Different expectations vs sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your beef with the older sister? She moved out before you can really remember then you've fast forwarded about 40 years, give or take, and how you hate her because she wants the house and is divorced?

OP - she’s a complete narcissist and sucks the life out of everyone around her. I helped her out a couple of years ago and then she complained that I could have done more for her. She never had kids and when my sister and I had our kids our older sister sent an email to tell us that our kids shouldn’t expect any gifts from her since she doesn’t have kids we’d give gifts to!! Not that we care about gifts but it’s just how selfish she is. She’s nuts and I don’t want to get sucked into her drama.

Isn't it more dramatic to make a show out of excluding her for a simple lunch with your dad? Even your younger sister agrees you're being dramatic. You don't need to diagnose everyone as crazy, narcissist, selfish, etc. It's just lunch. Go or don't go. Your kids won't get any quality time over a brief lunch with an elderly grandparent they've never met anyway. It's a big to do about nothing.

OP - I see what you’re saying but it won’t end up like this. When my mother was dying I went to see her. It was a sad and emotional time given the family dynamics. I was sitting with my mother when my older sister stormed into the room and asked why I hadn’t reached out to support her as her husband had just left her. I told her I wasn’t aware and she burst into tears and went on and on about herself. I didn’t get to spend any quiet time with my mother which was the only reason I was there. I’m also sick of my older sister inserting herself into my father’s life to work her own agenda. She comes to DC all the time and I never hear from her. My husband hasn’t even met her once. But if we go there and want my kids to meet their grandfather she will create a problem for the whole group.

It’s not your fault these other family members are the way they are. It sounds like you have done work to heal from things but if you have any interest, maybe talking to someone could help you clarify what you really want for you and not for everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father is 80. You haven’t seen him for a long time, but your sisters have. So you’re thinking of him how he was the last time you saw him, but he’s gotten older. They’ve seen him recently. There may be practical reasons that you should make plans with your father ahead of time. Older people may need more time just to get ready, may have a regular schedule of doctors’ appointments and like to keep their routine. You shouldn’t expect to call him out of the blue in the morning and expect him to drop everything to see you for lunch the same day. It would be more considerate to call him at least the day before to invite him out, but issuing your invitation much earlier would be even better.

If your father flew into town here and called you in the morning to see you for lunch that same day, you’d probably be upset with him for giving you such short notice, too.

Unless you know that your father has put it in his will, don’t assume that your older sister getting the house is a done deal. She doesn’t get it all just because she’s living in the house with her father.

OP - thank you, this is good perspective I hadn’t considered. He still drives and travels so he’s not infirmed. But I called and spoke to him today. He said he’ll meet with my family and not include my older sister so hopefully he keeps his word on that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your beef with the older sister? She moved out before you can really remember then you've fast forwarded about 40 years, give or take, and how you hate her because she wants the house and is divorced?

OP - she’s a complete narcissist and sucks the life out of everyone around her. I helped her out a couple of years ago and then she complained that I could have done more for her. She never had kids and when my sister and I had our kids our older sister sent an email to tell us that our kids shouldn’t expect any gifts from her since she doesn’t have kids we’d give gifts to!! Not that we care about gifts but it’s just how selfish she is. She’s nuts and I don’t want to get sucked into her drama.

Isn't it more dramatic to make a show out of excluding her for a simple lunch with your dad? Even your younger sister agrees you're being dramatic. You don't need to diagnose everyone as crazy, narcissist, selfish, etc. It's just lunch. Go or don't go. Your kids won't get any quality time over a brief lunch with an elderly grandparent they've never met anyway. It's a big to do about nothing.

OP - I see what you’re saying but it won’t end up like this. When my mother was dying I went to see her. It was a sad and emotional time given the family dynamics. I was sitting with my mother when my older sister stormed into the room and asked why I hadn’t reached out to support her as her husband had just left her. I told her I wasn’t aware and she burst into tears and went on and on about herself. I didn’t get to spend any quiet time with my mother which was the only reason I was there. I’m also sick of my older sister inserting herself into my father’s life to work her own agenda. She comes to DC all the time and I never hear from her. My husband hasn’t even met her once. But if we go there and want my kids to meet their grandfather she will create a problem for the whole group.

It’s not your fault these other family members are the way they are. It sounds like you have done work to heal from things but if you have any interest, maybe talking to someone could help you clarify what you really want for you and not for everyone else.

Thank you. Yes I have extensive and ongoing trauma from childhood neglect due to lack of parenting. It gets retriggered all the time especially when I have to pretend everything is normal

[Anonymous]

You are the most controlling one of all these people OP and that's scary that you don't see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are the most controlling one of all these people OP and that's scary that you don't see it.

Of course I see it. I’m protecting my own boundaries as my family don’t have any.