Keeping your family at arms length

[Anonymous]

My family is incredibly dysfunctional. Various family members are often in a state of crisis, they are constantly in conflict with one another. They also attempt to start conflict with me or to draw me into their conflict.

To deal with this, I have chosen to live far away and I have adopted a strategy of detachment from pretty much all of their drama. I will tell them I love them, I will visit occasionally and host occasionally and seek to enjoy their company. But I don't engage with their crises. I do't attempt to save them or even get involved in their various marital issues, drug and alcohol dependencies, mental health diagnoses, and the many, many internal family squabbles. I just stay out of it as much as I can. It seems to work okay and I think it's the one thing allowing me to maintain relationships with them at this point.

Does anyone else do this? How is it going?

I think I've made the right choice but I also feel incredibly isolated in it. Sometimes I interact with the families of friends and it honestly causes me pain sometimes to see what a functional family dynamic looks like, and how fulfilling those relationships can be.

If you can relate, I'd love to hear your story. I'm just looking to feel a little less alone in this right now. I work hard to practice acceptance and I do an okay job at it, but tonight I'm feeling sad.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I can relate! A sibling of mine has mental illness and it has thrown a bomb into our already serious and unhappy family dynamic. After the countless verbal abuse from said family member, I have decided to completely step back. I can’t deal with ppl who think there are no consequences for actions. My parents are saddened at this dynamic but honestly I’m sick of them being around and constantly bringing up the drama and they have often relied on me to try to smooth things over. You sow the seeds you plant, ya know?

[Anonymous]

I’m with you Op. The isolation is emotionally draining especially around key calendar dates. I just can’t anymore for so many reasons, with special emphasis on how it always circles back to being my fault. I have many other fulfilling relationships and an amazing husband who I don’t dump this stuff on. It’s not a place I’d ever thought I’d be, never. Hugs to you Op. d what’s right for your wellbeing. That really is the only thing you have control over.

[Anonymous]

Feel you and support you.

It’s hard. I’m fortunate to have formed my own little family now, with loving in-laws.

The hardest for me is replying to questions from friends about when I’m going back home to visit, or when my mom will come visit the kids - even well into my 30s I’m still hiding the dysfunction from others.

I’m just trying my best to give my kids the wonderful childhood I didn’t have.

[Anonymous]

Yes, dysfunctional birth family here. I have childhood PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Therapy really helped me decide to separate from them and feel good about that decision. I don't go to family events anymore and I keep very low contact with some and no active contact with others.

My life is so much better now.

[Anonymous]

I relate to so much of what you all have written. Very dysfunctional FOO. Golden child is a train wreck with constant drama and chaos, but remains GC for going to ivy league schools and getting fancy degrees. She is addicted to chaos and my parents got sucked in every time. I am blamed for finally after many years detaching.

Mom has no emotional control system and flies off the handle easily. She is completely enmeshed with GC. Let's just say if I robbed a bank she would rightfully be furious and lashing out at me constantly. If GC did she would like in her defense, gaslight everyone around, pay for the best criminal lawyer and still brag about her.

It took me so many years to give up people pleasing, rescuing and getting sucked into drama. I keep a very distant relationship with major rock solid boundaries.

I sleep better and can manage stress better since distancing myself. If you offered me 20 million dollars, I would still refuse to get sucked back into that mess.

[Anonymous]

Yep. I am the scapegoat in my family. For years I took on a lot of abuse and blame, but it got so bad that I had no choice but to essentially estrange myself from them. I had a very good therapist, great friends and a very supportive husband.

Sadly, distancing myself hasn’t done anything to help repair / improve my relationship with them. They used to complain that I ruined every holiday with my presence; now they complain that I ruin every holiday with my absence.

Surrounding yourself with mentally healthy people, and professional therapists if you choose, is really helpful.

And practice gratitude. The experience makes me so grateful for my husband, my kids, friends and my husband’s family. It also makes me much more determined to avoid the type of dynamics in my extended family.

It is isolating though. I struggle with “deserting” my nieces and nephews. We do not live close so it wouldn’t be a close relationship anyway. But I’d love to have a simple, basic relationship with them where I could send them a birthday card and a Xmas present, just generally let them know I’m here and im thinking of them… but I know my siblings would lose their minds and somehow spin it into something bad. So I stay away. Super sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. I am the scapegoat in my family. For years I took on a lot of abuse and blame, but it got so bad that I had no choice but to essentially estrange myself from them. I had a very good therapist, great friends and a very supportive husband.

Sadly, distancing myself hasn’t done anything to help repair / improve my relationship with them. They used to complain that I ruined every holiday with my presence; now they complain that I ruin every holiday with my absence.

Surrounding yourself with mentally healthy people, and professional therapists if you choose, is really helpful.

And practice gratitude. The experience makes me so grateful for my husband, my kids, friends and my husband’s family. It also makes me much more determined to avoid the type of dynamics in my extended family.

It is isolating though. I struggle with “deserting” my nieces and nephews. We do not live close so it wouldn’t be a close relationship anyway. But I’d love to have a simple, basic relationship with them where I could send them a birthday card and a Xmas present, just generally let them know I’m here and im thinking of them… but I know my siblings would lose their minds and somehow spin it into something bad. So I stay away. Super sad.

OP here. I relate so strongly to all of this, especially the bolded. That was why I knew it was time to take a step back -- when no matter what I did and how I did it, they would be unhappy or my actions would somehow spur conflict, it seemed like I might as well do the thing that offered me more peace and calm in my life.

Agree on gratitude. I am so thankful every day for the life I've been able to build for myself away from them. I do struggle sometimes with feeling envious of people who have functional, supportive families. Or not envy exactly, because I don't want their specific families. It's more this dull ache of seeing what it is like to have a family that gets along and is able to love each other in a way that makes one another's lives better instead of worse. I wish my family could do that, for my sake and for theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I can relate! A sibling of mine has mental illness and it has thrown a bomb into our already serious and unhappy family dynamic. After the countless verbal abuse from said family member, I have decided to completely step back. I can’t deal with ppl who think there are no consequences for actions. My parents are saddened at this dynamic but honestly I’m sick of them being around and constantly bringing up the drama and they have often relied on me to try to smooth things over. You sow the seeds you plant, ya know?

This is me too.

I'm so sick of dealing with it. We've been in a lull lately, thank goodness.

I had to chuckle when my sister complained one of their kids yelled at them. Gee, I wonder where they learned that...My sister said such yelling / verbal abuse wasn't acceptable. Interesting....

[Anonymous]

OP i TOTALLY get this. In every way.
Part of the pain for me is that I never would have chosen this — it is bad luck, and for sure, that absolutely has led to feelings of jealous/envy/emptiness.
I don’t want to be a person who had to detach from their family of origin. I want to be someone who has brunch with their mom; someone who sends a fun bday gift to a sibling; someone who brings the homemade cranberry sauce to thanksgiving. I know other families aren’t perfect and I don’t idealize … but it’s that for me, the gap is SO big. I will never come even close to anything I just listed. I have relatives who I’d have to call the police on if they ever came to my house again. Relatives who are blocked on my phone. People who aren’t from families like this have NO idea.

[Anonymous]

My siblings are snoozed on text, so, yes, I can definitely relate. They are texting warriors, but bring little, to nothing, to the table and I wasn't put here on earth to make them feel better about their miserable, insignificant, existences.

[Anonymous]

I left Europe at 19 to escape my insane mother and her severely dysfunctional sisters and extended relatives. My father enables my mother.

I have proceeded like you ever since, and not once have I regretted it! Now I'm 43, my parents are aging, and I'm their only child. Caring for them will be a challenge, since they don't want caregivers. If they think I'm coming back to live with them... they've got another think coming.

My two best friends also had somewhat problematic childhoods, and also keep their families at arms' length, so I feel like many of us are in the same boat. My husband is the only person I know with a close-knit family: they're ex-war refugees and I'm very happy that they love each other and help each other out. It's not that everything's perfect all the time... but in a pinch, they can all rely on each other. If only I could say this of my backstabbing family!

[Anonymous]

I can relate and it’s very lonely, although I know there are many people who come from dysfunctional families.

My mom’s family is messy and dramatic: everyone has plenty of money, but everyone is miserable. My mom, her siblings, and her parents get into dramatic squabbles constantly. I’ve determined that they’re more interested in being in conflict than having peace, which seems exhausting! In any case, I just don’t engage. I’ll talk to my mom on the phone about once a week, and if she brings up the drama, I’ll tell her I’m not the person to talk to about that.

Mom was also extraordinarily abusive to me throughout my younger years. Although she likes to paint a sunny picture of the past, this is not reality. So I really have no guilt about seeing her only when and where are convenient to me and my family. I will not share a residence with her anymore, and I will not use PTO on her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP i TOTALLY get this. In every way.
Part of the pain for me is that I never would have chosen this — it is bad luck, and for sure, that absolutely has led to feelings of jealous/envy/emptiness.
I don’t want to be a person who had to detach from their family of origin. I want to be someone who has brunch with their mom; someone who sends a fun bday gift to a sibling; someone who brings the homemade cranberry sauce to thanksgiving. I know other families aren’t perfect and I don’t idealize … but it’s that for me, the gap is SO big. I will never come even close to anything I just listed. I have relatives who I’d have to call the police on if they ever came to my house again. Relatives who are blocked on my phone. People who aren’t from families like this have NO idea.

OP here. Thank you for this -- I feel seen. I know exactly what you mean. I know other families have their own issues, I don't assume it's sunshine and roses.

If you have seen the Thanksgiving episode of the Bear, I think that's a pretty good representation of the kinds of conflict and stress in my family (actually my spouse's family, too, which is hard). Not that fever pitch all the time, but those kinds of dynamics where you have multiple family members just operating so dysfunctionally that the entire dynamic kind of hinges on trying to keep them from getting manic, incredibly depressed, suicidal, using drugs/alcohol, or interacting with someone or something known to trigger one of the above. It's not "we have some issues," its "we have issues and ZERO ability to resolve or address them because so few members of the family have enough emotional regulation, self-awareness, or communication skills to do that."

Anyway. Hugs. I know what it's like and it's HARD.

[Anonymous]

OP you clearly are looking at things the right way. As you build your own family- it’s okay to parent the child inside of you that’s sad from what happened as a kid. It sounds weird, but when I feel sad about my abusive upbringing, I think about the little girl I was and give her words comfort and have a cry. Then I remind myself I’m an adult and everything turned our better than I can imagine.

Once you get through that process you could decide to establish new traditions that you love more than what you see in movies and TV. A Friendsgiving, a Turkey Trot, an annual party with your chosen family, a cruise with your husband. Really think about what you love and use your power to choose.

Sending you heartfelt good vibes and good luck.