The flaw in all the "How to live a happy life" books/articles/etc

[Anonymous]

We've all heard that pursuit of wealth, status, success, material possessions, and so on doesn't make you happy in the long run. Instead, we're advised to focus on relationships and authentic human connections.

But there's one problem I can't find the answer to anywhere - what if no one you'd like to connect with is interested in connecting with you?

I am a mid-30s married mom. My partner and I don't have much family, and both work from home in remote organizations (i.e. everyone is scattered all over and also WFHs). I've been trying to put myself out there and meet people every way possible - Facebook and Meetup groups, through my kids' school, neighborhood, trying out hobbies, even church (though I'm not religious). I'm as proactive as a busy working mom can be, and have met hundreds of people.

But the people who I feel a spark with, those I'd like to get to know better, already have full social plates. Usually I'm drawn to other parents who
- love to travel and explore the local area and always trying new things (vs. just hanging out at home or doing the same kids activities each weekend)
- are smart critical thinkers who don't blindly follow either progressive or conservative views but really enjoy deep discussions of complex issues
- have a sense of humor
- don't subscribe to the whole UMC anxiety-inducing industrial complex of raising kids

I know these people are out there, because I met several and had a wonderful group of friends when I gave birth to my first. We were all on mat leave and looking for friends and it was just so easy. But that group fell apart, and most of us (including me) moved to different places. Now, when I meet people like this, they are all already "taken". I try to initiate get-togethers but they just don't respond or reschedule indefinitely.

I know you'll say, "Don't be picky", and "give others a chance", and I can assure you, I have been. I invite people over, do group events, chat with people, but I am just not feeling any real friendships develop. It's been a year and I just feel so unmotivated and sad. I don't want to hang out with these people anymore. I don't judge them at all, but we just don't have much in common.

I would love to meet even 1-2 friends that I can be really close to, but it feels impossible at this point. If you were me, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Join a local pool. And start to volunteer or have kids in swim/dive.

[Anonymous]

Schedule way out. If they're that busy and exciting, propose an exciting activity with 3 possible dates in the fall, for example. Parent social life is just very extended and slow compared to before.

[Anonymous]

You need to find these people through school volunteering, exercise class, book club, or other thing that already serves a need for them. They clearly are too busy or not sufficiently interested in getting together solely socially with you at this point, but if you continue doing the activity together a friendship may form.

Also, if interesting people are ALWAYS blowing off your invites, I would reflect on whether you are putting too much pressure on somehow or coming on too strong.

[Anonymous]

Also, revise your timeline expectations. It usually takes several years to make a close friend. I mean several years of seeing each other fairly regularly and gradually getting closer. I have a friend I have been walking with occasionally for 15 years and only on the past few would I say we have actually gotten close.

[Anonymous]

Your criteria is pretty stringent given that you're only looking at parents with kids of similar ages that in somewhat close spatial proximity.

Maybe be a bit more open-minded. Relationships are about give and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your criteria is pretty stringent given that you're only looking at parents with kids of similar ages that in somewhat close spatial proximity.

Maybe be a bit more open-minded. Relationships are about give and take.

I second this. Obviously you won’t spark with everyone, but I have a lot of friends I genuinely enjoy and I’d be hard pressed to list criteria like this. You can enjoy one aspect of someone without agreeing on everything, and take from different friendships different things you want and need.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes feel this way too, OP. But I do want to make an observation. You say:

But the people who I feel a spark with, those I'd like to get to know better, already have full social plates. Usually I'm drawn to other parents who
- love to travel and explore the local area and always trying new things (vs. just hanging out at home or doing the same kids activities each weekend)
- are smart critical thinkers who don't blindly follow either progressive or conservative views but really enjoy deep discussions of complex issues
- have a sense of humor
- don't subscribe to the whole UMC anxiety-inducing industrial complex of raising kids

I think that describes my DH and I. But if you met me once or twice, you might not realize this. Like that last one -- I HATE the UMC industrial complex of raising kids. But I think sometimes people just assume I subscribe to it because I'm UMC and have kids and live in DC. I often get the impression that people think I'm obsessive about parenting, but I'm not. I sometimes feel pressure and anxiety over the way people seem to expect me to parent (which is why I hate the parenting industrial complex! I don't want to feel pressure/anxiety over my kid's math scores or whatever) and I might express that anxiety. But a person who doesn't know me might take that to mean I'm bought in when in fact it means that I'm not bought in.

We are definitely independent thinkers politically and love talking politics. But I've learned to keep this to ourselves when we meet new people because we don't want to alienate neighbors or parents at our kids' school by saying something that doesn't conform with often rigid expectations of what is the "right" thing to think. I only tell people my real political views (which are lefty but not blindly agreeing with everything Democrats do, and I probably have more tolerance of certain non-prejudiced, non-MAGA conservative beliefs than your average progressive) once I know people well enough to know they won't freak out if I express something that isn't 100% party line. It's not worth the downside when you have young kids who might get punished for someone disliking you.

So you might want to consider that some of the people you meet who you aren't instantly drawn to might actually be the kind of people you want to meet. But it's hard out there and they are dealign with the same challenges you are. They might be cautious and need to feel you out a bit more before decided to show you their "real" selves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, revise your timeline expectations. It usually takes several years to make a close friend. I mean several years of seeing each other fairly regularly and gradually getting closer. I have a friend I have been walking with occasionally for 15 years and only on the past few would I say we have actually gotten close.

+1 My last kid just graduated HS and it's only been in the last few years that it feels like the "mom friends" I met when they were in early ES finally transitioned to close friends now that I have time for that.

I also agree with PP that you might find more success via an activity that meets on a regular schedule, like a book club. Still it could take a few years to really feel connected. Some libraries and independent book stores will offer book clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've all heard that pursuit of wealth, status, success, material possessions, and so on doesn't make you happy in the long run. Instead, we're advised to focus on relationships and authentic human connections.

But there's one problem I can't find the answer to anywhere - what if no one you'd like to connect with is interested in connecting with you?

I am a mid-30s married mom. My partner and I don't have much family, and both work from home in remote organizations (i.e. everyone is scattered all over and also WFHs). I've been trying to put myself out there and meet people every way possible - Facebook and Meetup groups, through my kids' school, neighborhood, trying out hobbies, even church (though I'm not religious). I'm as proactive as a busy working mom can be, and have met hundreds of people.

But the people who I feel a spark with, those I'd like to get to know better, already have full social plates. Usually I'm drawn to other parents who
- love to travel and explore the local area and always trying new things (vs. just hanging out at home or doing the same kids activities each weekend)
- are smart critical thinkers who don't blindly follow either progressive or conservative views but really enjoy deep discussions of complex issues
- have a sense of humor
- don't subscribe to the whole UMC anxiety-inducing industrial complex of raising kids

I know these people are out there, because I met several and had a wonderful group of friends when I gave birth to my first. We were all on mat leave and looking for friends and it was just so easy. But that group fell apart, and most of us (including me) moved to different places. Now, when I meet people like this, they are all already "taken". I try to initiate get-togethers but they just don't respond or reschedule indefinitely.

I know you'll say, "Don't be picky", and "give others a chance", and I can assure you, I have been. I invite people over, do group events, chat with people, but I am just not feeling any real friendships develop. It's been a year and I just feel so unmotivated and sad. I don't want to hang out with these people anymore. I don't judge them at all, but we just don't have much in common.

I would love to meet even 1-2 friends that I can be really close to, but it feels impossible at this point. If you were me, what would you do?

First, another poster said it - you find people like you by figuring out common interests and then finding the time and space. So a neighborhood book club, then figuring out who is compatible and asking them to hang out. And maybe that person has too much on their plate and does'nt have the time, so you move onto the next one who has the time. It's like finding love, isn't it, the time, the space, and the mutual attraction all have to be right.

For friends, for me, almost everyone is dual purpose or origin or some other connection. So a neighbor in a book club. A work person who has kids my kids age, a parent from school who works in the same field as I do, a co-worker who has a similar hobby, etc. Take your starting point and triangulate the right connection.

That said, the line I bolded did give me pause. Frankly in my life of kids, work, and dealing with aging parents and having hobbies that don't drive me crazy, I'm not ready to dive into deep discussions of complex issues. Political discussions/solving the world questions are best kept to once the relationship is established. Or maybe even not at all. Not sure if you are in the DC area, but work and politics rein supreme here and if you are in DC proper, generally having a progressive attitude means you'll make more friends, if you lean more conservative you'll have to dig a little deeper to find your tribe. THere's just something about the way you wrote that that rubs me the wrong way, and I don't actually work (terribly closely) within political realms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your criteria is pretty stringent given that you're only looking at parents with kids of similar ages that in somewhat close spatial proximity.

Maybe be a bit more open-minded. Relationships are about give and take.

I second this. Obviously you won’t spark with everyone, but I have a lot of friends I genuinely enjoy and I’d be hard pressed to list criteria like this. You can enjoy one aspect of someone without agreeing on everything, and take from different friendships different things you want and need.

So in your case I think you look for some parent friends with similar style. Then you join an evening book club or current event club or something to discuss issues (with people who may not be your age or even be parents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Join a local pool. And start to volunteer or have kids in swim/dive.

that lasts as long as you4 kids are in swimming. Then you have to start again.

[Anonymous]

Get a dog! I met so many more neighbors when I started walking our puppy around.

[Anonymous]

I would love to be friends with you!

Personally, I gave up quite some time ago in meeting like minded folks like us in the DMV. And when I do, usually, they are set on relocating. This area is just not built for people like us.

Everyone is very very opinionated and clicquish. They do not have an attitude of friendliness and there's usually some expectation of friendship is why at have found. The judgements are out of control here. I'm from the Midwest and it's a totally different culture.

So - good luck! You are right there are folks out there but the chances of you meeting them aren't huge. I would suggest you find peace in being self entertained LOL If someone comes along great but do your own travels and fun as I have learned to do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've all heard that pursuit of wealth, status, success, material possessions, and so on doesn't make you happy in the long run. Instead, we're advised to focus on relationships and authentic human connections.

But there's one problem I can't find the answer to anywhere - what if no one you'd like to connect with is interested in connecting with you?

I am a mid-30s married mom. My partner and I don't have much family, and both work from home in remote organizations (i.e. everyone is scattered all over and also WFHs). I've been trying to put myself out there and meet people every way possible - Facebook and Meetup groups, through my kids' school, neighborhood, trying out hobbies, even church (though I'm not religious). I'm as proactive as a busy working mom can be, and have met hundreds of people.

But the people who I feel a spark with, those I'd like to get to know better, already have full social plates. Usually I'm drawn to other parents who
- love to travel and explore the local area and always trying new things (vs. just hanging out at home or doing the same kids activities each weekend)
- are smart critical thinkers who don't blindly follow either progressive or conservative views but really enjoy deep discussions of complex issues
- have a sense of humor
- don't subscribe to the whole UMC anxiety-inducing industrial complex of raising kids

I know these people are out there, because I met several and had a wonderful group of friends when I gave birth to my first. We were all on mat leave and looking for friends and it was just so easy. But that group fell apart, and most of us (including me) moved to different places. Now, when I meet people like this, they are all already "taken". I try to initiate get-togethers but they just don't respond or reschedule indefinitely.

I know you'll say, "Don't be picky", and "give others a chance", and I can assure you, I have been. I invite people over, do group events, chat with people, but I am just not feeling any real friendships develop. It's been a year and I just feel so unmotivated and sad. I don't want to hang out with these people anymore. I don't judge them at all, but we just don't have much in common.

I would love to meet even 1-2 friends that I can be really close to, but it feels impossible at this point. If you were me, what would you do?

First, another poster said it - you find people like you by figuring out common interests and then finding the time and space. So a neighborhood book club, then figuring out who is compatible and asking them to hang out. And maybe that person has too much on their plate and does'nt have the time, so you move onto the next one who has the time. It's like finding love, isn't it, the time, the space, and the mutual attraction all have to be right.

For friends, for me, almost everyone is dual purpose or origin or some other connection. So a neighbor in a book club. A work person who has kids my kids age, a parent from school who works in the same field as I do, a co-worker who has a similar hobby, etc. Take your starting point and triangulate the right connection.

That said, the line I bolded did give me pause. Frankly in my life of kids, work, and dealing with aging parents and having hobbies that don't drive me crazy, I'm not ready to dive into deep discussions of complex issues. Political discussions/solving the world questions are best kept to once the relationship is established. Or maybe even not at all. Not sure if you are in the DC area, but work and politics rein supreme here and if you are in DC proper, generally having a progressive attitude means you'll make more friends, if you lean more conservative you'll have to dig a little deeper to find your tribe. THere's just something about the way you wrote that that rubs me the wrong way, and I don't actually work (terribly closely) within political realms.

I disagree with above. DP here. You can find people who like what you like and still not get along with them. My best and oldest friends and I have little in common. We are friends because as people, we are alike. We don't read the same books but can appreciate why the other likes what they like. Now I can meet strangers who share similar hobbies and short term, hang out and focus on those activities together. But true friendship is about a bond. The prob with DMV is most people here do not know how to bond or considering bonding important. They are too busy with the 100000 things in their lives. The whole, I'm too busy to hang out with someone, that's so weird to me. You can never really have too many friends can you? You can never be bothered by someone who makes you laugh or just happy to be around can you? You would be grateful for someone, on your busiest days, who you can parttake in lively conversations and learn from, to make you forget about how damn busy you are, no?

Let's face it - the fact that you truly believe that it's activities that make friendships happen - that is why I think OP has a hard time making/finding friends in the DMV. If I have any advice for OP it's that - you just have to let things develop and hope that you do find someone that is like minded. As you get older - I'm 50 now - your circle of friends gets smaller. There are friendships for many things of course - definitely if you wanted someone to read with - join a book club. But for someone who will really comfort you and someone who you want in your life during sad, happy, fun, boring, awful, great times - it's luck. Not everyone finds great friends. If you have 1-2 - you are pretty damn lucky! My oldest friends I've had since age 13 and 22. My best friend and I probably have seen each other through 45 years, only 10 times or so. This is about staying in my life - it's not about how much we do together - she is my best friend because of who she is. I have other friends who I just talk to more and see more and they offer a lot as well but it's definitely not about how much we have in common doing stuff. It's about wanting to connect with them, that's the only requirement in our friendship.