Private school for non fancy middle class families
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Anonymous
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I never thought my family could afford private school for our only child (now in middle school). Circumstances recently arose where a distant relative offered to help pay for private high school if my child wanted to apply next year.
There's a lot to unpack here and many questions about whether they'd even get accepted, but generally I'm curious how solidly lower middle class kids and families feel joining communities where most people will be far more wealthy. We each grew up lower class, live in a small non fancy house most people would consider a "starter home," still have Ikea furniture, drive an old car, have school teacher and artist level earnings, dress from the thrift store... My spouse right away wanted to reject the offer, largely because they don't like accepting charity and also maybe because I think neither of us has ever felt comfortable around lots of wealth. But then I see our very smart kid who tests 99 percentile not get great grades or be inspired by our mediocre public school because it's "too easy" and wonder if we should consider the offer. Anyone have experience? |
Anonymous
Grace in Kensington, MD; Waldorf in Bethesda; SSFS ("Sidwell's fun unpretentious cousin") |
Anonymous
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Ha. My kid is at Sidwell’s fun unpretentious cousin, and I was about to say I think your family would be very comfortable there. We have a teacher and artist level HHI, live in a neighborhood that would give most DCUM people the vapors, in a 1200ft house. We’re fine. Our kid loves the school and loves their friends.
It helps that I don’t particularly yearn to be richer. I know compared to the rest of the world (heck, compared to the rest of the US) we are very well off. I’m content not being in the top 5% or whatever. What we have is plenty. So I have never been particularly self conscious or worried about fitting in - and it’s been just fine. |
Anonymous
| Maybe Burke -- while there are definitely families with serious resources, the school culture (at least to me) feels pretty grounded |
Anonymous
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I've read many DCUM comments about public high schools often offering more APs and other advanced classes than privates because they have the size to support them. So the challenge factor may change. If not, that can be made up at college. I went to a boring public long ago followed by Ivy League schools to get the challenge I wanted.
The dilemma at private will be when other kids go to Aspen for Christmas, get a new BMW with their drivers license, play in the travel sports league, go on the school trip to Paris or Japan, etc. Lots of private kids get another $10-20-30K in support goodies on top of tuition. The kids who don't will notice and be noticed. If you have a very mature kid who understands and can cope with that, it's worth considering. But I'd talk to parents at my local public HS first about the possibilities. Kids are uninspired until they aren't. |
Anonymous
Yup. Lot's of happy and well balanced children at Sandy Springs Friends. |
Anonymous
| OP the number one question is where you live. |
Anonymous
Yep. What city? Is the relative offering to pay for elite privates or local Catholic? Huge difference. And you need to get into a school. You can't walk into most good private schools. If you're apprehensive about "fitting in" and in DC, it may be worth it to look at a school like Gonzanga, which has a wide mix of kids. By the way, is relative also offering to pay for or help with college? |
Anonymous
My kid is at Burke and we are LMC. And have Ikea furniture. And drive an old car. And have non-fancy clothes. And we rent an apartment. No issues that I'm aware of. |
Anonymous
I also agree with Burke. Families value education but scrimp and save in other areas to make it work. |
Anonymous
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Fitting in is not in top 10 of issues you need to consider, OP. Leave that aside for now. There are more serious considerations than your little feelings about fitting in and accepting charity.
I would thank the relative profusely and inquire politely whether those funds could be used for college instead. Here's what you should be considering: 1. In private, the kids are selected at entry and compete against one another in the college process - selective universities don't want to take too many from each small private school. Despite what you may have heard, there are only a few Ivy/top college feeders and none of them are in DC. They're in NY. So your kid will be facing absolutely devastating competition from his peers at a good private school, and he'll be up against families who think nothing of paying $300/hr for tutoring and test prep, and 25K+ for a private college counselor. The connected families will line up valuable internships for their kids, will yours be able to compete? Think hard about that. Whereas in a large but reputable public, competition is meaningless. Some will go to community college, most will go to State U, a handful will go to Ivy Leagues. Your kid will have his chance. 2. If you're not interested in the best privates, then there is no reason to pay for private at all unless your child has particular needs. And sometimes not even then. My son with ADHD/ASD did well in a large public with an IEP, then a 504, and accommodations. STEM instruction is much better in good public schools. Writing is usually taught better in good privates. Guess which majors are being eliminated from certain colleges? Humanities, not STEM. AI will shortly be writing all your stuff. Not saying writing isn't important, I love good writing! But just want to put this out there. 3. What would be really interesting is if your relative could help out for college. My kid is going to a reputable program at an 85K private university, with merit aid. He will have a lot more attention and built-in networking opportunities than in the 30K State U that accepted him; the dorms and food are nicer, and overall it's a better atmosphere. College is when having choices matter. You don't want to be stuck with only in-state options because you can't afford anything else. 4. All this calculus needs tweaking if your kid's public school has issues, or you're unhappy with the breadth of AP offerings, etc. BUT - 5. Re:"boredom", poor grades, etc. Bear in mind that high school coursework is a LOT more challenging than middle school. Also note that if your 99 percentile kid doesn't have great grades and claims he's bored... that's a huge red flag for ADHD or a learning disability. An evaluation is in order. My oldest has that profile, and needs medication to stay focused. A middle schooler who doesn't have good grades won't get into any of the top privates, and won't be very successful in public high school either, OP. You need to realize this now, while you still have time to get him help before high school. As soon as he starts 9th grade, he needs top grades, the most advanced classes he can handle, extra-curriculars, etc. Competition for colleges that were mediocre in your youth is now extremely stiff, and kids needs top grades and multiple APs (or the equivalent advanced course in private school) just to vie for UMD or UVA. I know kids with a 4.2 weighted GPA and lots of advanced coursework who were rejected from UMD in-state. I hope you're not offended by my comments, but I've seen this play out too many times. Parents don't quite understand that their kid has ADHD/LDs, pay for private then wonder why their kid isn't doing as well as they thought, then realize too late they didn't pay for what mattered, ie an evaluation and treatment, instead of private. If you can do both, great, but then remember what I said about college. Privates do not give you a boost for that. You might not care now, but I promise you will care later. |
Anonymous
| There are a ton of private schools in the DMV and each one of them has a different culture and feel. I'd recommend just going and visiting several different types in the fall. Take your child with you and pay attention to everything. For example, I paid close attention to how the people in admissions treated me and how comfortable I felt on campus. I wanted a community where we wouldn't be the only (or one of only) Black families. If you walk on campus and feel the stodgy oozing out of the place, it's probably not gonna get better if your kid were to go there. Keep an open mind throughout the process. |
Anonymous
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There are pockets of people in every private school that you will identify with especially at schools that welcome faculty children.
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Anonymous
| Don't believe the stereotypes you hear. There are families like your all over the place. At some schools, you will be in the majority. Just start visiting schools. |
Anonymous
| The social differences can result in less ability to socialize or to feel like a charity case amongst friends. If you can’t afford to enroll in travel sports, shuttle kids to play dates across town, or buy movie/concert tickets, it will affect your child. That’s true at any school, but more likely at private where kids are more typically wealthy and more spread out. More likely to have economic peers at public. Maybe family should pay for after school enrichment, music lessons, sports and other activities, summer camp and extra tutoring. |