Would you want to know if your adult daughter was in an affair with a married man?

[Anonymous]

Here’s the scenario: 53yo DH had been sexually involved for 4-5 months with a 29yo AP who still lives with her parents (they are ages 57 - same as me - and 58). DH and AP met at the neighborhood gathering spot where they had been hanging out since the pandemic alleviated a bit; the relationship turned sexual after about 12-18 months. I’m an introvert and go to bed on the early side as I’m the one up early with kids’ morning practices etc; I never had an issue with DH going out after kids were in bed. AP lives at home after failing to cope successfully with emotional issues following college and grad school. They would sneak into her childhood home after hooking up at the bar, or after evenings where they met elsewhere for drinks/dinner. Apart from disgust at the man having sex with my daughter while knowing all her issues, would you want to know about (married) men your own age coming into your house late at night for the purposes of sexual encounters? I wouldn’t actually contact her mother in real life, but I toy with the thought while washing dishes, pulling weeds and considering the altered reality of my world. (I found out about the 29yo AP at the same time I learned there were two others going back 7 years.) I’m not angry at AP or any of the APs. I’m angry at my wayward husband. However, as the parent of at least one teen with emotional challenges who I will worry about all my life, I’d probably want to know what was going on with her, even though it probably fits a pattern and would not surprise me. Would you?

[Anonymous]

Yep, totally.

[Anonymous]

I would be more ashamed to be DH's parents. They raised him with awful integrity.

OP I know you're mad at the 29 year old, but "telling on her" helps no one. DH's transgressions are far, far worse.

[Anonymous]

I think they have the right to know that he was creeping into their home in the night while they slept. FFS what is wrong with him!

[Anonymous]

So I can ground her?

[Anonymous]

I’d focus on divorcing your creep of a husband.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't want to know. I think your issues are with your husband and don't worry about anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still married to that cheater?

[Anonymous]

Are you kidding? You will look like a bunny boiler.

[Anonymous]

I would look at this as a cry for help, from both of them. And she's not just their "adult daughter", she's a vulnerable adult who is making bad choices and bringing creeps into her parents' house. If she were not having emotional problems and it wasn't their home too, I would feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Would you tell them if it was any other man?

[Anonymous]

She’s 29. An adult. You don’t tell her mommy on her. C’mon man be serious.

As for the posters who say they’d “want to know” - what if she were 40? 50? Do you tell her parents then? Of course not. Then you don’t tell them at 29 either.

[Anonymous]

OP, you *are* angry at the 29 yr old. Telling on her (really? And you are how old?) will not get you what you want. Unless you just want revenge. Is that it? Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

No. What would I do, ground her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 29. An adult. You don’t tell her mommy on her. C’mon man be serious.

As for the posters who say they’d “want to know” - what if she were 40? 50? Do you tell her parents then? Of course not. Then you don’t tell them at 29 either.

If any person is sneaking into *my* house while I am sleeping, I want to know. This is the price of living with your parents. If you want to bring someone over, you do it with their awareness.