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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for all the replies even the ones difficult for me to read.
His caretaking wasn’t a sign of strength of character or maturity. He was like a bad paid caretaker - did what he was told to do and hated it. There was no love or responsibility on his actions, he was just an automaton basically. I am not the one to judge, I know, but just describing what I saw.
Mother was mentally ill and part of it was refusal to see doctors, she inflicted her own misery on herself.
Paradoxically he would have been more of an adult if he actually left her and maybe we would have at least 50% of the time spent in a normal home. But no, he would never dare. 
I try not to judge, I do.
I am trying to take care of him as much as I can, including moving him closer to me, that’s not a problem. The problem is I thought he was a capable adult and turns out he either isn’t anymore or never was. [/quote]

Are you giving him any credit for sticking it out, for loyalty, for drudgery? Do you think ANY caregivers like some parts of their job? No, they don't. They are actuated by a sense of duty to the person they married. Sure, there may also be a fear of the unknown, not wanting to jump into something new, but when people do that, everyone judges them for abandoning their spouse in need. You, as the child in question, might very well have concluded this too, had your father done this, and you'd be on here saying: "It was probably the best thing for him, but he really abandoned us and I have huge resentment for that".

When I read your posts, OP, your self-absorption jumps out at me. You have nothing good to say about this man who cared for your mother all these years. You didn't choose your father - your personalities may not match. But have some respect for the choices he made in life, and the work he did.

Your children may judge you harshly some day, and entirely forget all the work you did on their behalf, or your spouse's behalf. Don't model that for them.[/quote]

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