Parent who never matured but just grew old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really OP you don't need to process anything here. Just keep moving forward and help him how you can. This is an opportunity to redefine your relationship without the looming shadow of a crazy mother.

My parents had the same set up except my dad died suddenly of a heart attack leaving the crazy mother behind. Much worse scenario.

Thank you so much, PP! How did it turn out after your dad passed?
This has been our potential nightmare scenario for years, we dreaded it so much (my brother and I).

It has become easier for me since I wrote my OP. Dad is becoming more self sufficient it seems, too (I am visiting right now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies even the ones difficult for me to read.
His caretaking wasn’t a sign of strength of character or maturity. He was like a bad paid caretaker - did what he was told to do and hated it. There was no love or responsibility on his actions, he was just an automaton basically. I am not the one to judge, I know, but just describing what I saw.
Mother was mentally ill and part of it was refusal to see doctors, she inflicted her own misery on herself.
Paradoxically he would have been more of an adult if he actually left her and maybe we would have at least 50% of the time spent in a normal home. But no, he would never dare.
I try not to judge, I do.
I am trying to take care of him as much as I can, including moving him closer to me, that’s not a problem. The problem is I thought he was a capable adult and turns out he either isn’t anymore or never was.

Oh man, you sound really awful. So, he was doing crappy job taking care of your mom, what did you do? Other than throwing stones from the sidelines? And here you are judging your father...

The OP hasn’t even given an example. She’s just saying that he’s incapable of taking care of himself. Which seems impossible since he spent 30 years taking care of both himself and a mentally ill spouse, without any input or support from OP.

I did provide input and support. He did most of it yes. Honestly it was a run away or perish together situation for me and my mother. I ran to save myself. No guilt here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am actually happy to hear that he may have done the right thing. It would have been much worse of course if he just left all three of us. I had this fantasy of him taking us kids away from the other parent who made our life very hard but it’s just a fantasy, I understand.
No I am not looking for excuses not to care for him - that I can tell you 100%.
I do have difficulty processing some feelings for him which is why I am here. It’s easier for me to see him as a good man, so this thread helps with that.

Yes, OP, your dad is a good man of character. And he is very much mature. He’s just not the (hero) ty of man you normally read in books. Nonetheless, he’s an honorable man. I’m surprised of your belittling attitude towards him. If I were you parent and aware of those feelings you have, I would stay far away from you. You kids may ends up feeling the same way towards you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies even the ones difficult for me to read.
His caretaking wasn’t a sign of strength of character or maturity. He was like a bad paid caretaker - did what he was told to do and hated it. There was no love or responsibility on his actions, he was just an automaton basically. I am not the one to judge, I know, but just describing what I saw.
Mother was mentally ill and part of it was refusal to see doctors, she inflicted her own misery on herself.
Paradoxically he would have been more of an adult if he actually left her and maybe we would have at least 50% of the time spent in a normal home. But no, he would never dare.
I try not to judge, I do.
I am trying to take care of him as much as I can, including moving him closer to me, that’s not a problem. The problem is I thought he was a capable adult and turns out he either isn’t anymore or never was.

Oh man, you sound really awful. So, he was doing crappy job taking care of your mom, what did you do? Other than throwing stones from the sidelines? And here you are judging your father...

The OP hasn’t even given an example. She’s just saying that he’s incapable of taking care of himself. Which seems impossible since he spent 30 years taking care of both himself and a mentally ill spouse, without any input or support from OP.

I did provide input and support. He did most of it yes. Honestly it was a run away or perish together situation for me and my mother. I ran to save myself. No guilt here.

You don’t have to feel guilt. But stop staying your dad is capable of taking care of himself. He quite obviously is.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind, people tend to reach a certain age and start to become more and more immature. My parents, who were very mature most of their lives, became immature as they aged. My mom (with dementia) became a toddler. My Dad became a teenager. Both exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind, people tend to reach a certain age and start to become more and more immature. My parents, who were very mature most of their lives, became immature as they aged. My mom (with dementia) became a toddler. My Dad became a teenager. Both exhausting.

It's called cognitive decline. It's a normal part of the aging process. People keep tossing around the word maturity or the loss of maturity and acting like their aging parents are doing this just to annoy them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP you don't need to process anything here. Just keep moving forward and help him how you can. This is an opportunity to redefine your relationship without the looming shadow of a crazy mother.

My parents had the same set up except my dad died suddenly of a heart attack leaving the crazy mother behind. Much worse scenario.

Thank you so much, PP! How did it turn out after your dad passed?
This has been our potential nightmare scenario for years, we dreaded it so much (my brother and I).

It has become easier for me since I wrote my OP. Dad is becoming more self sufficient it seems, too (I am visiting right now).

It was difficult. She redirected her demanding expectations onto me. While I live in the US she lives in the UK. She wanted us to move her out and adapt our house to accommodate her, put her on our health insurance etc. At this point she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I'm afraid I said no to all of that and she has since passed.

[Anonymous]

Google adultchildren.org