Tried to set boundary, mother is making doctors appointments on my behalf

[Anonymous]

Whenever I or my children get sick, my parents demand a detailed description of symptoms and treatment, as well as frequent updates. They always share advice and start debating with me if I am not doing exactly what they think is right. I've tried addressing it a million times, but it's always "But we love you so much", "This is your health, you could die", "But we're so worried, it's normal for parents to worry."

I've lately just stopped telling them when we're sick, though they sometimes notice. Recently I found a tick too late and ended up getting Lyme disease and there was no way to hide it.

At first, I told them I was too tired to talk and to please leave me alone with advice and interrogations. I reassured them that I caught it in time, most cases resolve with prompt antibiotic use, and that I was doing all the right things. I promised I would let them know if anything significant changed for better or worse.

That bought me a few days. Once I got better, I reached out to them with this positive update. This unleashed a stream of questions and advice. Did I remove the tick professionally? Did I have travel insurance and would this be a pre-existing condition? Am I taking probiotics? Did I know that kimchi is high in probiotics? Shouldn't I extend my antibiotics longer? Am I resting enough?

I kept asking them to stop and finally hung up.

Today, I wake up to an angry email from my dad calling me a bully, and a text from my mom that said, "Don't be mad, but I called your grandfather's infectious diseases doctor and he can see you virtually, can you just send him your records?"

I don't know what to say or do. I can't go NC, but calmly dealing with their BS is so, so difficult for me.

[Anonymous]

No thank you mom. The end. Time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Just say no to the appointment, then hang up/stop texting.

[Anonymous]

No advice. Just wow. I’d keep hanging up on them when they ask intrusive personal questions about your health.

[Anonymous]

You have kids now. Time to grow up and stop interacting with your parents when they go off the rails
Your mistake was calling them with good news. Keep your medical info (good or bad) private. Your parents (anxiety?) can't handle it.
You make not be able to do NC, but tell them you are going to hang up if they continue and then proceed to do so.
Yes, it's exhausting. But you can't give in even once.
They will cry and yell, doesn't matter.
They will not accept what you are trying to do, so don't expect that.

[Anonymous]

“Dad, I don’t care if you think I’m a bully. I think you and mom bully me about healthcare stuff. So let’s just agree to disagree on who is the bully. But really, I’m not interested in your health advice. I don’t find it helpful or loving. So, I am going to work very hard not to share any health info with you. If I screw up, I will end the call and hang up.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Dad, I don’t care if you think I’m a bully. I think you and mom bully me about healthcare stuff. So let’s just agree to disagree on who is the bully. But really, I’m not interested in your health advice. I don’t find it helpful or loving. So, I am going to work very hard not to share any health info with you. If I screw up, I will end the call and hang up.”

And also, just completely ignore the text from your mom about the doctor. Don’t respond.

[Anonymous]

You're way too enmeshed with your parents. Create some distance and stop telling them all the personal health details.

[Anonymous]

They suffer extreme anxiety about your health. No contact isn't necessary if they are OK other ways but they need serious retraining and that means consequences, namely, you walk out/hang up if they bring up health issues again.

II get that you couldn't hide the Lyme from them and I think you did all the right things in how you engaged so far - you also returned to them with a positive update, for goodness' sakes.

I would not reply to your dad's email at all; he wants a reply; deny him that satisfaction and don't let the "bully" crap bother you. (Of course they're the ones bullying, but saying so really gains nothing and puts you down on his level.)

Reply to mom's text once only: "I won't be sending medical files to anyone. Please cancel that appointment and do not make any appointments for me again, ever. My doctors are fine." Then do not reply at all to any further texts from her on the topic. You do need to reply to the one text to be clear she must cancel, but otherwise, no replies on this topic EVER. A text about the kids' day? Sure. A text about the schedule for Thanksgiving? Sure. Health? Silence. Crickets.

They likely will bombard you for a time. Have a firm script when you speak to them by phone or see them in person at all: "I hear your concern. We have good doctors. If you keep bringing up health advice, I'll need to leave. How about those Nationals, eh?" or whatever topic Changes. The. Subject. Every. Time. But only in person/on phone and do be prepared actually to walk out the door with a wave and a smile, or on the phone say every single time, "OK, we're getting into health advice territory. I have to pick up the kids now. Hanging up, bye." By text or email? ZERO engagement.

If they do an end run around you to try to contact your spouse about your health etc., well, prepare your spouse now with your plan where you simply cannot see or hear communications on the subject. Every other subject? Love you, mom and dad! This subject? You don't even hear it. Spouse should do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Dad, I don’t care if you think I’m a bully. I think you and mom bully me about healthcare stuff. So let’s just agree to disagree on who is the bully. But really, I’m not interested in your health advice. I don’t find it helpful or loving. So, I am going to work very hard not to share any health info with you. If I screw up, I will end the call and hang up.”

And also, just completely ignore the text from your mom about the doctor. Don’t respond.

Agree that less engagement about all this is better, but if mom actually made an appointment in OP's name, that practice might charge OP a cancellation fee if OP doesn't turn up (even virtually). Just something to note.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell them even less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Dad, I don’t care if you think I’m a bully. I think you and mom bully me about healthcare stuff. So let’s just agree to disagree on who is the bully. But really, I’m not interested in your health advice. I don’t find it helpful or loving. So, I am going to work very hard not to share any health info with you. If I screw up, I will end the call and hang up.”

And also, just completely ignore the text from your mom about the doctor. Don’t respond.

Agree that less engagement about all this is better, but if mom actually made an appointment in OP's name, that practice might charge OP a cancellation fee if OP doesn't turn up (even virtually). Just something to note.

OP didn't sign anything. They can't come after her. Even if they tried just send the bill to mom & dad. It's supposedly just with their friend anyway so would they really want to stiff that person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Dad, I don’t care if you think I’m a bully. I think you and mom bully me about healthcare stuff. So let’s just agree to disagree on who is the bully. But really, I’m not interested in your health advice. I don’t find it helpful or loving. So, I am going to work very hard not to share any health info with you. If I screw up, I will end the call and hang up.”

And also, just completely ignore the text from your mom about the doctor. Don’t respond.

Agree that less engagement about all this is better, but if mom actually made an appointment in OP's name, that practice might charge OP a cancellation fee if OP doesn't turn up (even virtually). Just something to note.

That's a good point. Ignore your mom, but I'd call the doctor's office and just check in and make sure there is no appointment.

You need to learn to say "no thank you" more often. Try it here! We can ask you a series of invasive questions and you can figure out how to best say No and WTf parents!!

[Anonymous]

Don’t engage. No need to tell them you or kids are sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Dad, I don’t care if you think I’m a bully. I think you and mom bully me about healthcare stuff. So let’s just agree to disagree on who is the bully. But really, I’m not interested in your health advice. I don’t find it helpful or loving. So, I am going to work very hard not to share any health info with you. If I screw up, I will end the call and hang up.”

And also, just completely ignore the text from your mom about the doctor. Don’t respond.

Agree that less engagement about all this is better, but if mom actually made an appointment in OP's name, that practice might charge OP a cancellation fee if OP doesn't turn up (even virtually). Just something to note.

OP didn't sign anything. They can't come after her. Even if they tried just send the bill to mom & dad. It's supposedly just with their friend anyway so would they really want to stiff that person?

"Sign anything"? You make appointments over the phone and I've never had to "sign" for an appointment ever. I've also been told very clearly that not turning up or canceling with less than a certain amount of notice (usually 24 or 48 hours) will land me with a cancellation fee. So OP could still be on the hook without having signed anything at all. Agree, though, that I'd send mom the bill for the cancellation fee if it happened. And being friends with someone might get you an appointment but after that, any practice is going to follow its own rules about no-shows, payments, etc.