[Anonymous]

Both in my family and my husband’s family, there are a few extroverted relatives who seriously chase down people who are giving off tons of social cues that they either don’t want to be engaged, or they want to extricate themselves after a few minutes of conversation. As a rather midddle-of-the-road personality, I understand both the extroverts’ desire to connect, and the introverts’ desire to enjoy some quiet time (we’re talking all-day family visits or overnight visits, not just, say, a 2-hour dinner.) I also understand that introverts may prefer 1:1 conversation with a favorite cousin or aunt or uncle, or a sibling, but they wouldn’t enjoy a big group conversation with lots of questions being fired at them.

My question to the extroverts/types who chase people down is: why? If someone is putting out signals that they don’t want to talk, or want a conversation to end, or don’t want tons of questions, why do you pursue them? Why don’t you leave them alone? I say hello to people and if they don’t seem to want to talk, I keep it moving. What is the point of chasing after people? It reminds me of kids who chase the cat under the couch, still trying to pet it—most adults know if you wait and give the cat space, it will come to you. Why are you chasing after the cats?

[Anonymous]

In my case, because they send off mixed signals.

If I invite them to our home as a part of a big family gathering, they act like they’re burdened by the request and would rather be anywhere else. If we don’t invite them, they become martyrs and make pointed remarks about why they’re not invited.

(And for everything 5 times I extend an invitation, they extend once.)

Hard to figure them out but they are not my side of the family so mainly I ignore their behavior for my sanity.

Another reason to keep engaging is because my kids love them. That reason alone trumps everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case, because they send off mixed signals.

If I invite them to our home as a part of a big family gathering, they act like they’re burdened by the request and would rather be anywhere else. If we don’t invite them, they become martyrs and make pointed remarks about why they’re not invited.

(And for everything 5 times I extend an invitation, they extend once.)

Hard to figure them out but they are not my side of the family so mainly I ignore their behavior for my sanity.

Another reason to keep engaging is because my kids love them. That reason alone trumps everything else.

That’s not an answer to the question. The question is not “why do you invite them,” the question is about if they clearly don’t want to talk or don’t want the conversation to go further, why are you pursuing?

If you invite them and they come over and act stand-offish, why aren’t you just shrugging and leaving them alone to talk to whomever they want to, or do whatever they want?

I get where you are coming from, but the scenario you are describing is not what I’m asking about here.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by “chase people down”? If people are, in your opinion, putting out signals they don’t want to talk, it seems there is a conversation happening, so it’s unclear to me what you mean?
At any rate, perhaps people do not recognize the signs the person doesn’t want to engage. Or perhaps you are misinterpreting these signs and are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they are trying to actually get to know the relatives, or being well meaning by including them in the conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are trying to actually get to know the relatives, or being well meaning by including them in the conversation?

I think making an attempt or two is well-meaning, but continuing when it is very clear someone doesn’t want to talk or doesn’t want to talk more is rude. I think that’s you saying “you’re going to act the way I want you to act.” I think it’s controlling.

I’m really curious about this after witnessing several relatives relentlessly go after a teenage cousin. It was to the point where they were basically making fun of how much he didn’t want to talk about school, etc. It was gross. I’m just wondering why people take it to that level. If someone doesn’t seem to want to talk to me, I leave them alone.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you’re actually seeing the answer. Extroverts generally can’t read the social cues of an introvert who doesn’t want to engage. They actually don’t even know what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you’re actually seeing the answer. Extroverts generally can’t read the social cues of an introvert who doesn’t want to engage. They actually don’t even know what you’re talking about.

That’s interesting, and I’m beginning to think you are right. And as someone somewhere in the middle of introvert and extrovert, I don’t understand—at all—how people can not pick up on those signals. I’ve been thinking all along they see the signals but decide “I’m going to make you talk to me, I’m going to make you act how I think people should act at a gathering or on vacation.” I think you may be right, and they genuinely are clueless. That is helpful perspective. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

It’s interesting that you mention teens. I’ve got a 15 yo DS who is very reticent, will answer questions from relatives in monosyllables but he *wants* to be engaged. He actually really loves the relatives who keep trying with him long enough to get past his initial reticence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are trying to actually get to know the relatives, or being well meaning by including them in the conversation?

I think making an attempt or two is well-meaning, but continuing when it is very clear someone doesn’t want to talk or doesn’t want to talk more is rude. I think that’s you saying “you’re going to act the way I want you to act.” I think it’s controlling.

I’m really curious about this after witnessing several relatives relentlessly go after a teenage cousin. It was to the point where they were basically making fun of how much he didn’t want to talk about school, etc. It was gross. I’m just wondering why people take it to that level. If someone doesn’t seem to want to talk to me, I leave them alone.

Did you intervene? Why/why not?

[Anonymous]

If it were a grown up introvert, I would say it is bc they have no clue about social cues. Some people are just clueless - they just don’t see the non-verbal signals that we pick up on.

But since you say it is a teen, I think it is absolutely about control, about “teaching” them a lesson in social etiquette. They are being annoying & out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are trying to actually get to know the relatives, or being well meaning by including them in the conversation?

I think making an attempt or two is well-meaning, but continuing when it is very clear someone doesn’t want to talk or doesn’t want to talk more is rude. I think that’s you saying “you’re going to act the way I want you to act.” I think it’s controlling.

I’m really curious about this after witnessing several relatives relentlessly go after a teenage cousin. It was to the point where they were basically making fun of how much he didn’t want to talk about school, etc. It was gross. I’m just wondering why people take it to that level. If someone doesn’t seem to want to talk to me, I leave them alone.

Did you intervene? Why/why not?

OP here. Yes, I did, mostly by engaging the extroverts and leading them away and getting them on other topics. But once or twice I did say things like, “Oh, leave Kevin alone…he doesn’t want to talk to us old people!” Then starting a new conversation so Kevin had a chance to bolt.

[Anonymous]

They are socially clueless and think everyone must be exactly like them. The concept that someone might prefer peace and silence after a brief interaction is alien to them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they are genuinely interested and excited to see the relative and the relative doesn’t clearly communicate that they would rather not talk. Or maybe the extrovert is just trying to be polite.

[Anonymous]

I think it's all different reasons. In my family we have 2 who do this. One is not some highly social extrovert, but is attention seeking and always the victim. When those around her get sick of giving her praise and pity she needs new sources of this supply. You could have a spouse dying of cancer and she will still try to get you to feel sorry for her because she now has carpal tunnel.

Another in my family has rigid ideas about family and how we must be close.

In my husband's family there is so much cutoff and dysfunction I think 2 well meaning members are desperate to create warmth, but they will do really manipulative and borderline abusive things to force connection and closeness.