Keeping your family at arms length

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I can totally relate.

My parents are both deceased now and that has served to just further highlight how little I can count on, trust, or even just have stable relationships with anyone still alive in my family of birth or immediate cousins.

My father was very physically and verbally abusive and struggled with addiction issues his whole life. My mother looked the other way and did nothing to protect her children, but they had a marriage of almost 55 years until he died.

I was (am) the primary contact for all things for both of them, and frequently for my siblings also. Both of my siblings struggle w/ addiction and mental illness - as do almost all of my first cousins. This year we lost a 1st cousin to fentanyl laced cocaine. He was in his 60's and had been a lifelong addict/abuser of drugs.

This all runs crazy deep and strong in my family and has done so so so much damage in every way.

I have a family of my own now, and only through wanting to protect my kids from the craziness and dysfunction of my siblings have I been able to draw and hold boundaries. Years of therapy have helped greatly, and have also served to uncover the depths to which I was affected.

I am incredibly sad to have so little meaningful contact w/ my siblings or my nephew. I struggle with lots of emotion around guilt/responsibility/grief/doubt etc... - much of which is also connected to my role in the family and my own dysfunctional coping skills. It is VERY hard to reprogram oneself and a huge part of it, as a pp said, involves really fundamental re-parenting.

I agree that there is comfort in knowing that there are others out there who experienced something very different than a healthy, close, loving family. I haven't yet found a cohort of people with whom I can discuss these things in real life but I do have a couple of people who get it and can be a source of support. And sometimes DCUM provides some of that as well, so I appreciate everyone sharing their stories here.

It can be very hard to insist on protecting oneself, but it sounds like you are doing a good job OP. And the sadness and grief you feel is a reflection of your love for your family - no matter their struggles. It's totally ok to honor those feelings. I always hold out hope for my siblings that they will find their way to a healthier place that allows us to rebuild relationships. I'll be here when they do.

Hugs and solidarity to you. Hang in there.