We think my mom is gaslighting dad

[Anonymous]

My mother has always been unstable from childhood abuse, poverty, and a bad marriage. We grew up solid middle class but she always tried to ruin our relationship with our father by saying horrible things about him. They are now in their early 70s and my mother keeps telling my sister and I my dad had dementia. They visit my sister regularly and he seems fine. I talk to him on the phone and he seems fine. I asked my mother what the doctor said and what medication he is on. They have excellent health care but she hems and haws at that point. Is there anything we can actually do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has always been unstable from childhood abuse, poverty, and a bad marriage. We grew up solid middle class but she always tried to ruin our relationship with our father by saying horrible things about him. They are now in their early 70s and my mother keeps telling my sister and I my dad had dementia. They visit my sister regularly and he seems fine. I talk to him on the phone and he seems fine. I asked my mother what the doctor said and what medication he is on. They have excellent health care but she hems and haws at that point. Is there anything we can actually do?

Like what?

[Anonymous]

I am the daughter who saw dementia in dad long before mom could face reality and siblings-both doctors insisted it wasn't so. I was the crazy one and I'm sure they too had a million reasons I was wrong. It took a very concerning issue 9 months later to force the evaluation. The deterioration was major and clearly something that had been happening over years, though they all claim he is the only person to have such a rapid onset and decline.

Yes, there is something you can do. Encourage an evaluation. Often in the very early stages they pass the evaluation (that's what happened with inlaws), but if he doesn't pass, you will know for sure your mother is correct. Don't assume if he fails there aren't subtle signs. Also, FTD often results in passing the screen, but it shows up on scans (though often it starts earlier).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the daughter who saw dementia in dad long before mom could face reality and siblings-both doctors insisted it wasn't so. I was the crazy one and I'm sure they too had a million reasons I was wrong. It took a very concerning issue 9 months later to force the evaluation. The deterioration was major and clearly something that had been happening over years, though they all claim he is the only person to have such a rapid onset and decline.

Yes, there is something you can do. Encourage an evaluation. Often in the very early stages they pass the evaluation (that's what happened with inlaws), but if he doesn't pass, you will know for sure your mother is correct. Don't assume if he fails there aren't subtle signs. Also, FTD often results in passing the screen, but it shows up on scans (though often it starts earlier).

Op here! Thank you! I realized I left out that when I ask about the doctors assessment my mother won't answer me. My sister is also a nurse who has worked with elderly patients. And I just went through exactly what you are talking about with my father-in-law--my spouse and I figured out pretty quickly my FIL was covering and no one believed us so I have sympathy for what you described!

I think I might ask my father about how is feeling about his health and my mother talking about him having dementia. I don't think he knows she has this narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the daughter who saw dementia in dad long before mom could face reality and siblings-both doctors insisted it wasn't so. I was the crazy one and I'm sure they too had a million reasons I was wrong. It took a very concerning issue 9 months later to force the evaluation. The deterioration was major and clearly something that had been happening over years, though they all claim he is the only person to have such a rapid onset and decline.

Yes, there is something you can do. Encourage an evaluation. Often in the very early stages they pass the evaluation (that's what happened with inlaws), but if he doesn't pass, you will know for sure your mother is correct. Don't assume if he fails there aren't subtle signs. Also, FTD often results in passing the screen, but it shows up on scans (though often it starts earlier).

Op here! Thank you! I realized I left out that when I ask about the doctors assessment my mother won't answer me. My sister is also a nurse who has worked with elderly patients. And I just went through exactly what you are talking about with my father-in-law--my spouse and I figured out pretty quickly my FIL was covering and no one believed us so I have sympathy for what you described!

I think I might ask my father about how is feeling about his health and my mother talking about him having dementia. I don't think he knows she has this narrative.

It's good you have experience with the other side and empathy. I would be careful asking dad how he feels. Few people with dementia know they have it and you could set off a bomb. One of my siblings did that. I then was blocked from knowing any medical info after I endured a tantrum. Even when they are aware there may be an issue they often try to desperately hide it. You don't want to set off a huge fight between him and mom. Even if you think mom is nuts, you are lucky she is there to care for him.

[Anonymous]

the reality is there still isn't really much that can prevent or slow down decline. several of the drugs that claim to provide cognitive benefits have some severe personality side effects.

it was clear both of my parents had pretty severe memory and cognitive issues when my mom arranged for my dad to have an evaluation-- the doctor was willing to enroll dad in his ongoing study, which could have provided some additional monitoring and medicines, but mom then refused to allow dad to join the study, so that was useless.

anyway, that was 6 years ago. Mom hasn't really known who i am for the last 3 years, and has not had much access to language for two years. Dad was moderately functional until about two and a half years ago; anesthesia fro a heart procedure triggered increasing anger and hallucinations and they were both institutionalized together two years ago. Dad died last month, somehow mom is still hanging on. cognitive failure is a long slope. My Dad had had a TBI in 2005, so we knew that there were long-term effects. And I had my suspicions about my mom's functioning for at least the last 8-10 years.


instead of trying to get a formal answer on where, exactly, either parent is cognitively, it is far more important to try to get finances and paperwork in order.

do they have wills, trusts, healthcare advanced directives, and durable powers of attorney set up? do the DPOAs name any alternate DPOA in the event their primary (presumably their spouse) cannot serve? are their pensions/life insurance policies/LTC policies all properly set up with the correct beneficiaries, premiums paid, etc?

are the most critical bills (mortgage, car insurance, life insurance, health insurance) set up to be auto-paid, or are they still writing checks monthly for things? (most checking accounts allow you to set up scheduled payments OUT, if they have concerns about allowing utilities to pull any amount they want from their checking account.)

is there any possibility of either one getting lost? is it possible to set them up with iphones/iwatches/air tags with location sharing turned on? etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the reality is there still isn't really much that can prevent or slow down decline. several of the drugs that claim to provide cognitive benefits have some severe personality side effects.

it was clear both of my parents had pretty severe memory and cognitive issues when my mom arranged for my dad to have an evaluation-- the doctor was willing to enroll dad in his ongoing study, which could have provided some additional monitoring and medicines, but mom then refused to allow dad to join the study, so that was useless.

anyway, that was 6 years ago. Mom hasn't really known who i am for the last 3 years, and has not had much access to language for two years. Dad was moderately functional until about two and a half years ago; anesthesia fro a heart procedure triggered increasing anger and hallucinations and they were both institutionalized together two years ago. Dad died last month, somehow mom is still hanging on. cognitive failure is a long slope. My Dad had had a TBI in 2005, so we knew that there were long-term effects. And I had my suspicions about my mom's functioning for at least the last 8-10 years.


instead of trying to get a formal answer on where, exactly, either parent is cognitively, it is far more important to try to get finances and paperwork in order.

do they have wills, trusts, healthcare advanced directives, and durable powers of attorney set up? do the DPOAs name any alternate DPOA in the event their primary (presumably their spouse) cannot serve? are their pensions/life insurance policies/LTC policies all properly set up with the correct beneficiaries, premiums paid, etc?

are the most critical bills (mortgage, car insurance, life insurance, health insurance) set up to be auto-paid, or are they still writing checks monthly for things? (most checking accounts allow you to set up scheduled payments OUT, if they have concerns about allowing utilities to pull any amount they want from their checking account.)

is there any possibility of either one getting lost? is it possible to set them up with iphones/iwatches/air tags with location sharing turned on? etc.

Op here. I think what people are missing is that my mother is convinced my Dad is declining but we don't see evidence. She has been unstable for my entire life. Like she used to put me in a back brace unstable because she thought I had scoliosis. I don'thave scoliosis. She thought I had hypoglycemia. I don't! She always did this without doctors. She has my father on a strict "eat right for your blood type" diet and screams at him while he drives that he can't take a highway or toll road when he is perfectly fine. She badgers him about everything. If anything he is her caretaker because she doesn't walk well. But she says he is declining. My sister who is a nurse and spends more time with them doesn't see it. I talk to him and he is fine. If anything, it is my Mom who actually slips and calls my Dad by his first name when she talks to me. Has anyone encountered anything like this?

[Anonymous]

Sure, I’ve been doing hospice work for nearly a decade and before that was an advocate and attorney for many years, much of it doing domestic violence advocacy and later prosecution of domestic abuse.

Your mom is an abuser OP. You get that, right? It’s seriously toxic abuse to inflict a faux medical condition on your kid like your mother did to you. And it sounds like she’s made your father’s life a living hell for a whole lot longer than this current stage of cognitive decline - but as she declines she is very likely to get a lot worse, abusers rarely get nicer with age as they become demented.

Please sit down with your dad one on one. It is well past time to talk about the dirty family secret about mom. You should be focused on helping your dad get the outside support he needs to cope with the abuse he’s been living with as he’s forced to be a caregiver for his abuser.

So sorry for you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, I’ve been doing hospice work for nearly a decade and before that was an advocate and attorney for many years, much of it doing domestic violence advocacy and later prosecution of domestic abuse.

Your mom is an abuser OP. You get that, right? It’s seriously toxic abuse to inflict a faux medical condition on your kid like your mother did to you. And it sounds like she’s made your father’s life a living hell for a whole lot longer than this current stage of cognitive decline - but as she declines she is very likely to get a lot worse, abusers rarely get nicer with age as they become demented.

Please sit down with your dad one on one. It is well past time to talk about the dirty family secret about mom. You should be focused on helping your dad get the outside support he needs to cope with the abuse he’s been living with as he’s forced to be a caregiver for his abuser.

So sorry for you both.

Make sure you truly understand what is going on. Spend more time there if you need to and get an assessment by a neurologist, but also by a social worker who visits the home multiple times to assess. Your dad has to want things to be different. Some couples are mired in dysfunction and insanity and when you try to fix things they result is the "fixer" gets dragged into the mud with them and nothing improves. I would get yourself help and approach this carefully.