"Girl things" for boys - nail polish on a toddler boy

[Anonymous]

My son likes to paint his toe nails, probably because I (mom) do it and it's fun to do together, and colorful, and he's 3. He just asked one day, and we did it.

Today he asked me to take it off, so I did and said "ok, cool, do you want to leave it off or another color?" and he said a childcare person told him it was "only for girls." I told him that person is wrong and sometimes people are wrong and nail polish is for anyone who likes nail polish. Any advice on what to say to him to both make him confident in whatever he wants to do and feel OK ignoring childcare people in some instances (like this) but not in most others? I feel like we should talk about it, but also I don't want to give this idea credit by talking too much about it.

Secondarily, I generally love this childcare person and my kids also love her, I'm a little annoyed with her because obviously we knew we were OK with the nail polish, but then told him otherwise...

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't talk to him any more unless he bring it up, but I would definitely talk to the childcare provider if it's someone he will see again. Simply, "He enjoys it. Please don't tell him it's not appropriate."

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't want to do it, regardless of the rationale he gives, I wouldn't push him to keep doing this just because he used to say he enjoys it. Interests change a lot at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't talk to him any more unless he bring it up, but I would definitely talk to the childcare provider if it's someone he will see again. Simply, "He enjoys it. Please don't tell him it's not appropriate."

+1

[Anonymous]

At that age you can “test” it against your family values. “Is this unkind to anyone? Is this unsafe? Is this disrespectful?” Etc. And when you discover together that it doesn’t conflict with your values, then that makes it ok. You probably want him to heed this caretaker about staying out of the street, and putting away toys, but those things are about safety and respect.

I think you could also say that girls and women typically use nail polish more than boys and men, and some people believe that it should only be for girls, but your family believes that girls and boys should be treated the same.

[Anonymous]

You need to ask yourself why you really want to have your toddler boy show off painted nails outside the home. Signaling that you are progressive is not a good reason.

You should of course tell the child care provider that she is out of place for wiping the polish off and telling him it's only for girls. That's not her place at all, I agree. That's your place. You should cut back on this activity until he is old enough to choose for himself whether he wants to challenge social norms and be an accessory to your need to signal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask yourself why you really want to have your toddler boy show off painted nails outside the home. Signaling that you are progressive is not a good reason.

You should of course tell the child care provider that she is out of place for wiping the polish off and telling him it's only for girls. That's not her place at all, I agree. That's your place. You should cut back on this activity until he is old enough to choose for himself whether he wants to challenge social norms and be an accessory to your need to signal.

There are some good points here, although the tone is a bit accusatory. But it's true that the child has every right to care about his appearance and reputation, and to try to encourage him to defy social norms (even if those norms are silly) regarding nail polish outside the home when he is clearly uncomfortable with how people react to it (including other children, I'd guess -- if they haven't said anything yet, they eventually will) will come across to many like it's more about how important non-conformity is to you than about the child's interests. When he is older and better understands the norms that exist he can draw his own conclusions about whether he thinks the norms matter and are worth following, and you can help him with conversations sharing your views on the topic but also let him know other people have different views. He is only 3 right now so it's not worth him suffering over what is to you a matter of principle, but you can help him to think through his own views and values regarding this when his brain is more developed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son likes to paint his toe nails, probably because I (mom) do it and it's fun to do together, and colorful, and he's 3. He just asked one day, and we did it.

Today he asked me to take it off, so I did and said "ok, cool, do you want to leave it off or another color?" and he said a childcare person told him it was "only for girls." I told him that person is wrong and sometimes people are wrong and nail polish is for anyone who likes nail polish. Any advice on what to say to him to both make him confident in whatever he wants to do and feel OK ignoring childcare people in some instances (like this) but not in most others? I feel like we should talk about it, but also I don't want to give this idea credit by talking too much about it.

Secondarily, I generally love this childcare person and my kids also love her, I'm a little annoyed with her because obviously we knew we were OK with the nail polish, but then told him otherwise...

At least in this situation, she’s a better caregiver than you.

Stop trying to encourage your boy to look like a girl. Let him be a boy.

Are you single parenting?

I don't wear nail polish. Am I not a woman? Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the trolls op. I'm sorry this happened. I would just look for opportunities, over time, where you can explain that some people believe certain things are for girls and certain things are for boys, but that isn't true. You can be really specific like that - it really helps to learn from this young age because then as they encounter these assumptions, they have some basis to understand that some people think that, but their parents don't believe it to be true. Sometimes for example when we're doing something that is typically girl, that he wants to do, I will say you know some people think that only girls like x, but we know that's not true etc etc. I just sprinkle it in. Keep sharing your family values, teaching when there are opportunities that women have been treated differently than men in the past, etc. etc. They can handle these truths and over time, he will start to get it.

My 5 year old just picked a pink backpack for kindergarten and I did a little prep with him, there may be a kid or adult who might tell you that your backpack is for girls, what would you say? He immediately said "I would just tell them - that's not true. Pink is my favorite color and I'm a boy." That comes from a few years of these conversations, now he is very confident and clearly didn't even need my prep but I just didn't want him to be surprised or question himself in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son likes to paint his toe nails, probably because I (mom) do it and it's fun to do together, and colorful, and he's 3. He just asked one day, and we did it.

Today he asked me to take it off, so I did and said "ok, cool, do you want to leave it off or another color?" and he said a childcare person told him it was "only for girls." I told him that person is wrong and sometimes people are wrong and nail polish is for anyone who likes nail polish. Any advice on what to say to him to both make him confident in whatever he wants to do and feel OK ignoring childcare people in some instances (like this) but not in most others? I feel like we should talk about it, but also I don't want to give this idea credit by talking too much about it.

Secondarily, I generally love this childcare person and my kids also love her, I'm a little annoyed with her because obviously we knew we were OK with the nail polish, but then told him otherwise...

At least in this situation, she’s a better caregiver than you.

Stop trying to encourage your boy to look like a girl. Let him be a boy.

Are you single parenting?

I don't wear nail polish. Am I not a woman? Good grief.

Good grief, no one cares about your nails.

[Anonymous]

NP and I don't see how earlier posters were trolls. It really is a question of both teaching your child that most things aren't "girl" or "boy" but helping them come to see that many people in society do feel that way and they'll have to decide how they feel in that context.

We have good friends whose son loves glittery nail polish but he eventually decided just to put it on his toes because in K and 1st grade he got made fun of and at least this way it was hidden by his sneakers. More power to you that your son is confident enough to want a pink backpack, but are you prepared to support him if in October he realizes that he isn't yet strong enough to stand up to the societal norms and instead wants a Spiderman backpack?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son likes to paint his toe nails, probably because I (mom) do it and it's fun to do together, and colorful, and he's 3. He just asked one day, and we did it.

Today he asked me to take it off, so I did and said "ok, cool, do you want to leave it off or another color?" and he said a childcare person told him it was "only for girls." I told him that person is wrong and sometimes people are wrong and nail polish is for anyone who likes nail polish. Any advice on what to say to him to both make him confident in whatever he wants to do and feel OK ignoring childcare people in some instances (like this) but not in most others? I feel like we should talk about it, but also I don't want to give this idea credit by talking too much about it.

Secondarily, I generally love this childcare person and my kids also love her, I'm a little annoyed with her because obviously we knew we were OK with the nail polish, but then told him otherwise...

At least in this situation, she’s a better caregiver than you.

Stop trying to encourage your boy to look like a girl. Let him be a boy.

Are you single parenting?

I don't wear nail polish. Am I not a woman? Good grief.

Good grief, no one cares about your nails.

Way to miss my point. And I don't care about your opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask yourself why you really want to have your toddler boy show off painted nails outside the home. Signaling that you are progressive is not a good reason.

You should of course tell the child care provider that she is out of place for wiping the polish off and telling him it's only for girls. That's not her place at all, I agree. That's your place. You should cut back on this activity until he is old enough to choose for himself whether he wants to challenge social norms and be an accessory to your need to signal.

My toddler never came up with this idea. Ever. To be fair, I also never made it a point to ask if he'd like painted toes like me or [girl] neighbor friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask yourself why you really want to have your toddler boy show off painted nails outside the home. Signaling that you are progressive is not a good reason.

You should of course tell the child care provider that she is out of place for wiping the polish off and telling him it's only for girls. That's not her place at all, I agree. That's your place. You should cut back on this activity until he is old enough to choose for himself whether he wants to challenge social norms and be an accessory to your need to signal.

Hes only challenging social norms if he knows about them. At 3, he doesnt know about them. He just likes what he likes. Some of this may be a mimicking behavior but some of it is just thinking it looks cool. If he can wear colors in clothes, and colors on the walls (paint), or on paper/drawings- why cant colors be on his fingers and toes?. My son comes from a two-person household and has multiple strong bonds with men. He still wanted his fingers and toes painted.

Its not signaling anything to MOST people. Just like a pink shirt is signaling anything or rainbow sparkle shoes. Unless of course you think its signaling their sexuality which is your issue. Im not gendering nor sexualizing children by letting them be interested in things that are interesting to them. People like you are. You are boxing them. It takes a cruel and unloving person to look at a 3 year old and think they are challenging social norms.

[Anonymous]

It actually is a fact that pink is *traditionally* not much used by boys, 13:48 Although it is now fairly common for some men to wear pink shirt and tie.

Coaching your five year old to say: “Pink is my favorite color and I’m a boy” is creepy of you, like you have a creepy personal agenda that you’re hiding.