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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yep. I am the scapegoat in my family. For years I took on a lot of abuse and blame, but it got so bad that I had no choice but to essentially estrange myself from them. I had a very good therapist, great friends and a very supportive husband.

Sadly, distancing myself hasn’t done anything to help repair / improve my relationship with them. [b]They used to complain that I ruined every holiday with my presence; now they complain that I ruin every holiday with my absence. [/b]

Surrounding yourself with mentally healthy people, and professional therapists if you choose, is really helpful.

And practice gratitude. The experience makes me so grateful for my husband, my kids, friends and my husband’s family. It also makes me much more determined to avoid the type of dynamics in my extended family.

It is isolating though. I struggle with “deserting” my nieces and nephews.  We do not live close so it wouldn’t be a close relationship anyway. But I’d love to have a simple, basic relationship with them where I could send them a birthday card and a Xmas present, just generally let them know I’m here and im thinking of them… but I know my siblings would lose their minds and somehow spin it into something bad. So I stay away. Super sad.  [/quote]

OP here. I relate so strongly to all of this, especially the bolded. That was why I knew it was time to take a step back -- when no matter what I did and how I did it, they would be unhappy or my actions would somehow spur conflict, it seemed like I might as well do the thing that offered me more peace and calm in my life.

Agree on gratitude. I am so thankful every day for the life I've been able to build for myself away from them. I do struggle sometimes with feeling envious of people who have functional, supportive families. Or not envy exactly, because I don't want their specific families. It's more this dull ache of seeing what it is like to have a family that gets along and is able to love each other in a way that makes one another's lives better instead of worse. I wish my family could do that, for my sake and for theirs.[/quote]

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