Different expectations vs sibling

[Anonymous]

I grew up in California with a sister ten years older than me, a sister one year younger, and a mentally ill mother. My father took the easy route on everything so never intervened when my mother was abusive. Our older sister left before I can really remember and my younger sister and I are very close still.

My mother is now dead and due to various reasons my father has never met my kids including my oldest son is 13. My older sister has a personality disorder and moved in with our 80yo father when our mother died last year, mainly because she is divorced, broke and planning to keep his house.

My younger sister had an easier childhood which we both acknowledge is because I absorbed a lot of the stress. I graduated and left Cali without a thought to going back.

This summer I’m going to California for a class Mates 50th birthday and I’ll be bringing my kids. I’d like them to meet my father, even though I’m nervous about it. But I definitely don’t want any of us to see my older sister.

My younger sister and I have never had a fight but she’s angry with me because she says I should make plans with our father now so we has something to look forward to. I told her this is not my responsibility, I’m really just planning to check a box by seeing him, and I know for sure that if I tell him ahead of time then my crazy older sister who controls him will get involved.

I had planned to just call my father once we’re there as he’s always at home, go pick him up and take him to a meal so my kids can spend a few hours with him. My husband who is very aware of my parent’s problems agrees with this strategy.

I don’t want my younger sister to be angry but I’m not sure what I can do to help that. When we spoke yesterday she started yelling at me saying she’s sick of how negative I am about our father. Of course I’m sick of all the trauma I’m carrying because he didn’t act like a parent but I distance myself from it.

Any thoughts on how to address?

[Anonymous]

Stop talking to your younger sister about it. She doesn't need to have an opinion on how you interact with other relatives, so stop giving her the details. You don't need her blessing.

[Anonymous]

You are creating drama. It's not realistic to expect your dad to visit cross country at 80 if he's not doing well. Why haven't you visited sooner? You need to give them notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking to your younger sister about it. She doesn't need to have an opinion on how you interact with other relatives, so stop giving her the details. You don't need her blessing.

+1
She's now part of that dynamic you grew up in.

[Anonymous]

It's weird you are sharing details with the one family member not involved in your visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking to your younger sister about it. She doesn't need to have an opinion on how you interact with other relatives, so stop giving her the details. You don't need her blessing.

OP - I agree and I told her that when we spoke. It’s not her business so she doesn’t need to be involved. I think because she’s close to our father now that she feel’s responsibility for him. But unless she tells him he won’t even know we’ve been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are creating drama. It's not realistic to expect your dad to visit cross country at 80 if he's not doing well. Why haven't you visited sooner? You need to give them notice.

He hasn’t come to see me in over 20 years! He’s a very selfish person which I accept. I don’t have any relationship with him and I don’t think of him as a parent because he chose not to be one. But we haven’t traveled with our kids for years due to work, their ages, pandemic etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird you are sharing details with the one family member not involved in your visit.

My younger sister is fully involved. We are going there to see her and her family so the cousins can spend time together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking to your younger sister about it. She doesn't need to have an opinion on how you interact with other relatives, so stop giving her the details. You don't need her blessing.

+1
She's now part of that dynamic you grew up in.

OP - yes thanks she definitely is. She has made the most of it for herself and her kids which I respect but it’s not my choice.

[Anonymous]

What's your beef with the older sister? She moved out before you can really remember then you've fast forwarded about 40 years, give or take, and how you hate her because she wants the house and is divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's your beef with the older sister? She moved out before you can really remember then you've fast forwarded about 40 years, give or take, and how you hate her because she wants the house and is divorced?

OP - she’s a complete narcissist and sucks the life out of everyone around her. I helped her out a couple of years ago and then she complained that I could have done more for her. She never had kids and when my sister and I had our kids our older sister sent an email to tell us that our kids shouldn’t expect any gifts from her since she doesn’t have kids we’d give gifts to!! Not that we care about gifts but it’s just how selfish she is. She’s nuts and I don’t want to get sucked into her drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your beef with the older sister? She moved out before you can really remember then you've fast forwarded about 40 years, give or take, and how you hate her because she wants the house and is divorced?

OP - she’s a complete narcissist and sucks the life out of everyone around her. I helped her out a couple of years ago and then she complained that I could have done more for her. She never had kids and when my sister and I had our kids our older sister sent an email to tell us that our kids shouldn’t expect any gifts from her since she doesn’t have kids we’d give gifts to!! Not that we care about gifts but it’s just how selfish she is. She’s nuts and I don’t want to get sucked into her drama.

Isn't it more dramatic to make a show out of excluding her for a simple lunch with your dad? Even your younger sister agrees you're being dramatic. You don't need to diagnose everyone as crazy, narcissist, selfish, etc. It's just lunch. Go or don't go. Your kids won't get any quality time over a brief lunch with an elderly grandparent they've never met anyway. It's a big to do about nothing.

[Anonymous]

So you are going to visit your younger sister who lives close to her father and she insists you see him a lot when you visit?
If yes, let her take care of all the arrangements and just play it by ear once you arrive. Can she compromise and not involve the oldest sister?
Also, I would focus on trying to get my share of dad’s estate and that would be it. Maybe you actually need to have a bit of a relationship with him to extract your sister from there and to make sure your dad isn’t abused by her. If she is abusing him try to kick her out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your beef with the older sister? She moved out before you can really remember then you've fast forwarded about 40 years, give or take, and how you hate her because she wants the house and is divorced?

OP - she’s a complete narcissist and sucks the life out of everyone around her. I helped her out a couple of years ago and then she complained that I could have done more for her. She never had kids and when my sister and I had our kids our older sister sent an email to tell us that our kids shouldn’t expect any gifts from her since she doesn’t have kids we’d give gifts to!! Not that we care about gifts but it’s just how selfish she is. She’s nuts and I don’t want to get sucked into her drama.

Isn't it more dramatic to make a show out of excluding her for a simple lunch with your dad? Even your younger sister agrees you're being dramatic. You don't need to diagnose everyone as crazy, narcissist, selfish, etc. It's just lunch. Go or don't go. Your kids won't get any quality time over a brief lunch with an elderly grandparent they've never met anyway. It's a big to do about nothing.

OP - I see what you’re saying but it won’t end up like this. When my mother was dying I went to see her. It was a sad and emotional time given the family dynamics. I was sitting with my mother when my older sister stormed into the room and asked why I hadn’t reached out to support her as her husband had just left her. I told her I wasn’t aware and she burst into tears and went on and on about herself. I didn’t get to spend any quiet time with my mother which was the only reason I was there. I’m also sick of my older sister inserting herself into my father’s life to work her own agenda. She comes to DC all the time and I never hear from her. My husband hasn’t even met her once. But if we go there and want my kids to meet their grandfather she will create a problem for the whole group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are creating drama. It's not realistic to expect your dad to visit cross country at 80 if he's not doing well. Why haven't you visited sooner? You need to give them notice.

He hasn’t come to see me in over 20 years! He’s a very selfish person which I accept. I don’t have any relationship with him and I don’t think of him as a parent because he chose not to be one. But we haven’t traveled with our kids for years due to work, their ages, pandemic etc

You moved away and never returned. You should travel to see him. You have all kinds of excuses and want to blame him and your sister. No reason you couldn't have gone. If you are working in person, kids are back to school in person, you get on a plane or drive out there. If he's having health issues, how do you expect him to travel?