Parent who never matured but just grew old

[Anonymous]

Not really looking for advice here; mostly trying to process and see if someone else has experienced it.
My mentally ill mother passed away last year. My dad was codependent for about 40 years, and was her caregiver for the past 10 years or so as she lost mobility. She was a very difficult person, tried to keep him away from us (my brother and me), and almost ran him into the ground.
Anyway, for the past year I have been rebuilding my relationship with dad after about 30 years of being kept at arms length and living far away.

What I discovered after the initial happiness of being able to talk to him again was that he basically seemed to have sprung from being a young adult (he was always a bit immature and weak though a good dad) to being an elderly person.
It’s like he was never a mature, strong adult. Honestly it’s like he is Rip Van Winkle and woke up after about 30 years.
He goes from thinking he is 27 to mourning the fact that he isn’t, he doesn’t know much about contemporary cultural events - newer books or movies, that sort of thing. He is also pretty anxious, spends his days puttering around and watching YouTube videos. Honestly my teenage son seems more mature at times. Luckily he is also pretty easy going and funny.

I am just not sure how to process it. It’s like my dad disappeared when he was young and then suddenly re-emerged as an old man needing care and guidance.
I know he’s had a hard life and I need to be compassionate but it’s just so…baffling?

[Anonymous]

I think that the personal growth and introspection trend is a Gen X and younger thing. My parents (late 70s) have seemingly spent no time contemplating their relationships with their kids and each other (other than to be mad and resentful) and have no desire to grow or change anything. I think it's too painful for them to face mistakes they've made and make peace with their own difficult upbringings. As their daughter, it is frustrating on one hand because I am stuck at arms length, but honestly as they are in their twilight of life, maybe it is easier for them to just "putter around" and pass the time.

I don't know if this resonates with you, but I have sympathy for you since your mom blocked a close relationship with your dad, and now with her gone, you still aren't getting the depth and closeness you crave. It's a loss.

[Anonymous]

My mom never progressed past 23 when her parents were killed in a car accident (and she never fully dealt with that which, at almost 82 years old, still causes her to start crying). She went from a young adult to a codependent wife to now a codependent mother who needs care. It’s toxic.

[Anonymous]

A man who spent ten years taking care of a "very difficult" physically disabled wife who "almost ran him into the ground" is NOT "a mature, strong adult"??? YGBFKM. He is very definitely a mature, strong adult.

And why is he not a mature, strong adult? According to you, it's because "he doesn’t know much about contemporary cultural events - newer books or movies."

This is an embarrassingly asinine post and you should ask the moderators to delete it.

What you need to sit down and "process" is your total lack of understanding of what constitutes strength and maturity.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 10:09, although I'm not going to haul you over the coals about it, OP.

You are mistaking your father's external personality with his inner core of responsibility. My father also can come across that way, but I have never mistaken it for lack of maturity.

My father has been taking care of my mother, who has a chronic neurodegenerative disease and control-freak anxious tendencies, for most of his adult life. They met in their early 20s and she had her first hospitalization at 26.

The life of of a caregiver is truly hard! He also worked full time, cleaned the house, made meals and lunchboxes, drove me to school, sewed my theater costumes, etc.

And now he is in decline in his early 70s, after a lifetime of service to others... and all my mother can do is complain about him! Of course she's worried about herself, since she's not independent. But it doesn't come across well, you know?

Please do what you can to make your father's life happy. He's not looking after anyone else but himself now. He may be casting about for an occupation. Help him find something, and if he doesn't want anything but Youtube and puttering around, well that's OK too.

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their 70s and have been together since they were 14 and 17yrs old - married since my mom was barely 19. To make it worse, my mom taught junior high for 30 years and I think the immaturity wore off in her. I don’t think all teachers are like this, but the school my mom was at was full of petty women who acted not much different from junior high cliques.

My parents fight and snip at each other like teenagers. They have zero conflict resolution skills. They constantly blame their problems on other people and outside forces beyond their control and pout if you dare suggest they are accountable for anything. It wasn’t until well into adulthood that I realized that they are basically teens frozen in time emotionally and mentally.

I had a therapist once that pointed out that I spend a lot of time parenting my parents. I had not realized that. I’m an only child and I thought it was healthy that they treat me like a capable adult - except that often I end up feeling like the only adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man who spent ten years taking care of a "very difficult" physically disabled wife who "almost ran him into the ground" is NOT "a mature, strong adult"??? YGBFKM. He is very definitely a mature, strong adult.

And why is he not a mature, strong adult? According to you, it's because "he doesn’t know much about contemporary cultural events - newer books or movies."

This is an embarrassingly asinine post and you should ask the moderators to delete it.

What you need to sit down and "process" is your total lack of understanding of what constitutes strength and maturity.

I know exactly what OP is getting at. My mom is difficult and verbally abusive to my dad. He dotes on her and her many real and imaginary health issues with exceptional patience. However he is so beaten down from her constant criticism of everything he does or says that he has few desires or opinions. I agree it takes strength and maturity to be the caretaker, but outside of that role, he lacks the ability to do things like speak up when a restaurant bill is incorrect or plan ahead and go to pickle ball, which he enjoys but he putters around, loses track of time, and then says “maybe tomorrow”.

[Anonymous]

Adult immaturity is an epidemic, OP. So many adults walking around with the mindset of a teenager. You can't fix it, you can only decide your own exposure to it. They never quite grew up, and never will. You have to accept it in friends and family members. And be thankful every day that you did grow up all the way, because you wouldn't want their life.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the replies even the ones difficult for me to read.
His caretaking wasn’t a sign of strength of character or maturity. He was like a bad paid caretaker - did what he was told to do and hated it. There was no love or responsibility on his actions, he was just an automaton basically. I am not the one to judge, I know, but just describing what I saw.
Mother was mentally ill and part of it was refusal to see doctors, she inflicted her own misery on herself.
Paradoxically he would have been more of an adult if he actually left her and maybe we would have at least 50% of the time spent in a normal home. But no, he would never dare.
I try not to judge, I do.
I am trying to take care of him as much as I can, including moving him closer to me, that’s not a problem. The problem is I thought he was a capable adult and turns out he either isn’t anymore or never was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies even the ones difficult for me to read.
His caretaking wasn’t a sign of strength of character or maturity. He was like a bad paid caretaker - did what he was told to do and hated it. There was no love or responsibility on his actions, he was just an automaton basically. I am not the one to judge, I know, but just describing what I saw.
Mother was mentally ill and part of it was refusal to see doctors, she inflicted her own misery on herself.
Paradoxically he would have been more of an adult if he actually left her and maybe we would have at least 50% of the time spent in a normal home. But no, he would never dare.
I try not to judge, I do.
I am trying to take care of him as much as I can, including moving him closer to me, that’s not a problem. The problem is I thought he was a capable adult and turns out he either isn’t anymore or never was.

You dad has chronic burnout from taking care of a mentally ill person . He felt morally obliged because he is the husband--that was his decision to make not yours.
Are parents of mentally ill children under the age 18 morally responsible to take care of them? Go to the special needs forum and see what their burnout is. Yes--they can try to have the kids become warden of the state but few want to go that route.
some may say the morally and ethically right thing is to stay with sick spouse--even if you are an atheist and don't believe in "in sickness and in health".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies even the ones difficult for me to read.
His caretaking wasn’t a sign of strength of character or maturity. He was like a bad paid caretaker - did what he was told to do and hated it. There was no love or responsibility on his actions, he was just an automaton basically. I am not the one to judge, I know, but just describing what I saw.
Mother was mentally ill and part of it was refusal to see doctors, she inflicted her own misery on herself.
Paradoxically he would have been more of an adult if he actually left her and maybe we would have at least 50% of the time spent in a normal home. But no, he would never dare.
I try not to judge, I do.
I am trying to take care of him as much as I can, including moving him closer to me, that’s not a problem. The problem is I thought he was a capable adult and turns out he either isn’t anymore or never was.

Are you giving him any credit for sticking it out, for loyalty, for drudgery? Do you think ANY caregivers like some parts of their job? No, they don't. They are actuated by a sense of duty to the person they married. Sure, there may also be a fear of the unknown, not wanting to jump into something new, but when people do that, everyone judges them for abandoning their spouse in need. You, as the child in question, might very well have concluded this too, had your father done this, and you'd be on here saying: "It was probably the best thing for him, but he really abandoned us and I have huge resentment for that".

When I read your posts, OP, your self-absorption jumps out at me. You have nothing good to say about this man who cared for your mother all these years. You didn't choose your father - your personalities may not match. But have some respect for the choices he made in life, and the work he did.

Your children may judge you harshly some day, and entirely forget all the work you did on their behalf, or your spouse's behalf. Don't model that for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies even the ones difficult for me to read.
His caretaking wasn’t a sign of strength of character or maturity. He was like a bad paid caretaker - did what he was told to do and hated it. There was no love or responsibility on his actions, he was just an automaton basically. I am not the one to judge, I know, but just describing what I saw.
Mother was mentally ill and part of it was refusal to see doctors, she inflicted her own misery on herself.
Paradoxically he would have been more of an adult if he actually left her and maybe we would have at least 50% of the time spent in a normal home. But no, he would never dare.
I try not to judge, I do.
I am trying to take care of him as much as I can, including moving him closer to me, that’s not a problem. The problem is I thought he was a capable adult and turns out he either isn’t anymore or never was.

Nonsense. Nobody takes care of an extremely difficult disabled person for ten years because they were "told what to do" and were just a robot. He had the strength and maturity to keep doing a hard job, day in and day out, for ten years. That is the sign of a strong, mature person - and a loving, devoted husband. A weak, immature husband would have abandoned his wife or put her in a facility. And yet you say abandoning her like that is what an "adult" would have done? NO, NO, NO.

"The problem is I thought he was a capable adult and turns out he either isn’t anymore or never was."

No, the problem is that you very clearly do not know what a mature, capable adult is. (That's a sign that you are not one.)

And the other problem is that you are, for some unknown reason, incapable of giving your father credit for what he did. In fact you are blaming him for being a good man. You need to sit down and think about that.

What I'm also seeing here is that you are inventing rationalizations for not taking care of him. You want to park him in a facility at some point because you are unwilling to do the difficult things he did. When you do that, don't pretend that's the mature, adult thing to do. That's just you making bs excuses for your own weakness.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I am actually happy to hear that he may have done the right thing. It would have been much worse of course if he just left all three of us. I had this fantasy of him taking us kids away from the other parent who made our life very hard but it’s just a fantasy, I understand.
No I am not looking for excuses not to care for him - that I can tell you 100%.
I do have difficulty processing some feelings for him which is why I am here. It’s easier for me to see him as a good man, so this thread helps with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am actually happy to hear that he may have done the right thing. It would have been much worse of course if he just left all three of us. I had this fantasy of him taking us kids away from the other parent who made our life very hard but it’s just a fantasy, I understand.
No I am not looking for excuses not to care for him - that I can tell you 100%.
I do have difficulty processing some feelings for him which is why I am here. It’s easier for me to see him as a good man, so this thread helps with that.

It sounds like you are really avoiding grieving the mom you never had but wanted, You are projecting your anger toward your mom for not being the mom you needed onto him.
Loose the anger and start grieving..it sucks not having the right mom....but own it, feel it and grow from that.

[Anonymous]

Your mother chose him because he did as he was told. A stronger man would have left her and she would have likely turned her kids against their father. Over the decades she broke him down more.
What was your father's childhood like? I'm going to guess it was a difficult one with a very stern father and lots of siblings.