Reply to The flaw in all the "How to live a happy life" books/articles/etc

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We've all heard that pursuit of wealth, status, success, material possessions, and so on doesn't make you happy in the long run. Instead, we're advised to focus on relationships and authentic human connections.

But there's one problem I can't find the answer to anywhere - what if no one you'd like to connect with is interested in connecting with you?

I am a mid-30s married mom. My partner and I don't have much family, and both work from home in remote organizations (i.e. everyone is scattered all over and also WFHs). I've been trying to put myself out there and meet people every way possible - Facebook and Meetup groups, through my kids' school, neighborhood, trying out hobbies, even church (though I'm not religious). I'm as proactive as a busy working mom can be, and have met hundreds of people.

But the people who I feel a spark with, those I'd like to get to know better, already have full social plates. Usually I'm drawn to other parents who
- love to travel and explore the local area and always trying new things (vs. just hanging out at home or doing the same kids activities each weekend)
[b]- are smart critical thinkers who don't blindly follow either progressive or conservative views but really enjoy deep discussions of complex issues[/b]
- have a sense of humor
- don't subscribe to the whole UMC anxiety-inducing industrial complex of raising kids

I know these people are out there, because I met several and had a wonderful group of friends when I gave birth to my first. We were all on mat leave and looking for friends and it was just so easy. But that group fell apart, and most of us (including me) moved to different places. Now, when I meet people like this, they are all already "taken". I try to initiate get-togethers but they just don't respond or reschedule indefinitely.

I know you'll say, "Don't be picky", and "give others a chance", and I can assure you, I have been. I invite people over, do group events, chat with people, but I am just not feeling any real friendships develop. It's been a year and I just feel so unmotivated and sad. I don't want to hang out with these people anymore. I don't judge them at all, but we just don't have much in common.

I would love to meet even 1-2 friends that I can be really close to, but it feels impossible at this point. If you were me, what would you do? [/quote]

First, another poster said it - [b]you find people like you by figuring out common interests and then finding the time and space. [/b] So a neighborhood book club, then figuring out who is compatible and asking them to hang out.  And maybe that person has too much on their plate and does'nt have the time, so you move onto the next one who has the time.  It's like finding love, isn't it, the time, the space, and the mutual attraction all have to be right.

For friends, for me, almost everyone is dual purpose or origin or some other connection.  So a neighbor in a book club.  A work person who has kids my kids age, a parent from school who works in the same field as I do, a co-worker who has a similar hobby, etc.  Take your starting point and triangulate the right connection.

That said, the line I bolded did give me pause.  Frankly in my life of kids, work, and dealing with aging parents and having hobbies that don't drive me crazy, I'm not ready to dive into deep discussions of complex issues.  Political discussions/solving the world questions are best kept to once the relationship is established.  Or maybe even not at all.  Not sure if you are in the DC area, but work and politics rein supreme here and if you are in DC proper, generally having a progressive attitude means you'll make more friends, if you lean more conservative you'll have to dig a little deeper to find your tribe.  THere's just something about the way you wrote that that rubs me the wrong way, and I don't actually work (terribly closely) within political realms.  [/quote]

I disagree with above.  DP here.  You can find people who like what you like and still not get along with them.  My best and oldest friends and I have little in common.  We are friends because as people, we are alike.  We don't read the same books but can appreciate why the other likes what they like.  Now I can meet strangers who share similar hobbies and short term, hang out and focus on those activities together.  But true friendship is about a bond.  The prob with DMV is most people here do not know how to bond or considering bonding important.  They are too busy with the 100000 things in their lives.  The whole, I'm too busy to hang out with someone, that's so weird to me.  You can never really have too many friends can you?  You can never be bothered by someone who makes you laugh or just happy to be around can you?  You would be grateful for someone, on your busiest days, who you can parttake in lively conversations and learn from, to make you forget about how damn busy you are, no?

Let's face it - the fact that you truly believe that it's activities that make friendships happen - that is why I think OP has a hard time making/finding friends in the DMV.  If I have any advice for OP it's that - you just have to let things develop and hope that you do find someone that is like minded.  As you get older - I'm 50 now - your circle of friends gets smaller.  There are friendships for many things of course - definitely if you wanted someone to read with - join a book club.  But for someone who will really comfort you and someone who you want in your life during sad, happy, fun, boring, awful, great times - it's luck.  Not everyone finds great friends.  If you have 1-2 - you are pretty damn lucky!  My oldest friends I've had since age 13 and 22.  My best friend and I probably have seen each other through 45 years, only 10 times or so.  This is about staying in my life - it's not about how much we do together - she is my best friend because of who she is.  I have other friends who I just talk to more and see more and they offer a lot as well but it's definitely not about how much we have in common doing stuff.  It's about wanting to connect with them, that's the only requirement in our friendship.[/quote]

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