DH pulling me into the middle and expecting me to implement his ideas

[Anonymous]

My husband found out a family member (Joe) (not super close) has a rare illness. The family member was the one to tell him at a family event. I have a family member (Pete) (not close) that also has a similar illness (may or may not be the same).
DH asked me if Pete would be willing to talk to Joe about what he has been through. My husband told Joe about Pete, but Joe did not ask to connect. I said I'm sure Pete would be willing to talk to him if he has questions.
So now DH wants me to call Pete and ask if he would be ok to talk with Joe. I told him that why ask anyone if Joe isn't uninterested.
My husband being a defensive child got upset that I wasn't jumping on board with trying to connect these 2 strangers.
Yes - my husband can be a jerk and he is always doing odd things like this and pulling me into the middle and wanting me to execute his ideas. We are in therapy...but in the meantime, how can I get him off my back. And the therapst wont diagnose so what do you call someone who acts this way?

[Anonymous]

He's being meddlesome.

I'd just say, I'm sure you mean well, but let Joe decide for himself how he wants to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you need to stop calling your husband names. He's not being a "defensive child" nor is he being a "jerk". Glad you're in therapy - please work on your name-calling.

Your husband has compassion and is trying to help people. Some people are "connectors" and that's what your husband is - he tries to connect people who could benefit from said connection. It's admirable.

[Anonymous]

Then he can connect everyone and leave his wife out of it.

[Anonymous]

It really doesn't sound like big enough of a deal for OP to act like she's being asked to organize a dinner party for 1000 people all by herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really doesn't sound like big enough of a deal for OP to act like she's being asked to organize a dinner party for 1000 people all by herself.

Because it involves another person who may or may not like to be roped into this kind of connection with total strangers.

If I were the OP I'd be very uncomfortable approaching Peter, whom I'm not close to, to ask whether he'd talk to someone who might share his illness, not knowing if he'd even want to discuss it with anyone at all. It's a very intrusive ask.

I had a family member who used to do this to me all the time, and it's tiresome. They could not think it through beyond their own good intentions, other people's comfort, privacy, and boundaries be damned.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he reasonably wants to know if Pete is open to this before making the opportunity known to Joe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you need to stop calling your husband names. He's not being a "defensive child" nor is he being a "jerk". Glad you're in therapy - please work on your name-calling.

Your husband has compassion and is trying to help people. Some people are "connectors" and that's what your husband is - he tries to connect people who could benefit from said connection. It's admirable.

X100

Plus, what do you think the therapist should "diagnose" your DH with, and to what end, OP? Have you opened up the idea of having yourself diagnosed?

[Anonymous]

Ask your husband to text Joe with you on the chain and say “hey Joe, let us know if you want mary to connect you with Pete.” If Joe says yes. Then text Pete “hey are you willing to connect with Joe.” If he says yes, then group text them and say “hey now you have each others info.”

You are way overreacting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really doesn't sound like big enough of a deal for OP to act like she's being asked to organize a dinner party for 1000 people all by herself.

Because it involves another person who may or may not like to be roped into this kind of connection with total strangers.

If I were the OP I'd be very uncomfortable approaching Peter, whom I'm not close to, to ask whether he'd talk to someone who might share his illness, not knowing if he'd even want to discuss it with anyone at all. It's a very intrusive ask.

I had a family member who used to do this to me all the time, and it's tiresome. They could not think it through beyond their own good intentions, other people's comfort, privacy, and boundaries be damned.

In that case, OP should not have responded to her DH and Joe earlier that, quote: "I'm sure Pete would be willing to talk to him if he has questions."

She should have just said "I'm not that close to Pete so I'm not comfortable speaking to him about this."

Instead, she wants to turn it into a much bigger deal about her husband making excessive demands on her time and "expecting [her] to implement his ideas." It's no surprise that she is in therapy or that her therapist won't attach a label to it because it's not unusual for spouses to make such requests of each other.

Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

I have a problem with your casual disparagement of your husband, and the "yes, my husband can be a jerk". NONE of what you write signals that your husband is wrong. He is pushing you to connect two people. You can say "no, do it yourself if you feel that strongly", and give your husband the contact info. Or you can say "yes, I'll do it".

Now could I infer that your husband might be on the spectrum, and that he doesn't always grasp the subtleties of social communication? Maybe. My husband does the things yours does (and more), and he has high-functioning autism. I have to be very clear with him about what I am willing and unwilling to do for him. He gets grumpy sometimes when he can't get me to communicate for him, but he needs the practice.

Therapists never diagnose - they are not trained for it. Psychologists diagnose. Psychiatrists prescribe. Therapy has never worked for us, because none of the ones we saw were willing to put my husband's diagnoses (ADHD and ASD) front and center. I had to read up on the subject and come up with my own ways to communicate with my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really doesn't sound like big enough of a deal for OP to act like she's being asked to organize a dinner party for 1000 people all by herself.

Because it involves another person who may or may not like to be roped into this kind of connection with total strangers.

If I were the OP I'd be very uncomfortable approaching Peter, whom I'm not close to, to ask whether he'd talk to someone who might share his illness, not knowing if he'd even want to discuss it with anyone at all. It's a very intrusive ask.

I had a family member who used to do this to me all the time, and it's tiresome. They could not think it through beyond their own good intentions, other people's comfort, privacy, and boundaries be damned.

In that case, OP should not have responded to her DH and Joe earlier that, quote: "I'm sure Pete would be willing to talk to him if he has questions."

She should have just said "I'm not that close to Pete so I'm not comfortable speaking to him about this."

Instead, she wants to turn it into a much bigger deal about her husband making excessive demands on her time and "expecting [her] to implement his ideas." It's no surprise that she is in therapy or that her therapist won't attach a label to it because it's not unusual for spouses to make such requests of each other.

Sheesh.

Sure, OP's response was not ideal. But I take it as her way of dodging the request instead of saying no directly. Her husband's subsequent reaction was worse though, and I can see that this has been an ongoing issue with them. Maybe they're both poor at communications, maybe there're deeper issues, whatever it is, the H can't seem to take a no for an answer.

[Anonymous]

'Larlo, you told Joe about Pete. Joe has not chosen to pursue communication at this time. That's his choice, and perhaps he will reach out to Pete someday.'

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP and don't think you're off base, but after having a front row seat to someone who had a not so rare illness at a rare age and who subsequently passed away - I am very sensitive to the needs of the ill and offering up one ill person to another with a maybe a similar illness - is not being sensitive to the needs of the individual.

I get being a joiner, some of my favorite people are, but particularly if Joe didn't jump on it, I wouldn't call Pete. I think your husband is being well intentioned, but is thinking like a healthy person and not someone who might have a reduced capacity for interaction.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s kind of weird that your husband is telling everyone about everyone else’s medical conditions.