First Holidays After New Baby

[Anonymous]

Just looking for input. Our second is due in early October, meaning my leave will largely fall over the holidays. (We celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.) In one sense, this is wonderful! In another, it means my leave could be stuffed with family/hosting. Both my DH and I are looking for ways to keep things as stress-free as possible as we get into the swing of things with our new family of four. DH is self-employed so will take a few weeks but then will need to get back to it.

Holidays have always been a little fraught because we live quite close to my parents and my in-laws live across the country. My in-laws typically seem quite content to live their own lives and not be too involved with ours, but have a lot of expectation that holidays—scratch that, Christmas—will be spent together. (I once asked if they’d like us to always set aside Easter, for example, to be with “just” them and my MIL told me that was too inconvenient for them.)

Thanksgiving is a big one for my side of the family. My parents host and it’s a big party with a ton of family and close family friends and, honestly, is much more relaxing without all the emotional pressure and expectation of Christmas. I am also not the primary host, the way I have been for Christmas when my in-laws visit. Christmas this year also may be a bit more emotional than usual, with our eldest adjusting to her new sibling.

As a result, this year we’ve asked my in-laws to come up for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas—it gives us the opportunity to see a bunch of family all together but then enjoy a very quiet Christmas with my parents coming over for dinner as usual. I do understand my in-laws resent that last part, but we will be sure to get downtime with them 1:1 during Thanksgiving. I’ll also admit that my MIL can be difficult for me (as well as DH) to be around and has made judgmental comments about how we raise our children so, especially with the stress of a new baby, I think having some other folks around to entertain her and chat with her will help everyone’s stress levels.

This request is not going over well. My DH and I are on the same page, but he is taking the brunt of his mom’s frustration and I feel for him.

Any words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

I think you would be up for low key hosting by Christmas. No big dinner and ILs do their own laundry, but baby will be sleeping large chunks and you will have feeding down (whatever form that takes).

Would that help?

Otherwise, let MIL have her feelings and just move on. You can reassure her it’s just this year and not a new tradition.

[Anonymous]

Hotels and they can join you for meals.

[Anonymous]

You are the parents now. What holiday do you envision for your family (yes, you DH, older DC, and baby are a complete family in
entirety.) Sometimes, people who are done with their child-rearing duties forget what that time is like. Being an adult also means taking the heat from others, knowing you are doing what is right for your family.
Stand firm together for what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you would be up for low key hosting by Christmas. No big dinner and ILs do their own laundry, but baby will be sleeping large chunks and you will have feeding down (whatever form that takes).

Would that help?

Otherwise, let MIL have her feelings and just move on. You can reassure her it’s just this year and not a new tradition.

Or maybe it is? Young families can make new traditions.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have done everything "right" thus far (offered up a different holiday; given enough time in advance) and you are 100% justified in not wanting to travel this year (and any subsequent year, too!)

Are your ILs the type to not want to share holidays?

When did your DH tell his mother about the arrangement? I'd give her a few days to make snarky comments, but if she continues on, I think it's fair to circle back to the conversation and nip it in the bud.

Your family unit is your/your husband's immediately family now, and you two get to decide what works for you, even if MIL is grouchy about it.

[Anonymous]

The thing about setting a boundary is that you have to be ok with the fact that some people will resent it or be upset, no matter how reasonable the boundary. We have to do this with my in-laws from time to time and it’s never pleasant when they are upset, but if we didn’t sometimes articulate our preferences, they would walk all over us.

[Anonymous]

Can you do your “Christmas” dinner with your parents Christmas Eve or New Year’s or something? Since Thanksgiving will necessarily be primarily with your parents (since they’re hosting) I think your MIL might be jealous your parents are getting two holidays and she’s getting none. But if you are clear that Christmas Day is entirely sans grandparents maybe that will help? But tbf it might not make a difference and I definitely think you’re right to not plan to host stressful holidays this year with a new baby. If your in-laws were the sort to be helpful (babysitting older kid, doing laundry/dishes) I think it would be nice to include them in a low key Christmas but it sounds from your post like they won’t help and will expect to be hosted so definitely hold firm!

[Anonymous]

Please clarify. Your in laws are upset that you will see your parents at Christmas? My first question is why did you give out this information in May? In any case, explain to the in laws that you are NOT traveling with a newborn this year. They are more that welcome to come at Thanksgiving. And if they can’t visit then, you understand and will look at the 2024 calendar later this year.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everybody, I appreciate it! I definitely feel this is the right call for us this year but am also a people pleaser so feel guilty.

Hopefully one of the PP is right and she just needs to blow off some steam. My DH told his parents a few days ago, conversation didn’t go well, and my MIL sent a follow up email to him explaining what her preferences were (Christmas) in a pretty rough way.

Last time we tried—somewhat successfully—to set a boundary things ended up spiraling out of control, so I also think we’re also just bracing for impact in case this gets worse.

I know I’m not a saint, and guess I give her more accommodations than I normally because I do understand she is jealous of our relationship with my parents and that can be hard, but typing this all out just now makes me feel more sure of that we’re doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, everybody, I appreciate it! I definitely feel this is the right call for us this year but am also a people pleaser so feel guilty.

Hopefully one of the PP is right and she just needs to blow off some steam. My DH told his parents a few days ago, conversation didn’t go well, and my MIL sent a follow up email to him explaining what her preferences were (Christmas) in a pretty rough way.

Last time we tried—somewhat successfully—to set a boundary things ended up spiraling out of control, so I also think we’re also just bracing for impact in case this gets worse.

I know I’m not a saint, and guess I give her more accommodations than I normally because I do understand she is jealous of our relationship with my parents and that can be hard, but typing this all out just now makes me feel more sure of that we’re doing.

I could have written this. I have a very similar dynamic with my in-laws, down to my MIL sending mean emails when she feels offended, my parents being nearby and much more helpful, etc.

You can’t control how they react. All you can do is try to be as kind and considerate of their feelings as possible while also making choices that work for your immediate family. It sounds like you did your best, made a reasonable suggestion, and they still got angry. That’s out of your hands.

[Anonymous]

So to clarify, your MIL doesn’t host typically Christmas - you do.She wants to come visit, and you are asking her not to this year? I can see that she would be upset if you are asking her not to visit and see a new granbaby, but still having your parents over. Just tell her it is difficult with the new baby, and make it a very short visit. If you want your kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, this doesn’t seem like a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So to clarify, your MIL doesn’t host typically Christmas - you do.She wants to come visit, and you are asking her not to this year? I can see that she would be upset if you are asking her not to visit and see a new granbaby, but still having your parents over. Just tell her it is difficult with the new baby, and make it a very short visit. If you want your kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, this doesn’t seem like a good start.

Your thinly veiled threat (last sentence) isn’t necessary. Heaven forbid OP doesn’t want to host house guests for one holiday which neither of her kids will remember. The only person who would let it ruin the relationship is the IL’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So to clarify, your MIL doesn’t host typically Christmas - you do.She wants to come visit, and you are asking her not to this year? I can see that she would be upset if you are asking her not to visit and see a new granbaby, but still having your parents over. Just tell her it is difficult with the new baby, and make it a very short visit. If you want your kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, this doesn’t seem like a good start.

OP is not saying that MIL can’t visit at all, she’s asking her to visit a month earlier, at Thanksgiving, so that they can still share a holiday but OP doesn’t have to host.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do decide (and it sounds like your plan is a good one), put yourself in a mental place where if things aren’t going well, you will cancel.

I had PPD with my second (not with my first!) and I felt so locked in with my (low key, reasonable) holiday plans because I had promised everyone and they were already a compromise, that I didn’t even consider canceling and it was a huge mistake that set my healing back probably months. Terrible. Yes, you’ve parented before but things can be different and you don’t know what you don’t know. Keep an open mind.